Continuing… (It's Part 6 in the saga, I fucked up. Sorry.)
So, after a few re-fueling and impromptu cigar-purchasing stops in South and Central America, we wheel up to the deserted jetway at LAX.
“Thought we were going to Elmendorf?” I asked.
“This isn’t it?” the pilot replied, feigning worry.
“No.”, I replied, “Looks like California. Fruits and nuts. All around. What’s going on? One minute we’re off to Texas, then Cali, then Texas again, now we end up here at the California airport of the iconic tower.”
“Yeah, it’s confusing enough haulin’ civilians around. But when we get a call from Virginia, we tend to comply without any questions,” the pilot explains.
“Aw, shit!”, I sort of exclaim, “Rack and Ruin called?”
“Yeah”, the pilot replies, “Figures you’d know these guys. They said they were closer to LAX rather than Texas and had us divert here. In fact, you look over there, see that dark blue Chevy? That’s them; and evidently, your ride.”
I tipped the airman from earlier a couple of cigars as he helped me with my gear off the plane and into the trunk of Rack and Ruin’s plain-Jane blue late modeled Chevy. Had to move the Sidewinder Missiles off to one side, though.
“Most honorable Agents Lack and Luin!” I quipped in my faux-racist greeting. “What the hell, guys? I’ve got to get to Japan and get some newly rigidified digits.”
“Let’s see your hand”, Agent Rack asks. “Nasty.”
“Yeah”, I sigh “And with the medicos in South America and their penchant for plaster, I don’t so much have a left hand as more of an ankylosaur tail.”
“Or Thagomizer”, Agent Ruin tittered. “Anyone gives you grief, and one upside the head should set them right. Or dead.”
“You’re a riot, Ruin.” I replied, “But not entirely incorrect.”
We all agreed that I really didn’t need any extra accouterments to make myself look more dangerous. I mean with my severe haircut, stern beard clip, and perpetual ‘Go fuck yourself’ scowl.
“Yeah”, I replied, stroking the aforementioned beard, “I just can’t get that. I’m such a people person.”
After Agents Rack and Ruin finished drying their eyes from laughing what I thought was en extremis, we finally got down to business.
“So, what’s the skinny, guys”, I asked. “New marching orders?”
“No. Not as such”, Agent Ruin said, still sniggering over my ‘people person’ comment.
I see we’re moving. Agent Rack is just driving casually, like Chewbacca when they were waiting to see if the Empire went for that expensive Bothan code.
“Then, what?” I asked, getting a slight bit piqued.
“Well”, Agent Ruin noted, “When you went to South America, you took some of your artillery collection with, correct?”
“You know I did. You even made some snide comments about my personal choice of sidearms and their ‘excessive’ calibers, if memory serves”, I reiterated.
“And if you are proceeding normally, as you always do, they’re all nestled in the trunk of this very car. All cleaned, quiet, unloaded, and smelling sweetly of Hoppe’s Number 9 and WD 40, correct?” Rack inquired.
“Yes?” I cautiously venture.
“Well, ya’ big dummy, do you think they’re going to let you saunter into Tokyo armed like the Third Fleet?” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Um…well…I do have a Diplomatic Passport.” I ventured.
“That’s not going to work this time.”, Agent Ruin said, shaking his head. “They’re tighter than Dick’s Hatband about sidearms. Want to bring in your Rigby SXS .500 Nitro Express double rifle? Not a problem. Sidearms, especially in your alien hunting calibers, nope.”
Well, that’s just….*dandy!”, I reply, semi-put out. “Now what the hell am I going to do?”
“Ever think that’s why Ruin and I are here, now?”, Rack asks.
“And here I thought it was just so you could bask in the warm glow of my fucking wonderful personality. Or that you actually cared about me as a real goddamn human”, I joshed.
“Ummm…yeah”, Rack replies, “There’s no way we can answer that without going on some Deadpool list. “
I agreed.
“OK, here’s the deal: you get your sidearms, ammunition, speed loaders, brass knuckles, Asp, laser range finders, Sap, Zeiss scopes, Kukri, Wisconsin Cheese Whittler, Buck folding skinner, Marine K-Bar, those two ultra-illegal Cheburkov Cobra titanium switchblades...”
“Three. Olga the KGB lady sent me one for Geologist’s Day.”
“Ahem. Those three ultra-illegal Cheburkov switchblades, that Wyoming Speedholer, your MASER Time-Distance Computer, garrote, pocket rail gun and whatever else lethal you carry and deposit it in the iron box in the trunk. We’ll ensure that it’s delivered to Esme post-haste. And by post-haste I mean one of our guys will deliver it personally.”
“Well…I suppose”, I conceded, “But best send someone who’s been to the house recently. I don’t know how much bigger Khan has grown since I left on this little fantasy trip. Wouldn’t want a star on the wall in Langley for someone eaten by a mastiff. Want to see a picture….Oh, bother. That’s right. My phone’s at the bottom of fucking Lake Maracaibo.”
“Good point”, Ruin interjects, “Guess we’ll do a little road trip and deliver it ourselves. Best call Esme and let her know what’s going on.”
“I have no objections to your proposals. Please give Esme this when you see her. I had some luck in the Calaveras Casino and if I don’t send her some mad money. Ouch. She’ll never forgive me for not taking her along to Japan.” I asked.
“But I thought Esme hated Japan? Too crowded and too ‘fussy’, I believe was her estimation.” Ruin asked.
“Yes, but once she saw the Ginza, all bets were off. Shopping the likes of which even Allah himself hasn’t seen.” I replied, slowly shaking my head.
“I see”, Ruin said, “Well, since you’re off to Sapporo, perhaps you can do a recon for Esme on the shopping there.”
“Not bad. Not bad at all.”, I smiled, “Now I know why I let you guys hang around with me.”
So, as advertised, I am now standing on the tarmac at LAX, basically feeling naked.
“Can’t I keep just one switchblade?” I moaned to Agent Rack.
“Go ahead, if you’re really keen on donating it to Japanese customs”, he replied.
“Fuckbuckets.” I groused.
“There, there now. That’s the usual Dr. Rocknocker of which we’re all so fond.” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Remember, you do have that wallet-sized credit card gizmo from the Company. So you’re not entirely ‘naked’. Think of it as an emergency breechcloth.” He smiled.
“I’d like a larger model if you don’t mind. It’s chilly out here.” I joshed.
After Agents Rack and Ruin stripped me metaphorically naked as they de-weaponized me, they handed me a Business Class ticket to Tokyo, and a pass to the Japan Airlines Hospitality Suite and Lounge.
“So sorry you guys can’t hang around and have a few farewell snorts”, I chided, “But you’ve got a bit of a drive, so best be off before the weather turns to shit.”
“Who says we’re driving?” Agent Rack asked as he hooked a thumb over his shoulder at the ready and waiting C-130 cargo plane currently taxiing slowly in our direction.
“Well, in that case”, I smiled even more broadly, “Let’s invite the flight crew to join us. That’ll make the flight home all that much more interesting.”
After near tear-jerking farewell sentimentalities, i.e., “Piss on you”, “Get stuffed” and “Take a fuckin’ hike”; Agents Rack and Ruin, my weapons and the Agency’s plain-Jane Blue Chevy were all nestled snugger than buggers in ruggers in the belly of the thundering C-130.
Now truly on my own, I trudge the hundred thousand or so centisteps to my departure terminal, make a quick recon that my flight’s still slated to go in a generally westward direction, and hightail it to the nearest courtesy desk to ask for a motorized cart to take me and my remaining luggage to the JAL Hospitality Suite.
Hey. I’m old, infirm, and currently among the walking wounded.
Anyone that disagrees risks an Ankylosaur tail club swat or Thagomizer to the skull.
Finally ensconced in the JAL Hospitality Suite, Polo Lounge of course; I was drinking Tokyo Teas (3 oz. vodka, 2 oz. gin, 2 oz. rum, 1 oz. triple sec, 1 oz. Midori, good splash of lime juice, a slight splash of 7-Up (diet, of course), over ice with a lime wheel) with Pabst Blue Ribbon Extra 1844 chasers and Hangar One’s “Fog Point” vodka on the side, hiding from the brutish realities of this foul year of two thousand and twenty-something, Common Era…
I’ve already called Esme and we’ve had a good, long chat. She still managed to give me her shopping list for whenever I find myself bored on the Ginza.
She’ll be shocked when she learns that I’m not going to be in Tokyo long, but have 1st class tickets on the Bullet Train to Sapporo. Still, I’ll probably find myself in Pole Town or the Stellar Place there, trading piles of US greenbacks for locally produced Japanese curios and clothing.
I can hardly wait.
I order another round of drinks, as the wonderful attendants in the Hospitality Suite were bored out of their skulls because of the COVID-induced drop-in customers flying anywhere that requires a hospitality room stay, and I was virtually the only one around. They tried their level best to outdo each other when it comes to Japanese efficiency and friendliness.
After a couple of hours, they ask if I would like something from the grill, as the day chef had “the COVID” and the night chef just arrived. A quick perusal of the menu and I chose a 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse and another round of drinks.
I usually don’t like to eat too much before I fly, but JAL tells me the flight is going to be virtually empty, something like <121 pax, all told, so restroom availability shouldn’t be too much of a concern.
Plus, who am I to say no to a free, blue 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse?
There was a bit of difficulty conveying to the chef through the intermediaries of the hospitality just how I wanted my steak.
“Blue,” I said.
“Brue?” was the reply.
“Rare. Very, very rare.” I continued.
Look of total bewilderment.
I drag out my Personal Language Pro, speak “Steak, very, very rate” into the infernal gizmo, and hand the contraption to the attendant.
“珍しい、非常に珍しいステーキ?”[ Mezurashī, hijō ni mezurashī sutēki?]
“Raw! Nama!” I say, louder than need be.
They toddle off to find the chef.
“How is it sir, that you would like your steak cooked?” he asks.
“Very rare. Just a minute or two per side. Inside still cold.” I instructed.
All I got for the trouble was a puzzled smile.
“Give me the language gizmo…” I type in a few words…
“お尻を洗い、角をノックオフして、ここから出してください”
[O shiri o arai,-kaku o nokkuofu shite, koko kara dashite kudasai.]
“Wash its ass, knock its horns off, and walk it out here.”
“OH!” as the lightbulb pops. “Rare. Got it! Excellent!” the chef laughs and zips back to the kitchen.
Like I always say, I’m nothing if not the international ambassador of amity and goodwill.
“Crack tubes!”
Dinner was fantastic. I do wish I could have somehow mailed the Porterhouse bone back home for Khan. After that hambone incident, he might even taste it.
Finally on the plane, in an almost empty Business Class, the flight captain informs us that we’re headed to Haneda Airport Tokyo and anyone not headed in that direction better ‘haul ass off’ the flight or forever hold their peace.
Late-night international flights tend to be a bit more wooly than your average Chicago to Omaha gig.
Especially when the flight’s damn near empty and we have the next 12 hours or so to be best friends.
We taxi, turn and head into the wind. I’m doctoring up a couple of dossiers and keeping my personal cabin attendant, Luna since there were two of us in Business and two business flight attendants, busy with her trying to play ‘Stump the Geologist’.
“I’ll bet you never had this before.” She beamed and handed me a tumbler of very dangerous-looking brown liquor.
I cautiously sniff, take a modest gulp, swirl and glug the rest down.
“Ohishi Single Sherry Cask”, I say with a muffled belch. “Light. Fruity. An Englishman’s drink.”
“Oh. You knew. Let me try again.” She smiles beatifically.
“I have no objections to your proposal.” I smile as nicely as this crotchety old Komodo Dragon could.
She returns with another flagon of spirits; it smells of obsidian, leather, and earth.
I just had some of this back in LAX. I take a snort, smile, and shotgun the rest.
“Hibiki Japanese Harmony…lovely stuff.” I smile. “A little light for my jaded palate, but I’d never turn it down if it were free.”
“Oh, you win again. Wait. One more.” She smiles and skitters off to the galley.
She returns with another soupçon of some more dangerous brown liquor.
“Here, try this. It will make you very popular at social gatherings”. She smiles.
Sniff. “Splendid.” Snort. Swirl. Smile. Shotgun.
“Kanosuke New Born, if I’m not mistaken.” I smile back. “Very nice. I really do like this one.”
“You too good at this. One more!” she stands and stomps off defiantly. She returns in a trice and hands me the glass.
“Hmm…brown. Light notes of earth, leather, dating your daughter, and Kentucky…
“Beam Suntory, right?”
“You know them all!” she says, feigning irritation.
“And I thank you. Those were all excellent. Now, anything in the dangerous clear liquor category? I asked.
Luna smiled as I palmed off a 20k yen tip.
“Oh, no sir. Wait until we land.” She demurred, referring to the gratuity; which is know is not de rigueur in the Orient, but she didn’t seem to mind.
“Just in case we never make it to Tokyo”, I laughed, unknowingly presciently.
We both chuckled about that last line as she tried out various sakes and shōchūs and an actual Japanese ‘White Liquor’ (ホワイトリカー), which were all excellent as was the company.
I tell her that I need to get some work done and could she bring me a tall Rocknocker. After explain the origins and construction of the eponymous drink, she brings me one that must tip the scales at 1 or so liters.
She settles down to an empty seat and I get after the work that I need to finish before we land. I’m about ½ way through my drink when it felt as if the plane hit a brick wall. She quivered and quaked and clutched at herself while I made some comments about the pilot’s mental health.
We dropped like a paralyzed falcon, then just as suddenly, felt like it was an express elevator to Angel’s 11. The plane bucked and shimmied, wickedly. Then we slam-danced right and fell a few more stories. It was like we were in a Mixmaster and the owner was trying out every speed.
The emergency lights in the 777-300ER popped on, and the fasten seat belt sign barked loudly so even sleeping travelers could enjoy the show.
Rinse. Spin. Shudder. Repeat.
Finally, the ride smooths out and we hear the captain on the blower.
“This is your captain speaking…ah, we seem to have hit some uncharted turbulence back there.”
“Thanks, Captain Obvious”, I muttered.
“Everything’s A-OK. “ he reports.
“That’s good”, I note.
“But…”
“There’s always the but…” I groan.
“…we have a couple of warning lights for which we can’t quite account. So to just be safe and certain, we’re going to divert to Hawaii, get a clean bill of health and resume this flight once we make sure everything here is hunky-dory.”
There were scattered groans and applause. Add them together and divide by two and the average response on the flight was “Meh. Whatever.”
Except for the other guy in Business, with whom I hadn’t shared two words. He began to absolutely lose his shit.
“Oh, man! We’re so screwed! Mechanical malfunction? What does that mean?” he positively fizzed with fear.
The flight attendants tried to calm him down, to no avail. They basically gave up and said they’d report his misgivings to the Captain.
I motioned over to my personal flight attendant, Luna, and asked if I could be of service.
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled at me, “If you could speak with him. You are so calm, and he is…”
“Losing his bloody mind”, I chuckled as I finished her sentence for her. “Of course, I’ll take a stab at it.”
So, I grab my drink and ease over to my Business Class partner and introduce myself.
“Hey, pal. How’s it going? I’m Dr. Rock, gentleman, scholar, and connoisseur of cigars and things alcoholic. You doing OK?”
He looks at me with an ashen face and his eyes the size of bloodshot dinner plates.
“Yeah. I’m Todd Schotts. I’m flying to Japan for business.” He mumbles
“No surprise there,” I reply calmly and take a slug of my drink.
“But now we’re all going to die. The plane is busted and we’ll crash…” he started off again.
“So, Todd is it? Good. You drink?” I asked.
“Yeah?”, he stammered back.
I asked Luna to make us a fresh batch of my eponymous cocktails.
“OK, Todd, listen up”, I began after the drinks were served, “I have flown literally millions of miles over the last 4 decades. On Aeroflot when it was still the USSR. On TACA (Take A Chance Airways), on Chalk’s in the Caribbean, on Bob’s Verrifast Plane Company in Rhodesia, on regional carriers that don’t even exist anymore. All over the world. Had some bad experiences flying, and me ol’ mugger, this ain’t one of them. This is nothing more than the glitch for this mission.”
I chuckled lightly and complimented Luna on a fantastic drink.
“Yeah…yeah…yeah…but we have to land and check out some lights…” Todd squealed.
“Well now, Todd. It would be rather difficult to do any external assessment while in flight, don’t you agree?” I asked.
“But we’re diverting. We have to land and that adds more risk. We’re going to crash and die!” he was coming more and more unglued.
“I will bet you every cent you have on your person and home bank accounts that that will not happen”, I chuckled.
That took him by surprise. At least it shut him up for a while.
“Look, Todd. This is Boeing’s latest model. They have the most incredible safety record. And if a little clear air turbulence were to be knocking planes out of the sky, don’t you think we’d hear about it as the press went berserk?” I asked.
“But they don’t know what the lights mean! What if one of the engines’s out? How far can we fly on one engine?” Todd stuttered.
Having my fill of a supposedly grown man with inane childlike fears, I calmly replied,
“All the way to the crash site.”
He went white.
“...hope we hit something hard. I don’t want to limp away from this.”
He went limp.
Then I went to my seat and motioned for Luna to prepare a reload.
Of course, 45 minutes later, we land without incident at Daniel K. Inouye International Airport, Honolulu Hawaii.
We were told to just wait around until they figure out what the problem if any, was.
They had officials waiting at the end of the jetway to check our COVID status and passports before they let us loose in the terminal.
I asked Luna if she knew this airport. She noted that she did.
“Is there a JAL hospitality room here at this airport? I asked.
“Yes, Doctor. It’s the Sakura Lounge. It is located on the third level above The Local, Terminal 2.” She replied.
“Please notify whoever needs to know that that’s where I’ll be for the duration”, I smiled and handed her my business card. “See you soon, I hope.”
“Oh, Dr. Rock”, she replied, “I am sure it is nothing much. We’ll be back in the air within mere hours.”
“Well then”, I smiled, “Guess I’d better get ready to hoof it to the lounge.”
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled, “No rush. I will call for you a courtesy cart. You are injured, you are Business, you are priority.”
“I love that Asian efficiency.” I smiled back and toddled down the jetway.
At the terminus of the jetway, I show my COVID-clear papers, dates and times of my Anti-Virus vaccine administrations, the letter from Virginia clearing me of all detention, and my red Russian diplomatic passport.
While in the cart, whizzing our way to the JAL lounge, the driver said “Man! You must be some kind of VIP. You were through that welcoming committee in less than two minutes!”
“Me? Nah!”, I chuckled, “Just an old phart of a geologist that they didn’t want to mess with. Not on such a bright, sunny day as this.”
“I see you’re not wearing a mask.” The driver quipped.
“Very observant. There are reasons for that.” I replied.
He careens around a corner and if this were a normal pre-Covid day, I’m certain we’d have killed hundreds. However, the airport, as I’ve come to grow accustomed to, was virtually deserted.
“Yeah? Like what?” he asks.
“Well, Scooter, 1. I have an active and hardworking immune system that I let off the chain every once in a while for exercise. Got to let it know what it’s up against, right? 2. I’ve had all my shots and some that were experimental. They seem to have worked. And 3. I find it difficult to drink and smoke cigars while wearing a mask. However, if you’d prefer, I will mask up. No problem, though it still is optional.”
“Nah, man”, he said, “I was just wondering if you were one of those religious idiots or conspiracy nuts.”
Nope”, I smiled back, “Just another geologist out in the world plying his trade for cash. Y’know, whorin’ around for money.”
He laughs aloud as we skid to a stop right in front of Lounge.
I slip the guy a $20 and ask if he’d listen for the JAL flight I was just on. If we’re going on ahead today, I’d need him to scoot by and putt-putt me back to the plane.
He laughs and pockets the $20 as quick as a mink ruts.
“No worries. I’ll just hang around this area. I hear anything about the flight, I’ll come and let you know.” He grins.
“Good man”, I say, as I hand him my card. “I’m Dr. Rocknocker. Call me Rock”.
“And I’m Kapula Mano, call me Kap” he replies.
“Good man”, I say again, “Hope to see you in a while.”
He grins, floors his electric cart, and peels out at speeds approaching 4.5 MPH.
I wander into the lounge, show my credentials, and am escorted to a post up on Mahogany Ridge.
The bar is very quiet. Besides the bartender, I can’t see anyone else in the darkened and Smooth Jazz-infused drinking emporium.
I order a local drink, a Mai Tai, just for the experience and something a bit different.
It’s served in a goldfish bowl on a stem, bedecked with a slice of lime, a sprig of mint, a stick of sugar cane, a polychromatic orchid, and the obligate paper umbrella.
“Ah. Mai Tai. I will enjoy it.” I said to no one in particular.
One was enough, and I decided to go back to the old standard. Once I explained to the bartender what that was, he made them heroic and enthusiastically.
I’m reading up on a random dossier, making notes in a new file, and puffing away on a Fuentes Onyx double Maduro Churchill cigar.
I hear a slight cough coming from my right, and this here lovely lady, she sat to my immediate starboard and looked at me semi-quizzically.
Not in the mood for shenanigans of any stripe, I give her the obligate Baja Canada nod and tilt of the drink. I return to my dossiers and continue to read and take notes.
“Excuse me!” I hear.
Fearing the worst, either the woman is Karen-oid anti-smoking or a religious fruit-and-nutburger, I slowly turn to face her and reply, somewhat glacially, I have to admit.
“What?”
“That cigar…”
“Here we go…” I mutter, eyes rolling northward.
“Smells exquisite. Could you tell me the brand? My husband would enjoy some like that.” She notes.
Instantly my demeanor switches 180^0.
“Yes, ma’am. It’s an Arturo Fuentes Onyx. Churchill size, or 60 ring x 7” length, double Maduro. Here, take one for your husband. I have an ample supply.” I smile.
“Oh, no. I couldn’t. Could I?” she asks.
“Please. I insist.” I smile the best I could given the circumstances.
“Thank you. You’re too kind…umm…Mr….?”
“Doctor. Doctor Rocknocker. World traveler, oilman, and international ambassador of amity, good drinks, and fine cigars. Call me Rock” I said.
“Oh! A Doctor?” she brightens.
“Yes, of Petroleum Geology and Engineering. Not medicine.” I chuckle.
She chuckles back.
“And I am Hella Aaberg”, as she offers her hand for a quick shake.
“Interesting name, Hella. Scandinavian or Old German heritage?” I ask.
“On my father’s side. He’s Finnish.” She replies.
“But I’ll wager your mother is not Scandinavian, correct?” I ask.
“She was from Truk, an island…”
“In the South Pacific, Micronesia. Was she from Weno city?” I asked.
“Why yes. How could you possibly know that?” she asked.
“Oh, I’ve been there. Great diving amongst the WWII wrecks. I think it’s actually called ‘Chuuk Lagoon’ or something like that now.” I said.
“That’s right! Amazing. Where else have you been?” she asked.
“Anywhere there’s oil, strife, booze, cigars, heavy explosives and typically long distances from whatever most normal people call civilization,” I replied with a chuckle.
Suddenly, I hear a voice booming out behind me.
“Why don’t you save that rapier-like wit for those musky-fuckers back home, Rocko?”
My expression changes. My eyes pop fully wide open.
“Hella?” I asked.
“Yes?”
“May I ask you a favor?”
“You can ask…”
“Thank you. Now, looking over my shoulder, is there a hulking goon of a person, thin up top, paunchy halfway down with the most ridiculously tiny sized shoes you’ve ever seen for a so-called grown man?” I ask.
“Yes. Yes, there is.” She replies.
“I thought so. Many thanks.”
I spin and launch off my barstool and grab Toivo by the hand. He hadn’t seen my left-hand Thagomizer yet.
“Toivo! You old sumbitch. What the flying fennec fox fuck are you, of all people, doing in Hawaii?” I laughed.
“Just keeping an eye on you, Rock!” he laughed equally as loud.
“No, fucking-A, seriously. What the actual fuck? What are you doing in this actual nice place?” I asked.
“Just headed to Tokyo to conduct a bit of service company business. I walked into the lounge and smelled a foul cigar. I figured it can’t be the venerable Dr. Rocknocker. He’s back at some school up north terrorizing geology and engineering grads and undergrads.” Toivo laughed.
“But there I was. Surprise!”, I laughed and pumped his hand.
“What the fuck, Rock. Now what did you do?” he asks, referring to my Ankylosaur tail club left hand.
“Ah, fuck. Long story. Oh, pardon me. Toivo, this is Hella. We were just talking about the South Seas Islands.” I said.
“Planning on running off together?” Toivo laughs, to the amusement of neither party.
“Oh, and this idiot is Toivo, a man with a congenital foot-in-mouth disorder. He’s mostly harmless.” I noted to Hella.
Greetings were shared all around. Hella made some small excuses and said she needed to depart. I gave her another cigar for her husband, shook her hand, and wished her well.
“Here’s my business card. If your husband has any questions, have him drop me a line.” I noted.
Hella smiled beautifully. She said she would. Then she thanked me shook our hands, and like that, there she was, gone.
“Well Toivo, you old bastard. Don't just stand there in the doorway like some lonesome goddamn mouse shit sheepherder, get your ass over here and have a drink.” I motioned over to my perch on Mahogany Ridge.
“Don’t mind if I do”, he says as he deftly winds his way to a seat to my left, snagging a cigar out of my pocket on the way over.
“You might want these”, I say in an exasperated tone, and hand him my gold Dunhill Hobnail lighter and V-cutter gizmo.
He cuts and fires up his heater.
“What you drinkin’, Rock”, he asks.
“Anything with alcohol, as usual. You know that Toiv.” I reply.
“No. I mean right now.” He clarifies.
“Well, I had a Mai Tai. Very nice if you like fruity, flowery drinks. It’s the locals’ favorite.” I reply.
“Sounds good. I’ll have several. And you?” Toivo asks.
“My usual. The bartender is already apprised of the situation.” I reply.
Toivo smiles the smile of one knowing his sobriety is going to be taken out for a swim. Hell, taken out and tossed into the deep end.
Toivo and I sit there, swapping lies, smoking cigars and sipping at our toddies.
Hell, Toivo was slurping them like a sump-pump during an extra-wet summer.
We chattered about family, work, whether or not Tokyo was going to host the Olympics or if the COVID-boogie man scared everyone off.
Toivo, always one afflicted with TB (“Tiny Bladder”) got up to go to the loo for the third time that hour. He left his pocket organizer on the bar and I swear on a stack of Origins of Species, I didn’t touch it.
I reached over to his vacated seat to retrieve my cigar lighter when I looked down and saw in his organizer a tab that reads “Rack & Ruin”.
“Oh. No. Fucking. Way.” I recoiled as I’d just reached out and petted a 6-foot hungover scorpion.
“One of my best friends? Secretly allied with the Agency? No. Not possible.” I drained my drink and called for another.
“No. No. No. It can’t be. No. No fucking way…” as doubt began to dissolve when I thought back to all those times I had just ‘run into’ Toivo.
“But he’s oil patch as well. That could be chalked up to coincidence.” I ruminated quizzically in my brain.
I quickly reflected back on J.M. Darhower: “Yes, you see, there’s no such thing as coincidence. There are no accidents in life. Everything that happens is the result of a calculated move that leads us to where we are.”
She may be the author of the execrable New Adult Sempre series, which Esme likes and I loathe, but she might just be right on this occasion.
Toivo return, lighter in the bladder and good sense. He never even noticed he’d left his organizer out in broad bar light for all to see.
“So, Toivo, when’s your flight?” I ask.
“Oh, man. Was I lucky. The JAL flight to Tokyo from Los Angeles had mechanical trouble and had to divert here. I got a ticket on the plane for that flight, when it continues.
“You mean ‘if it continues’,” I replied.
“Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I meant. Hey! Was that your flight?” he asks innocently. He’s really innocent of fieldcraft.
I decide to have some fun at my old friend’s expense.
“Yep. Hit some CAT (Clear Air Turbulence) and the JAL pilots reported some lighting problem. No apparent ruin to any of the systems. They relay racked their brains to figure it out, but they couldn’t that’s why I here.” I said, waiting for the words to swim upstream in Toivo’s coconut and make some sort of connection.
“Yeah. Double lucky. No problem with the plane and I get to go to Japan early.” Toivo crookedly grins.
“So, no trouble with the plane? Then why haven’t I heard that the flight’s going to resume?” I asked as I pushed a fresh, seriously strong drink to Toivo.
“Oh, must have heard it in the john.” Toivo countered and tried to cover his tracks by taking a huge gulp of his drink and damn near dying coughing.
I pound on Toivo’s back.
“Heimlich time?” I ask.
Toivo signals ‘no’.
“Jesus Christ, Rock. What was that?” he asks.
“Just my usual”, I innocently replied.
“Holy fuck. No wonder you have the reputation of…” Toivo realizes too late that he’s said too much.
“Yeah. They can rack you out. Really ruin a person if they’re not careful.” I reply icily.
“Why, Rock. Whatever do you mean?” Toivo slurred as he realized he’s been caught out.
“The jig is up, you turncoat. You know Agents Rack and Ruin from the agency. Right? You keeping tabs on me for them? You Quisling! You Benedict Arnold!” I almost was on the verge of losing my cool.
“It was nothing. They approached me years ago as I kept being mentioned in your reports. They asked me for some information. One thing leads to another…” Toivo was ready for an Ankylosaur tail club swat to the bean.
“Oh, put your fucking hands down, you asshole.” I smiled and chuckled.
“You’re not mad?” Toivo slurred badly. I had the bartender make him another special drink.
“No, Toivo. Not mad. Just disappointed.” I said, smiling like a Komodo Dragon just finishing up a fortnight-old wildebeest.
Toivo sat there and puzzled and puzzled until his puzzler was sore.
“You’re not going to kill me or anything rude like that?” Toivo asked, half-assedly trying to inject humor into the proceedings.
“Nah. The paperwork’s too ridiculous for me to do another liberation. But, Jesus Fucking Christwagons, Toivo; you could have mentioned it to me. Fuck, I thought we were friends to the end?” I said, dejectedly.
I was really getting through to Toivo. I could tell he was loaded; feeling like shit and massively deplorable.
Great fieldcraft, indeed.
I told him things “are what they are” and that I won’t blow his cover nor his honorarium.
He began to feel better. I often wonder if he was serious about the sanctioning thing.
Then I delivered the strategic missile strike.
“Just remember, Toivo. I wrote your dossier for the Company…”
He swivels to look at me.
“And one for the KGB. Olga says ‘howdy’.” I grin evilly.
Toivo short-circuited at that. Russia is his company’s bread and butter. Now he has the KGB as well as his best buddy looking over his shoulder at every move.
I bought him a few more drinks and continued to needle him about his ’leading a double life’. He was well and truly fuckered when the electric tap-tap driver from before came looking for me to whisk me back to the plane.
Seems it was simply some knocked-out wires on the plane, or slammed bulbs that were generating a false positive, indicating something other than the system that alerts one to something haywire went haywire.
Toivo was pretty much down for the count. I got him sober enough to hand them his ticket and ensure that he was really supposed to be on this flight. Thing was; h e was in Economy, and I was, as always, in Business.
I spoke to Luna, and the plane was going to be even less crowded than previously because some folks could or wouldn’t wait, or didn’t want to go on with the rest of the trip on a ‘damaged’ aircraft, or were just stupid and superstitious.
“Luna, could I pay for the difference between Business and Economy for my less than 100% conscious friend here? He’s had a rough day.” I asked.
“Dr. Rock. Just put him into Business. No one will be the wiser. Luna says so.” As she gave us a grand smile.
“Luna, I owe you. Thanks so much.” I said.
“Now get on board. Your friend looks like he needs all the downtime he can get.”
“Yes, ma’am!” I said and saluted here be best I could which dragging a schnozzled Toivo down the jetway.
I dumped Toivo in a window seat well away from my seat. I know Toivo. He snores like a semi-load of live hogs rocketing downhill locking up the brakes at 88 MPH.
Surprise! There was no one else in Business. Luna looked at me, at Toivo, and gave me a thumbs up.
Whatever I can write to further her career at JAL, she’ll have it before I deplane.
We finally get everyone settled, and with Captain Kangaroo at the helm, we bounced gracelessly off the tarmac, into the warm, tropical Hawaiian air, finally headed for the Land of the Rising Sun.
Toivo was snoring like a chainsaw hitting rusty nails as I worked on the various letters, communiques, and dossiers which needed updating before we reached touchdown. I gave Luna a thick letter with instructions not to open it until we were on the ground and Toivo and I were well off and away into the terminal.
We left Hawaii at 1300 hours, so we should arrive at Tokyo Nareda around 4:00 pm, the previous day. I was so bereft of time and time zones, I couldn’t figure out what time it really was, as judged by my biometric rhythms, so I asked Luna for a stiff drink as I was kicking off my boots and going to attempt to get some kip.
She brought me another liter or so eponymous drink. I was sawing logs by the time I slurped the last swig of that nifty drink.
Suddenly, or later, I have no idea really, some loudmouth drunk asshole from way-the-fuck-back in economy-land toward the ass end of the plane staggered into Business demanding free drinks.
Luna was nothing but civil, and asked him to both shut up and return to his seat. His air cabin hostess, or whatever the fuck they’re calling them these days, will attend to his needs.
“Naw they won’t! They want me to pay for more drinks! I’m broke but I demand more booze! You fucking owe me.” railed the asshole. “I sat at the bar in Hawaii for four hours. Them fuckers charged me an arm and a leg!”
“No, they don’t owe you shit”, I said in a voice that unmistakably loud and clear.
“Fuck you, old man! You stay the fuck out of this!” he bellowed. “Shut up or I’ll do ya’!”
“’Old man’? ‘Do me’? Excuse me. Luna, may I have a word alone with this individual?” I asked sweetly.
Luna shook her head in the affirmative, and I stood up to confront this flagrant asshole.
“Now look, Scooter. You have gone way, way over the fucking line. You are loud. You are abusive. You are obnoxious. And you stink. Plus you insulted a person who is just barely containing his righteous wrath right now. So, I’m giving you one and one only chance to shut up, sit back down before your body spontaneously develops all sort of bruises, contusions, broken bones, and unconsciousness.” I said calmly, evenly, and threateningly.
“What da’ fuck you think you’re going to do…old man?” he screeched, trying to inflate himself into full mammalian threat posture, all 5’ 9” of it.
He didn’t notice Toivo walking up quietly behind him, as Toivo was returning from the head, quiet as a moose.
“Well, Scooter, I am an Air Marshall. Duly appointed, fully trained, and properly pissed off. Right now, I can arrest you, physically detain you, turn this flight around and take you to the Hawaiian police, at your cost for the inconvenience of the entire flight. Or I could arrest you, physically detain you, and turn you over to the Japanese authorities when we land. It’s really your choice. Choose wisely.”
To be continued…⇝

Hey guys I was messing around with the god mode glitch written by someone earlier. It’s the one where you bookmark the job and use the penthouse phone to use the limousine service. Anyways one of the comments said that they were able to use the valet service to spawn inside the penthouse with weapons. Some people found a way out of the casino by starting a job from the map, and using a friend to invite them to a session and still have god mode.
I found an easier way to do this. When your in your casino with weapons, call your personal vehicle from the interaction menu, and spam Y (or whatever button you use to get out of cars on your platform)
You should start falling through the map and when you spawn back at the top you should be in god mode.
The trick is that you can’t use any vehicles, or else it will cut to the valet scene and you’ll no longer have god mode. BUT, you always spawn in the vehicle you enter while in god mode, not the valet vehicle you chose. I even tried this with the avenger, and I spawned with it right by the casino.
Maybe if you had access to a friends or someone’s car, you would be able to take their car inside of the penthouse garage and save it as your own. Not sure if the other person would still have the car or not.
I haven’t tried this with someone yet, and if I do i’ll update this, but if someone could try it and let us know that’d be awesome.
UPDATE: This subreddits definitely being watched by R*. Be careful what you post.
UPDATE 2: You are able to use someone else’s car with valet cut scene, however you cannot save the vehicle as your own. But this glitch DOES work as a workaround to the original god mode glitch.
If you’re having trouble getting the job to show up make sure it’s the right platform, and account.
Then make sure on interaction menu “hide” that all jobs are shown.
If it’s still not showing the job, you have to leave and enter the penthouse, sometimes several times.

After 80 hours of playing on PS5, I got my platinum trophy.
Cyberpunk 2077 is really good, albeit pretty buggy, throughout my playthrough on PS5, my game crashed probably 50+ times but I wasn't too mad as I manually saved frequently and any progress blocking bugs were fixed after a quick load of a checkpoint.
I played as a Male Street Kid V and I didn't mind his VO, there were times where he came off as kind of a try-hard tough guy but It honestly felt charmingly dorky because of the moments where V is just being himself and isn't being that dorky try-hard; And while the life-paths ultimately didn't impact anything major, I enjoyed the flavor dialog you get when the life-path exclusive options pop up, some even opened up different way of completing certain quests, which I thought was pretty neat.
The gameplay felt good to me after some tinkering around with the sensitivity options, I mainly just used power weapons and only really used Skippy as a Smart weapon and I really liked how punchy the sound of guns were; melee was fine for an fps game, though I didn't like how magnetized some of the enemies attacks were, so regardless if you dodged, you still risked a hit; parrying felt weird, I feel like it only worked half the time and when it did, it was when I was nowhere near for a good hit; kinda wish there was some kind of grappling to mix things up between light and heavy attacks.
Looting, I felt had issues, I always grabbed something that was way far off to the side of the thing I was actually trying to grab, it was even worse when it was a gun under a body where you had to find a sweet spot to grab it.
I rarely dabbled in crafting if only to get Comrade's Hammer and Overwatch to Legendary but there are things I hope they add in the future, mainly batch crafting for things like ammo and grenades rather than holding square for 10 minutes just to have a decent amount, also a counter to see how much of that item you already have would definitely be helpful for things like ammo crafting.
I REALLY wished this game had more to offer in terms of customization, there was no customization options for vehicles, for guns you only really get scopes and muzzles for things that appear on certain weapons along with mods which are purely for stats, there's so many decent options for outfits but you tend to be forced into having clothes that look bad but have better stats and mod slots and not something that's cool to you, hopefully transmog gets added along with barber shops and plastic surgeons. Also, a little nitpick of mine, but the lack of cloth physics on coats for V was kinda sad, its definitely possible as River and Takemura's coats have physics applied to them, maybe its just a PS4 version issue and it'll be something they might add with the next-gen version but I honestly doubt it.
Cars handled fine for me and I really liked the look and feel of some of the cars, even the more luxurious cars that I tend to avoid in most open world games. In the beginning, the driving felt like a more manageable, better handling version of GTA IV but as I got better with it, it clicked to me, its JUST Saint Row 2's driving which I really liked because I feel like SR2 has the best driving controls in any open world game.
Night City and the Badlands were really masterfully created, each area had their own style that really appealed to me and I look forward to how much better they can look in the next-gen version; I can't say I have any areas that I would consider my favorite as I really enjoyed the map as a whole but there was nothing that really grabbed me like the West End in Vampyr for example.
The story was REALLY FUCKING GOOD! All of the characters felt real and really fit with the character of V, I really liked how much V grows throughout the story from being a cocky street kid to someone who cares about the people close to him but is scared of his situation.
Johnny starts as an obnoxious asshole but you can definitely tell that V changes him to be a better person (at least in my game), and you start to sympathize with his actions and reasonings and he becomes a really likeable and funny character in most of the side missions; And his ending where he takes over V is just sad, loses the guy he was trying to save and Rouge, I interpreted that ending as Johnny getting a second chance at life he didn't want and while he probably doesn't want to ruin this second chance, he's more than likely mentally checked out and is just waiting for his time to come. Keanu did a really good job with Johnny and I honestly can't think of anyone who would have done a better job.
I really like Judy, she such a bittersweet character, she loses Evelyn, who she definitely had feelings for, tries to help the workers at Clouds but gets screwed over by someone with ulterior motives and as an end result decides to leave NC, looking for her happiness, and judging from her texts and ending message, she does. (except the Suicide ending, loses the girl she had feeling for and one of her closest friends both to suicide, even though I romanced Panam, Judy's message hit the hardest and was incredibly sad)
Panam, in my opinion, on top of being a great character in general, has the best romanceable storyline in a video game, with Jack from ME2 being a close 2nd; the whole relationship dynamic between Panam and V felt natural and made you feel invested in the character, from two people reluctantly paired together by Rouge due to similar objectives and keeping things strictly professional even when V awkwardly flirts with her, and you start to get closer and become friends when you help her with Aldecaldo problems, but then "With a little help from my friends" happens, the "follow your impulses" comment that V makes that Panam follows through with later on was an interesting way of V giving her hints on his feelings, the biggest moment that completely sells the relationship, happens during the campfire; early in the mission, V can talk about Jackie to which Panam will say "I'll remember that" AND BOY DOES SHE REMEMBER THAT, during the campfire, you can toast to Scorpion, an Aldecaldo who died earlier in the questline, everyone, including V toast to Scorpion... except Panam who says "to Jackie", that moment sold me on Panam as a love interest, she cares about V so much that she toasted to a guy she never met just off of the basis that V told her how close he and Jackie were and that he missed him, everything before that was nice but that was just the cherry on top, after that everything is just heart warming and cute as they both completely go all in on their relationship, and the Nomad ending reinforces this but I'll touch on that later.
River was really cool, I dug his character and questline (which is insanely fucked up, but really cool), I laughed when his sister was flirting with V and Rivers like "Nope, bro-code", he's also got a SICK coat.
I didn't like Kerry at first, he seemed like a complete douche, gets you to hijack and burn an band equipment van because someone was covering his song, then drags us into helping him intimidate Us Cracks who where just trying to pay homage and respect to him, after the moment where he understood and accepted that, he became a much better character; trashing the yacht was a pretty fun moment too.
Vik was basically the Uncle character, he cares about V but isn't afraid to hit him with reality, I immediately payed my tab as he deserved it IMO, the fact he also gives V a tip during the final Beat the Brat fight was cool given his history in boxing.
Misty is an absolute sweet heart, you bond with her over Jackie's death and you can tell how important she meant to him and vice-versa, getting her to bond with Mama Wells was neat too, her telling you stories about Jackie while your trying to find something for his memorial was really cool.
Takamura was cool, I dug the moments you can tell V's attitude rubbed off on him, even though you can tell that he's 100% Arasaka, I felt that he would accept you as a friend even if you have different opinions on Arasaka than him (he doesn't, tells you to burn in hell). That parade mission was really cool and the selfie he sends you, 10/10.
I wish we had more time with Jackie, he seemed like a really cool character and experiencing those moments of growth between Jackie and V and meeting Misty and Mama Wells would have been great and really would have made that moment with Panam feel even better had we had more time with Jackie in the beginning as the bond between Jackie and V would have meant more when he does unfortunately die.
The endings vary from absolutely depressing all the way to heartwarming and hopeful.
The suicide ending fucking sucks in the best way, V believing that killing himself is the best way of keeping those he cares about safe and ending his situation with Johnny, but the messages speak otherwise; Misty telling Vik to send a message as a way of coping, Mama Wells praying for you as she probably felt like she just lost two sons in V and Jackie, Judy... fucking hell man, couldn't imagine what was going through her head during that message, Panam's rage at realizing that the man she loved killed himself even though she offered to help him with his situation, River understanding as his previous partner suffered the same fate but also knows its incredibly sad that there's one less good person in NC, Kerry being pissed that V felt that suicide was the right choice as he probably understood as Kerry was in a similar situation and was disappointed V didn't know better and Misty being mournful.
I already touched on the Johnny ending, but I honestly feel bad for Johnny because he didn't ask for a second chance and now he has to live with V and Rogue's deaths on his conscience, on top of probably burning any and all bridges with V's friends and loved ones.
The Arasaka ending is some borderline horror shit, being trapped in space with a corp who's researching your condition with probable ulterior motives, having nightmares because of the repetitive testing, calling your friends who tell you they miss you and to come back home (though, Panam was pissed when I called her) and in the end you have two choices, sell your soul and become an engram for an unknown amount time to Arasaka who probably wont give a shit about you after that or go back to earth and wait out the remaining time you have left.
Become a legend of Night City but ultimately feel you have nothing to lose as you'll die soon anyway and take an offer from Mr. Blue Eyes (Who's incredibly sketchy) to rob a space casino for info he wants.
Nomad Ending is the best ending IMO, not only because I romanced Panam which made the ending even better (and I know that if Female V romances Judy, she joins the Aldecaldo's as well and is also a really good, feel good ending) but also because it left more opportunity for a DLC Expansion than the other endings as well as a satisfying ending to V's story as a whole; the night before the raid was really nice, testing out the new systems on the basilisk with Mitch and the bottle challenge with Cassidy were cool but that's all I could do as the rest of the activities during this were glitched, cuddling with Panam on the overlook was nice, her getting some stress off her chest and V reassuring Panam that he cares about her and will be there for her no matter what was really sweet; the raid was cool, I was hoping Mitch didn't die when he went back to pilot the basilisk solo and I'm glad he didn't die as I grew to like him as basically a Nomad Vik, Saul dying kinda sucked as he seemed to be cooling down his ego and wanting to work things out with Panam for the betterment of the Aldecaldos but Adam stomping his head in was funny, at least Rouge got to blow him up before she dies in Johnny's ending; the moment at the Dam between V and Panam was nice, V saying that he's glad he met Panam and the Aldecaldos and that he has nothing left in Night City, and the moment with them on top of the basilisk was cute; the messages were nice during this ending, though I was kinda disappointed Judy has the same message for all of the non-suicide endings, Misty's Tarot reading message is incredibly important as to why I think Nomad is the best ending, there's already a bunch of threads that touch on that but it definitely says a lot when its the only ending that gives V a shred of a chance that he might cure his disease and survive.
Overall, I really enjoyed my time with Cyberpunk 2077, I'd probably place it as my second game of the year (with Tony Hawk's Pro-Skater 1+2 being my personal GOTY) due to bugs but I know In due time that the game will be something really great by the end of its life span and i hope that if a Cyberpunk 2 does happen, it'll be even better than Cyberpunk 2077; I haven't been able to get this game out of my head since I started playing it and I cannot wait to do this all over again when the PS5 version and all the DLC's come out.

Hello everyone, happy new year!
With recent release of Cayo Perico but not much else I wanted to touch base with the community holding out for GTA Online in Liberty City or Vice City, and debrief from the Cayo Perico DLC.
Even though Cayo Perico came out unexpectedly (to us), it is a small but welcome addition to the GTA Online world.
I believe that we still have reason to cling onto hope that that Liberty City will sooner rather than later, and Cayo Perico is a stepping stone to that demonstrating the map expansions are possible.
While I no longer think that we will see a remastered city come this generation of console, but we still have GTA V "Expanded and Enhanced" coming in 2021 which may have much more than just GTA V itself.

Reasons why I think that GTA V "Expanded and Enhanced" is more than just GTA V with updated graphics

1. GTA V XB1 & PS4 versions already work fine in XBSX/XBSS/PS5. It looks and runs great, similar to a PC level of detail/performance. Why would a significant update be needed if it will be much the same if they didn't have big plans on top of that?
2. Cayo Perico proves that Rockstar's idea of "Expanded" can mean land expansion
3. Cayo Perico sounds like it was more a like a side project during COVID-19 WFH than something in the works for a long time. It is not unreasonable to think that Rockstar, with all their global studios now merged together, haven't been working on something big since the bulk of RDR2 was finished.

Source: https://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/culture/article/gta-online-cayo-perico-heist

1. Why are they being so vague about the details, even to go as far as using a PS3 trailer for it... are they doing this because they are hiding something? Even being so far to be anticlimactic to take off the pressure from fans, and surprise us later.

What Cyberpunk 2077 has taught the overall gaming community lately is what happens when you overpromise and underdeliver. However Rockstar already learnt this lesson back in 2015 when they promised Heists in GTA Online, which kept being reworked and delayed until near the end of the PS3/360 generation and copped a lot of criticism for it.
Basically every social media comment was "Where are the Heists", fans were frustrated. From that time onwards they never released details until about 2 weeks out from launch for a DLC. RDR2 was a bit longer, but only because they had other partners to consider. For this they originally gave it 1 year from announcement to release date, but it was delayed to 2 years, with PC one more year after that (which also wasn't even announced until one month before that).
Here is a quote about what went wrong with Heists:

We aren’t ready to give an official release date yet, but we are confident they will be ready early in 2015. As you may have read on IGN, Heists were a much bigger challenge to create than we had originally anticipated. Early versions were simply not good enough and had to be scrapped more than once as we honed in on how we thought they should work. We’re happy to say that the pack we are now finalizing is something we are excited by and eager to release as soon as it is ready. We, as a company, have always been about trying to make something that is good rather than hitting a date. We apologize when this gets frustrating but firmly believe that rushing out second-rate content does not do anyone any favors. Hopefully you agree that yesterday’s new Trailer is a sign that Heists are shaping up nicely, but we still need some time to fine tune them. Because we need a little time to get Heists right, we are going to give you a small Christmas gift to keep you entertained until we are done with them.

Sources:
https://www.rockstargames.com/newswire/article/52366/asked-answered-gtav-first-person-experience-online
https://www.ign.com/articles/2014/12/16/grand-theft-auto-5-online-heists-finally-revealed

Reasons why I think something related to Liberty City is most likely to be the next major GTA Online expansion to come

1. GTA IV & EFLC is highly regarded as a masterpiece, it's fanbase is still strong - many still prefer it to GTA V for a variety reasons, so it is a good candidate for a remaster. They can always make the GTA IV car physics, ragdoll, etc. come back again, perhaps as a user configurable option. Having the map there is the gateway to bringing these highly valued games back to a new generation.

Their games always start with the map, source: https://www.mcvuk.com/development-news/inside-rockstar-north-part-1-the-vision/

1. The availability of GTA IV is terrible. It is only a Backwards Compatibility title on Xbox One (non Enhanced), runs like rubbish on PC - performance wise (and multiplayer is now removed), and the PS4 & PS5 doesn't have it at all. Most other GTAs are available for purchase, at least on Mobile.
   
2. GTA V is now 7 years old and the GTA fanbase is now bigger than ever thanks to GTA V & Online. A lot of new fans haven't had the opportunity to experience GTA IV because of the above availability issue. The new fans are desperate for a new (to them) GTA game, especially since it doesn't look like GTA6 is coming any time soon. Or maybe I'm wrong and 6 is coming soon as well?
   
3. GTA Online is progressively getting new content referencing to Liberty City or content ported from Liberty City (i.e The Tugboat, QUB3D), so they are not above re-using GTA IV assets or dropping hints.
   
4. It is clear that they have been taking the "lazy" route as far as making new content for GTA Online DLCs by re-using existing assets. Don't get me wrong there is still a lot of work involved, but still it is less work than starting from scratch.
   

But it would make sense that they will continue their more recent M.O. to re-use existing assets rather than start from scratch to save time, effort and cost.

• Porting the Liberty City map to GTA V engine can't be that difficult, given that even PC Modders have already been able to do it unofficially (FiveM/OpenIV), so just imagine what Rockstar can do when doing it properly.
• There were only about 10 multiplayer modes in GTA IV Multiplayer, it wouldn't be hard to bring those back to GTA Online game modes to recreate that missing experience.

1. With high profile departures of the writers such as Leslie Benzies, Dan Houser & Lazlow there is no doubt going to be a brain drain. I'm sure they were working on stuff before their departures, and I'm sure that RockstaTake-Two with all their billions of dollars will be able to find other top talent to bring GTA into a new era, but this will take time, and they can get things out in the meantime. The story of GTA IV, Map & other assets are already made, so this gives them a head start to put out games while they rediscover their Mojo to make GTA6 using new talent.
2. GTA Online is a Big Money Maker, it will make the GTA IV & ELFC remaster worth it because the remastered map will be used for both GTA IV & Online: LC (maybe slight map differences according to time period).
3. Why did they put so much effort into issuing cease and desists to OpenIV team for OpenIV's LCinV project (even though it used original game files, no piracy) if they weren't planning on doing something in this space themselves.
4. Cayo Perico aside (which is still quite small), Los Santos as the primary setting of GTA Online is still a bit stale after 7 years. They can't use 2013 Los Santos forever, surely. Not to mention that a new GTA release is already well overdue.

GTA IV Music Licensing speculation/hints

A little while back, a lot of music track licenses expired and they were pulled from the PC version, most notably Vladivostok FM was most affected with most songs removed.
They put in some new tracks to replace it, which wasn't quite as good but it seemed like that was as good as it's going to get.
But then they went ahead and relicensed the original tracks anyway so all the music is now restored again (about 16 months after being originally cut).
Why go though all that expense of relicensing all that music if they aren't planning to capitalise on it in a big way?

Cayo Perico speculation/hints

Not much here directly, but I have played with it a little bit.
The way that it's programmed is interesting. As far as I can tell, travel to the island is sharing a session with Free Mode rather than being a different game mode, which you can tell by seeing the player list stay the same as whoever is in the Freemode session you were in. There is no loading of a different game mode, it is just a cut scene. On PC you can even chat to people who are still in Los Santos.
When you look at the map, you are located South-East of LS (just past USS Luxington), and if you move the mouse you can get locations of LS show up, it's just the map itself which is hidden.
There is a glitch you can do to "free roam" the whole Island, or just go to the Beach Party standalone, it is clear that you are in Free Mode of an existing Los Santos based lobby.
When I was glitched, I was able to take a Dinghy back to LS, LS was visible. about halfway there, the whole Cayo Perico just de-spawned similar to how the USS Luxington does, and also the weathenight cycle changed instantly too.
When I was glitched but still on the Island, a whole bunch of functions were disabled like spawning cars, calling contacts, etc.
What this shows me is that perhaps they are experimenting with how integration with Future GTA Maps will look like.
Instead of loading a whole different game, or loading a different game mode, it could be one big Free Mode made up of all locations, the locations can not be directly accessed without triggering a cut scene, and the properties of how a Free Mode works can change depending on what location on the broader map you are in.
One challenge I anticipate is that they wouldn't want GTA$ earned in LS to be transferred to a totally new GTA Online area. It is well known that a lot of it glitched and they'd want us to start getting rich again. They have also been experimented with holding separate currencies such as Arena Points or Casino Chips. I could imagine that they come up with a storyline where all your GTA$ Cash gets deposited into Maze Bank but then can't be withdrawn to cash or moved to another bank, and in LC you are forced to use a competing bank like the Bank of Liberty. Basically LS = only get Maze Bank, LC = only get Bank of Liberty.
Cars/Planes etc. Can be not widely transferable (i.e. You MKII or Babushka holding a car has engine failure mid flight and crashes, or maybe you need to go to the Airport marker on food), and maybe some planes (i.e. Luxor) can enter on a visiting basis via. Cutscene of that vehicle but can't be saved at the destination into a personal hangar.

Final words

I hope this gives some good for thought.
Keep speculating! At least until we get some solid info
Here's to 2021.

UPDATE

Since no one knows how to read the flair at the top of the post...
This glitch is PATCHED. Stop attempting this glitch and stop commenting that it’s patched when it obviously already says that.

Requirements:

• Arena War vehicle you want to duplicate [Future Shock Issi sells for the most]
• VERY IMPORTANT: A Custom License Plate on the car you want to duplicate before you start the glitch
• 9 Free Elegys
• 10-Car Garage (Dynasty 8 properties ONLY)
• A friend to do this with
• Acess to the mission “Casino - Cashing Out”. You can bookmark a playlist linked below.

If you don’t have a custom license plate then you’ll be creating dirty dupes.

Text Tutorial:

1. Put the 9 Elegys and the vehicle you want to duplicate inside of a 10 car garage
   
2. Start up the mission “Casino - Cashing Out”
   
3. Have your friend drive to the mission checkpoint (yellow GPS waypoint). Once your friend arrives at the GPS marker it should say “Take out Avery’s bodyguards” at the bottom of the screen.
   
4. Now go inside of your 10 car garage and drive out one of the Elegys.
   

Note: Your vehicle may not appear at first, this is okay. Still move on to the next step.

1. When you spawn outside drive the Elegy forward a few feet (doesn’t have to be that far)
   
2. Exit the Elegy and go back inside your Garage
   
3. Enter the vehicle you want to duplicate (should be there now) and drive it outside of the garage.
   
4. Open the Interaction Menu, go down to Vehicle and then request Personal Vehicle.
   
5. After it says “You are already using your Special / Personal Vehicle” go back inside your garage with the vehicle.
   

Your vehicle should now be duplicated.

1. Repeat steps 4 - 9 for the rest of the Elegys
   
2. After you (or both you and your friend) are finished duplicating you can quit the mission.
   
3. Sell your duplicates but be aware of the daily sell limit.
   

Once again, it is VERY IMPORTANT that you use CUSTOM LICENSE PLATES for this glitch.

Cashing Out Playlists:

PS4 Link: https://socialclub.rockstargames.com/games/gtav/ps4/playlists/playlist/swT22E2tXk-laNYtnM92HQ
Xbox Link: https://socialclub.rockstargames.com/games/gtav/xboxone/playlists/playlist/2NQb_bduYkuJ9KpcZirhjA
PC Link: https://socialclub.rockstargames.com/games/gtav/pc/playlists/playlist/YhqsQagrdk6Ak26IiKgjhw

Additional Info:

• It does not matter who the host is
• Everyone in the mission can do the glitch at the same time
• Does not work with regular / Benny’s vehicles
• Does not work with Casino Penthouse garages, Nightclub garages, CEO garages etc. Dynasty 8 Garages ONLY

Edit: Since you need a custom plate, DO NOT use vehicles that literally have no license plate (Example: Deathbike).
Edit - On PC: I originally thought that this didn’t work on PC. On PC it “works” but on your duplications will revert back into Elegy’s once you log off.

UPDATE:

Since no one knows how to read the flair at the top of the post...
This glitch is PATCHED. Stop attempting this glitch and stop commenting that it’s patched when it obviously already says that.

THIS GLITCH PRODUCES DIRTY DUPES, ONLY DO THIS IF YOU HAVE ACCESS TO CUSTOM PLATES
EDIT: DOES NOT WORK ON PC
EDIT: DOES WORK ON PS4, ONLY IF YOURE DUPING ARENA CARS APPARENTLY
Requirements: Able to start or replay the last casino mission, Cashing Out.
Setup: Have one issi or the car you want to dupe in an APARTMENT OR REAL ESTATE GARAGE (CEO, Nightclub, Arcade, Facility, Arena etc will not work) and fill the rest of the places in the garage with free elegy or just cars you don’t mind losing
Step 1: Start Cashing Out
Step 2: Get a street car and drive to garage (friend in job will go to the yellow marker and wait there, that’s all they have to do)
Step 3: Once friend reaches the yellow marker, get out of your street car and into the garage
Step 4: Get into an elegy and drive it out
Step 5: Drive the elegy forward about 10 feet or the length of a prison bus, get out and get back in the garage
Step 6: Get in your issi or car you want to dupe and drive it out
Step 7: Stay still, open interactive menu and request personal vehicle
Step 8: Wait about 10 seconds, drive the same length you drove the elegy, do a donut (hold both triggers if youre on console) and spin so you’re facing the garage door without reversing or driving forward, and drive into garage
Step 9: Your elegy will be replaced with an issi. Get out of the issi and repeat from step 4
Credit goes to whoever found this first
Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vlVSpPllWU&t=28s

In todays log we will discuss the fluffy’s second most common killer. Humans.
But before we do that I would like to explain more of the fluffy’s biology.
The nutrition of the fluffy in the Neverglades is actually quite good. They are omnivores believe it or not. Meat does have some vital vitamins that they require to sustain good nutrition. However, they can have a full vegetarian diet and survive, however, their muscles and digestive system will not be up to par. Fluffy’s from the north tend to have lots of diarrhea, that is what happens if their only food source is just milk or just grass. Grass is low in fiber and nutrients compared to other vegetables so it is no wonder northern feral fluffy’s defecation is mostly liquid. In Florida, they can eat pond apples. A very bitter but still nutritious cousin of the apples we know and love. Fluffies don’t seem to mind the bitter taste, however, that is because they are feral. Pond apples were given to domestic fluffies and they rejected it. As ferals they will make the most out of any flavor. Other fruits they can eat are seagrapes, coconuts, and the thousands of orange, lime, and peach trees left over from the farms. Such trees are now spreading all throughout the Neverglades. As for meat, they have 2 main sources. Other fluffies, foals, and insects. They will munch on the countless grasshoppers, ants, beetles, and any other small arthropod. So I guess fluffies are above at least bugs in the food chain, however there are plenty of insects that can eat them if they have large numbers. With such a balanced diet, mares rarely have stillborns or defective foals! Also these Neverglade fluffy fecal matter is solid. Their rear ends still get covered in the stuff however…
The Neverglades have countless factions that scour the land. Keep in mind fluffies are biologically programmed to love humans unconditionally. Most feral fluffies have never seen a human and yet they still crave their love. Our drones have caught them murmuring to themselves that they want a “hooman huggies.” Humans are practically mythical gods to them at this point. When they do see one, they will become overjoyed and charge towards them asking for “huggies” and “gib upsies.” The human almost always kills them. After a few foul encounters with a human a fluffy will learn to fear us, unfortunately, they can’t seem to teach other fluffies that lesson.
In parenthesis is how their standings are with fluffies, from most friendly to least it goes
Loving-neutral-aggressive-hostile.
Researchers (Neutral): Us, we do not kill fluffies unless required for an experiment or if we are low on food supplies.
Rangers (Aggressive): These are the park Rangers, they are one half invasive species hunter, one half SWAT team. They will kill any python, boar, Nile crocodile, or iguana they come across. As for fluffies, they used to kill on sight, but the fluffy population always seemed to bounce back. They were spending countless dollars on ammo and trying to club a whole herd to death could take hours. And again, the fluffies always bounced back, always. They deemed it pointless unless using them for target practice. Also, they will kill them if bored.
(Video plays, it seems to be from a phone)
Filming Ranger: Duuuuddee got the ‘nade?
A herd off fluffies are running to them in the distance, feint “huggies” and “upsies” can be heard.
Other Ranger: Yeah dude! Fuckin’ watch. (Now Shouting) HEY FLUFFS, PLAY WITH BALL!
He pulls the pin to the grenade and throws it at the herd. The fluffies shout “yay baww! fank 'ou.” They played with the grenade for only a second before it went off, causing blood, shit, fur, and dead foals to coat the surrounding land. The explosion was followed by the roaring laughter of the Rangers.
(Video Ends)
Armed with assault rifles and large artillery, the Rangers are also in the Neverglades to stop the Cuban Cartels, Brofluff Cultists, Anarchists, malfunctioning robots, and any other nefarious activity in the Neverglades.
[Redacted] Man (Extremely hostile, even to [Redacted]!): [Redacted] Man is [Redacted], im*e#sely da^ng3r&s [Red4c1ed] d0 4OT A9pr0c#-----
Squatters (Hostile): Not everyone took kindly to evacuate all land south of Lake Okeechobee order. Many demanded to say, and the governor obliged, however, he warned them that there would be no police force or fire fighters to protect them, or corporations to supply jobs. Over the years many Squatters moved back to the inhabited parts of Florida such as the pan handle after life got too rough. Not only that, many Squatters have been killed by the Cartels, Anarchists, and even panthers and black bears. The Fort of Fort Myers was completely destroyed by [Redacted] Man. Which used to be the largest Squatter stronghold. Now they are sparse and no longer live in large communities, instead they live more of a hermit life. Fluffies are their main source of meat. They will hunt them; such a task is easily done with fluffies prancing to them. But they will also construct traps. The most effective is a Comfortfluffy. Think of it like a scarecrow but opposite. It is human effigy that it is made to attract Fluffies. As they approach the comfortfluffy, the fluffies will try to hug it. At the base of the comfortfluffy is a large mouse trap device hidden under pine needles. Such a device can kill 5 fluffies in 1 activation.
(Video starts)
A Comfortfluffy is erected in the backyard of an isolated house in a grassland. Around the Comfortfluffy is tan palmfrawns that hide the killing mechanism. There is even a small radio hidden in the chest of the Comfortfluffy playing songs one would hear on Fluffy TV.
A small pack of 5 adult fluffies with 2 mares with foals on their backs happily waddle towards the comfortfluffy shouting “huggies!” They begin to nudge the pants of the comfortfluffy and although metal creaking sounds could be heard, the trap does not activate. Then one of the fluffies begins to jump while singing “upsies!” The jump was just the pressure needed to activate the trap. A rusty screech is heard as the trap activates and 4 mouse trap-like bars swing down around the comfortfluffy. The cheers of the fluffies turn to a quick shriek, a loud crack, followed by some meek crying. 3 of the fluffies died on impact, their scull or chest cavity popped like a pimple. The 2 that survived had their hind ends crushed and their entrails shot out their rear. “Big owwies!!!” They meekly cried as the life in them slowly drained. The Foals that got hit by the bars were completely obliterated. The ones that were not hit were completely unscathed, however, they began to cry about everyone taking the “foweba sweepies.” As shadow then looms over them.
“Sandra! Were havin’ foal stew tonight!”
(Video ends)
Cuban Cartels (Hostile): Even after the legalization of marijuana the Cartels did not slow down. They are still quite in business thanks to the ever-growing demand for cocaine, heroin, and opium. The Cartels will make landfall in the Neverglades if the make it past the heavily patrolled Keys Atolls. They even have some bases the Rangers can’t take out unless they get military assistance. The Cartels will actively lure fluffies into their bases. They will put signs featuring happy looking humans with arrows pointing at the base. The fluffies will gladly follow the signs. Once lured into the base the Cartel henchmen will slaughter them for food.
Anarchists (Loving to Hostile): True to the definition of their namesake, they have no set rules or governance, and most anarchist groups have no relation to one another. You’ll have the ones who come to the Neverglades to abuse its low surveillance to torture and murder Squatters, other anarchists, and any other poor human that gets in their way. They will of course have their way with any and all fluffies. Then you’ll have the more hippie kind who just want to have a nice little commune away from corporations. These are usually very loving to the fluffies, most wont even hunt them with the amount of vegans they have. However, these communes don’t last long due to attacks from the Cartels, other anarchists, [Redacted] Man, and even large animal attacks. We’ve even witnessed a massive pack of coyotes kill an entire commune.
Brofluff Cult (Loving): This all male cult worships some sort of female equine pantheon. Part of their religion is to be subservient to all fluffies. They will come to the Neverglades and build small fluffly sized homes. They will cook countless spaghetti for the fluffies. They will protect the fluffies, even going as far as killing any human who dare hurts a fluffy. However, do note they will… mate… with a mare they call their “fluffu.” They will also breed fluffies in hopes of reincarnating the “Daughters of the Goddesses.” The Rangers will keep a close eye on them, if they make any aggressive move towards other humans the Rangers will rout them.
Pirates (Hostile): Basically anarchists that patrol the seas. They will commonly go ashore to restock on fluffies unless the find a drifting boat full of fluffies.
Fathers of Freeport (Hostile): Please remember, when I write “hostile” I only mean to fluffies, these men are actually very kind. The name of their faction was dubbed by me, they are simply Bahaman refugees searching for food. After sea level rise the Bahaman government disbanded, taking the upper class with them to live in Florida’s panhandle. The rest of the civilians were left to fend for themselves. Food is now critically short over in the Bahamas. What little land is left can’t grow food and the coral reefs have been overfished to depletion. However, some savvy fisherman have learned about the fluffy situation in Florida. They sail over to the east coast and collect a hulls worth of fluffies to take back to the remnants of their starving country. This particular group I was monitoring always stocks up at an atoll building at Hallandale Reef. This building is completely surrounded by water and somehow stuffed to the gills with fluffies on all dry floors. I was even able to intercept and question the captain of the fishing boat.
(Start of transcript)
Researcher: So what brought you to Hallandale Reef?
Captain: The reefs ova’ by Miami have too many pirates scoutin’ the seas. But here it is close enough to Seminole Territory dat da pirates shy away.
Researcher: Has the Seminoles have any qualms with you?
Captain: Nah, dey know we mean no harm. We take only the fluffy ones. Dey seem to not care fo’ them.
Researcher: Are you afraid this building will run out of fluffies?
Captain: (Laughs) No, no, no. Dees tings have many many babs’. If anyting we be doing them a favor and stoppin’ them from ending up like our own home.
Researcher: Have any of your men gotten hurt trying to farm these fluffies?
Captain: Yes, a greenhorn died. The floors of dis building be covered in shit. Poor greenhorn slipped and fell down stairs.
Researcher: I see, have you encountered [Redacted] Man?
Captain: Oh no lord Jesus, nonono! We be going now, good day!
Researcher: But…
Captain: Our hulls are full, and you reminded me of why our people can’t immigrate here, goodbye! And may lord Jesus protect your soul, science man who pokes tings dat need not be pokin’!
(End of Transcript)
Seminole Tribe (Neutral): A very powerful faction on par with the Rangers when it comes to control in the Neverglades. With the rising waters the Seminoles have lost lots of their ancestral lands and the USA did not grant them any more territory. However, they adapted. Their crowing hotel, the Hard Rock Hotel was a casino and hotel that is shaped like a giant guitar. Now that it is surrounded by water, they modified it to work also as a yacht club and dock. They even built an underwater hotel near it. People from all over the world fly in to West Palm Beach to take a cruise to their establishment. They also rule the area with an iron fist, killing any pirates, cultists, Cartel, or any other undesirables that try to make a footing in their territory. To fluffies, they are indifferent. See them as nothing more as a pest. They will kill any feral fluffy that is found in the halls of their hotels. But for any fluffy roaming the marshes of their territory, they know culling won’t really solve anything, so they let nature take its course. They also breed fluffies for desirable colors and will even have Fluffy Shows where breeders exhibit their fluffy show-pony.
Fighters For Florida (Or the FFF) (Neutral to Hostile): With the right permits and go aheads from government bodies, civilians can enter the Neverglades. The FFF is a hunting force of civilians that is organized to hunt invasive species such as pythons, Nile crocs, and any other invasive threat. However, ones hunting for pythons and such do not target fluffies because they know it will make no difference and their reserve ammo is better spent fighting any human threat that tries to harm them. That being said, some… questionably moraled FFF hunters that call themselves “abusers” come to the Neverglades to only torture fluffies to death. Since fluffies are labeled as invasive animals “to be removed by any means necessary” the abusers are 100% in legal right to… “hunt” fluffies in any way they want.
That about covers the humans of the Neverglades. Now we shall talk about native fluffavores, aka native animals that can eat adult fluffies.
The Black Bear: This animal is an omnivore in which 80% of their diet was vegetation. Not anymore, now their primary food source is fluffies. Because they are easier to hunt then to forage for fruits. If a heard of Fluffies spots one, they will usually shout and panic and try to quickly waddle away. The Black Bear will make chase and usually eat the one that trips, or it will swipe at the slowest one and kill it. Black Bears can even take out a nest by themselves. Even if the fluffies try to hide in a burrow the bears can dig down to them, but they usually go after easier fluffy prey. Black Bears in human ruins have learned that pushing open doors or breaking into boxes, cars, trash cans, and other containers have a good chance of revealing a hiding fluffy. Also note, fluffies also tend to think ALL land animals fear the water like them and will rush into shallow water to escape the black bear. They will then tease the bear, until the bear effortlessly charges into the water and kills them.
Panthers: We have talked about the general hunting habits of the panther in log 1, however I’d like to add on the habits of an alpha male panther. Alphas will patrol a large territory and basically kill any animal it does not want in its territory including other male panthers. One alpha has been documented killing 125 fluffies in a mega herd. It only ate 2.
Florida Gar: This fish can grow up to 3 meters in length. It used to be a very rare sight this far south in Florida after overfishing from humans. Now, they have made ma huge comeback thanks to the Neverglades low human population and fluffies as a food source. Unlike smaller gar or bass, these fish can eat an adult fluffy. They will glide into the shallows and scoop up a fluffy wading through the water and then use its serpentine body to slither back into the depth all while the fluffy begs to be let go. If the initial bite does not kill it that is.
Raptors: Hawks, Eagles, Osprey, Falcons and any large bird that hunts with talons. The red shouldered hawk is very common predator of the skies. “Wingie munstah” as they are called by fluffies are common throughout all habitats and thus Raptors have the largest kill count of fluffies if you don’t count humans. Our camera drones must always use its cloaking device not only to not spook the fluffies, but to hide from raptors.
(Video starts)
A Red Shouldered Hawk sits on a tall cypress branch as it spots a herd of fluffies waddling into the dried cypress dome. “Fluffy so thiwsty… need some wawas…” They then come across a puddle and joyously begin to drink. That is when the hawk makes its move. It glides down under the branches and before the fluffies can even cry out in warning. The hawk snatches up a small adult fluffy, as it flies the fluffy shits on everything below. The hawk waits for it to stop shitting and carries him up to a branch. All fluffies scatter in fear but one, the victim fluffies mate and her foals. “Wingie munstah! Pwease gib speshuw fwend back!” The foals also cry for their mother’s mate. The hawk then lands on a branch and holds the fluffy down with one talon that has dug into his flesh. The hawk begins to peck at the fluffy’s side and the fluffy begins to cry out “biggest owwies!” The hawk rips out the fluffy’s liver, then a kidney, then more chunks of flesh until the fluffy dies of organ failure. Stated, the hawk then pushes the fluffy off the branch. Its corpse hits multiple branches on the way down until it lands and the mare and her foals begin to cry at his corpse. The mare then is snatched up by a bald eagle and the cycle repeats.
The video then shows a clip of two ospreys fighting over a filly midair. It should be noted that not all Raptors kill fluffies by consumption, sometimes they simply drop them. The osprey continue to fight until they drop the filly into the brackish water below. She screams and shouts until she drowns and disappears under the tea-like waters of the estuary.
The video then shows a clip of a bald eagle migrating high in the air. The fluffy it is carrying then shits so hard it startles the eagle and it drops it. The video zooms in as the fluffy splats on the abandoned parking lot below.
(Video ends)
Alligators: These ancient predators are a fluffy’s worst nightmare because it is a “wawa munsta” that can exit the water and kill them. It is immensely rare for an alligator to hunt on land. They are almost entirely ambush predators, laying low in the water, hidden until a land animal needs to take a drink so it can immediately bite the prey’s head and pull it into the water. Such a perfect strategy is why alligators have been relatively unchanged since the time of dinosaurs. Such a strategy is perfect to eat fluffies, to no surprise. However, why wait? Alligators will leave the water, charge at a herd and scoop up one that did not run away in time. If they see trapped fluffies, they can devour multiple.
(Video starts)
There is a large abandoned Olympic sized swimming pool that has essentially turned into a marsh. Ten fluffies have entered the pool on the shallow end where sediment pile up from draining rainwater has made a ramp. They waddle to the diving well of the pool which has become a small pond within itself. The fluffies begin to drink from the pondwater and a massive alligator from the kiddie pool scurries into the pool marsh. The fluffies finally see her but it is too late. The walls of the pool got them trapped and the alligator blocks the only way out. The alligator slowly gets them to back up into the corner of the pool as they meekly cry and whine and shit. She lunges forward and bites one, then a second, then another! She shallows 3 fluffies down as they scream and defecate. The rest of the herd use this time to escape. However, more alligators enter the marsh pool as their cries altered the whole waterpark.
A new video clip starts to show off how some mares will sacrifice foals to save themselves.
A mare is cornered in a sewer as a 50cm juvenile alligator hisses and harasses the mare. The foal on her back shouts “Mummah! make wawa munsta go 'way!” She lets out a sad cry “Am sowwy bestes' babbeh.” And drops the foal on the ground, the alligator scoops it up as the mare escapes.
(Video ends)
Seagulls: Alone they can eat a foal, but a flock can peck a lone adult to death and eat small chunks of them.
Those are all the native fluffavores we have for today. Next log we will talk about defective robots that are scattered throughout the Neverglades. And how their glitched programming makes them a threat to fluffies… unless their programming was to kill them in the first place. Then they are not glitched.

Last updated 2:00 EST, 27 July
^{RIP my inbox}
All new posts asking about information already provided here will be removed and redirected here to reduce redundancy.

Release

As of 5:15 EST, the update has released on PS4, Xbox One, and PC.

• 3.4GB on PS4
• 3.2GB on Xbox One
• 2.9GB on Steam
• 2.6GB on Social Club.

On the note of releases... Some countries will not be able to access certain content from this update due to gambling laws. Thankfully though, players from these countries will still be allowed to download the update in general.

Money for Diamond Casino

For ways to make money to afford the new DLC content, along with methods to make an empty lobby to do CEO/MC work, check the Mega Guide.
Tips

• You only need $50,000 to register as a VIP! If you have at least that much, you can register as a VIP for 4 hours and get access to VIP missions (which can be done in an invite only session), giving you a lucrative way to save up.
• If you own both a crate warehouse and vehicle warehouse, you could use them together to make more money overtime than you could by using either exclusively. Use your sourcing/exports between crate pickups and sales, and you'll be getting the best of both worlds, gaining from the postive money-making aspects of both.

Content and Prices

Content that has initially released with the update.

Southern San Andreas Super Autos

• Weeny Issi Sport - $897,000
• Vapid Caracara 4x4 - $875,000

Legendary Motorsport

• Annis S80RR: $2.6million
• Enus Paragon R: $905,000
• Obey 8F Drafter: $718,000
• Truffade Thrax: $2.3million

Penthouses

• Cash Pad: $1.5million
• Party Penthouse: $3.78million
• High Roller: $6.5million
• "Design Your Own": $1.5million

Penthouse Customizations

• Colour options: $215,000 or $258,500
• Pattern options: $92,000 - $210,000

Penthouse Addons

• Lounge Area: $400,000
• Media Room: $500,000
• Spa: $800,000
• Bar and Party Hub: $700,000
• Private Dealer: $1.1million
• Office: $200,000
• Extra Bedroom: $200,000
• Garage: $800,000

Gambling

As this is a Casino-centric update, there's plenty of ways to gamble away your hard-grinded money.
The gambling in this game centers around a new form of currency, called Chips. These chips are pretty much like real-world gambling chips, with a one-to-one dollar value, except you keep your chips when you leave the casino. Chips are an actual currency in GTA Online, as they can be used to purchase exclusive items from a shop inside the casino, along with being used to bet with when playing the Gambling Games, listed below

• Slot Machines: There's plenty of options to choose from, but they all perform the same way. Spend some chips, and let the RNG decide whether or not you earn anything from it.
• Blackjack: Casino style blackjack with up to four simultaneous players, all of which play against the dealer. Anyone who beats the dealer individually wins, anyone who the dealer beats individually loses, and if the dealer gets Blackjack (an Ace and 10/face-card), everyone immediately loses. Assuming your initial hand isn't a Blackjack, you have the option of doubling-down, which doubles your initial bet with the caveat of only being able to hit once.
• Poker: Three-card poker. You make your bets, check your hand, and similar to Blackjack, each player wins if their hand is better than the dealer's, and the dealer beats whoever has a worse hand than him. While there is no option to double-down, how much you win does depend on how good of a hand you have. The better your hand, the more you win. Also, while you can fold your hand, you lose your initial bet anyway.
• Horse Racing: Pretty much standard horse racing bettering. You choose a horse, you put your money down, and if you bet correctly, you get double the amount you bet in return. Otherwise, you just lose the amount you bet.

To gain more chips, there is a counter inside the casino where you can buy them, however you are limited in how many you can buy per day (real-world 24 hours). As standard, you can buy a maximum of 20,000 chips per day, but if you own a penthouse of any tier, you can buy up to 50,000 chips per day. Chips can also be traded in for money, but there does not appear to be a limit on this. No matter how many chips you win from gambling, it appears that you can trade them all in at once for the equivalent dollar value.
Lastly, there is the Wheel. It's a roulette wheel that you can only spin once per day, which costs $500 per spin. There are twenty reward slots, and since some rewards are in multiple slots, they have greater chances of being selected. The biggest note about this wheel however is that there is one slot in which you can win a free car! What makes this so significant is that since the car takes a 1/20 slot on the wheel, that means you still have a 5% chance of winning a free high-value vehicle! Compared to most online games, that's pretty much the most generous RNG you can get.

Business and Missions

coming soon

FAQ

Are there any differences between the penthouses
For once, yes! Well, technically... they're the same basic property layout, but each option gives you different addon options.

• The Cash Pad: The basic Penthouse with no property addons available . You cannot purchase a garage, extra bedroom, lounge, etc. with the Cash Pad. You can, however, purchase penthouse customizations (colour and wall patterns).
• The Party Penthouse: Gives you certain of the addon options: the main Penthouse, the Extra Bedroom, the Lounge Area, the Spa, and the Bar and Party Hub. You are locked to these options, no more, no less.
• The High Roller: Gives you all of the property addons as standard, and the most expensive penthouse customization options... this means that you cannot choose your own colour and wall patterns with this version.
• The "Design Your Own": ...What should be the standard option. It gives you the basic penthouse and allows you to choose which addons and customizations you want, with an extra cost for each one, of course. Just get this one. You can also renovate this option later, allowing you to purchase more addons and change your customizations later.

What do the Penthouse Addons do?

• Lounge Area: Allows you to purchase the other Penthouse Addons (except for the Extra Bedroom and Garage, which are the only items addons that can be purchased without a Lounge).
• Media Room: You know the cinemas around Los Santos? The ones that play a few 5 minute animated films on repeat? That, but in a Penthouse.
• Spa: Gives you access to a hot tub and a Personal Stylist. The Stylist's services are the same as the ones spread around Los Santos (hair, contacts, and make up), but they're all free.
• Bar and Party Hub: Allows you to consume drinks that instantly intoxicate your character, along with access to special arcade games that aren't available anywhere else in the game.
• Private Dealer: Allows you to play gambling games in your penthouse.
• Office: Adds a standard computer, a Gun Locker, and a money vault (don't get excited, it's just aesthetic).
• Extra Bedroom: Bedrooms in owned properties in GTA Online are used as spawn points, so why can you pay to have an extra one? Because you can now allow a friend of yours to claim it! The Extra Bedroom allows a friend of yours to use your penthouse as a spawn apparently, though the exact implementation of this is not completely clear.
• Garage: Access to the Penthouse's garage bay.

How do I get the armored car?

• To recieve the Enus Paragon R (Armoured), you have to complete the Diamond Casino's mission series, which you must own a penthouse to access. Once of the missions are complete, you'll be given the vehicle for free! But remember, it's uninsured and you only get it once, so immediately go into passive mode and take it to the nearest Los Santos Customs to insure it, or else you could lose the vehicle permanently.

Passive Mode

Good news, passive mode has been fixed!

• Passive Mode can now no longer be active when using a weaponized vehicle
• A Passive Mode cooldown of 2 minutes is now in place for players who have just killed another player
• Players now must wait 5 minutes before they can activate Passive Mode again after disabling it
• Players now must wait 30 seconds before they can disable Passive Mode after activating it

These changes make is so that grievers can no longer abuse passive mode, or at least no where near as easily. If you start to get the upper-hand on a griefer and destroy whatever death-machine they're using to troll you, or if you confront them in a death-machine of your own, they can't abuse Passive Mode to try to get the upper-hand on you!

Solo Session

Check the Mega Guide for ways to push yourself into a public Online session with no one else in it. Keep in mind that some missions and abilities are unavailable if there's no one else with you though!

Bugs and Glitches

• Apparently on PS4 and Xbox One, you must have full size of GTA V available to download the update, so if you have less than ~60GB free, you may have trouble downloading the update. This does not mean that the entire game is re-downloaded, it just means that the update may not download if you don't have that much space available.

Credits

Special Thanks: u/Rebored_Warrior - Sent me the official patch notes link!

• u/LordMcze - Information on countries that restrict players from gambling functions.

Alright here goes nothing...
The reason I’m making it is because I’ve been seeing so many casino wheel “glitches” get posted lately that can be a bit misleading which has led to a lot of confusion about everything. So I’m hoping this can be helpful both to people already part of the community that have been looking for info on this and people new to here. I’ll try my best to keep checking in on this post and expand upon it to make it more useful time provided.
For the mods: I have flaired this as a PSA as although I go over the glitches/methods again, the main goal of this post is to provide more clarity regarding everything. I’ll be more than happy to change anything that needs changing.
So for everyone interested in winning the podium vehicle here’s everything you need to know:
——The unlimited spin “glitch” itself——

• Restarting the game when you see you haven’t landed on the podium vehicle will let you spin again. You can do this as many times as you need to before you win the vehicle. If you have the penthouse make it your spawn location and if you don’t then when you go into the casino set your spawn location to last location and then change your outfit to force a save before you spin the wheel. Also when you restart the game load into single player > online > invite only, it’ll be faster than loading straight into online. This works 100% of the time across all platforms.
  
• I don’t play on PC but a lot of people have alternatives involving messing with the internet connection that can shave a bit of time off the whole process. [I’ll put a link here for the PC players later when I get the chance; I’m sure there’ll also be plenty of PC players happy to help out in this regard in the comments in the meantime]
  
• While not quite as quick as some of the PC methods regarding messing with the connection, on console you also have the option of using an Ethernet cable and unplugging it and plugging it back in. This should kick you out to single player and you can load back into online and repeat the process until you get the car. If you play in a set up where this is convenient enough it’s faster than restarting the game altogether.
  

—— Increasing your odds of winning the vehicle——

• The biggest issue I have with wheel glitch posts is that often times they often times will lead people to believe they have cracked the code to guaranteeing a win. The truth is that there is no perfect timing that will make you win the vehicle every time. Every post I’ve seen about it has some different specific time claimed. People have tried to use macros to figure out a perfect timing and so far no proven time has been found, let alone from someone using a phone stopwatch. The wheel will always be a game of chance.

When it comes to timing methods all they’re going to do is provide a degree of boost to consistency but not to the level some people would have you believe. Also if you’re going to try this make sure you load into invite only sessions as you will always get a fresh wheel (i.e. the wheel is set to its natural starting position). The wheel is still inherently random but because using these methods causes the wheel to spin at a slower and more consistent pace it is always drawn to land in a smaller range around the podium vehicle. So while there’s still always going to be some level of toss up regarding where it lands, you are limiting the options of where the wheel can decide to land. I don’t know how the wheel is programmed so I can’t say for certain how much of a boost to your odds this provides - in essence I don’t know for certain if it just goes straight from 1 in 20 odds to something like 1 in 6 odds and from what I’ve experienced and seen it doesn’t seem to provide a boost as substantial as that. If anything the biggest boost it provides is a mental boost as you feel much closer to winning it with every spin since if you don’t hit it always lands near the vehicle so it reduces the feeling that you’re banging your head into the wall praying to rngesus it will land on the vehicle and not clothing on the other side of the wheel for the 15th time in a row. Feeling like there’s less chance involved makes it a lot less stressful. Anyways, the sweet spots are as follows:

• Between 2.5 seconds and 3 seconds. Press S/move the thumbstick from 9 o’clock to 6 o’clock counterclockwise. The wheel will spin slower but make a full rotation before ending in a smaller range around the podium vehicle.
  
• After ~4 seconds. Press S/move the thumbstick and the wheel will spin extremely slow, not even making a full rotation, and come to a stop in a smaller range around the podium vehicle.
  

At the end of the day a lot of people have different opinions on the wheel that they throw around as fact when much of it largely stems from bias. For example, earlier I saw someone claim 4.18s was the exact time you need to spin the wheel to win. It’s not. Not only does that contradict the fifty other posts I saw claiming a perfect time but also just because you spun the wheel 10 times after 4 seconds and it finally landed on the vehicle at 4.18s doesn’t mean it’s going to be the same for everyone else. If the wheel had a perfect time to spin then why would your perfect time suddenly be different the next week? They’re not changing how it works every week - if they were going to do anything to it they’d make it so that it does the full rapid spin no matter how long you wait before spinning. Hell for all we know the varying spin strength was intentional on rockstars part to mimic the people who get all cheeky like that at prize wheels in real life. I mean if there was actually a perfect time to spin the wheel stemming from the weaker wheel spins there’s no doubt rockstar would’ve removed that from the wheel. Outside of glitches involving restarting the game which they can do little about, rockstar makes glitches that would threaten shark card sales a top priority. Yes, the live team working on GTA online is smaller right now (with most assets diverted to the next update and GTA VI no doubt) and they’re operating remotely so they’re running a little bit slower than usual in that regard (ex. The vending machine dupe received no attempt at being patched last week) but this is something that’s been around for a long time and if there actually was a perfect time to spin the wheel that guaranteed the podium vehicle every time that would surely fall under the umbrella of a shark card threatening glitch.
Anyways, apologies for veering off into a bit of a rant there. It’s just frustrating to see the sub get spammed with clickbait posts regarding the podium vehicle every week and then seeing the amount of inevitably confused or disappointed people in the comments. Sometimes the comments themselves can add to the problem as people who try it and do win are more inclined to come back and say “hey thanks it worked for me” and then try to give the people commenting saying it didn’t work advice when it’s all just confirmation bias. Hope I was able to clear up a lot of the misinformation out there and also provide some decent instructions on what to do.
Tl;dr - There’s no perfect time to spin the wheel. You can spin as many times as you want. There are a couple times to spin that can boost consistency of wins. Biggest benefit is mental. Instructions above.
Edit: Unsurprisingly I’ve seen some comments come in saying “4 second method works for me every time” or “you just need a specific momentum” without substantial evidence to back up their claims. So a quick rebuttal:

• There will always be outliers and people that go on winning streaks. Since the wheel came I’ve had a handful of times where I went on a winning streak for a few weeks and it’s easy to start thinking “hey maybe I’m onto something here”. But there’s 2 issues here

A) It’s physically impossible that I’m spinning the wheel down to the exact same hundredth of a second every week.
B) On both my accounts I’ve had 2 occasions where the winning streaks had no relation to using any timing methods. Like I said, the timing methods almost certainly do provide a boost to some degree to your odds of winning the vehicle so it’s no surprise that there will be more occasions where people enjoy a lucky streak. But based on available evidence it is safe to say the boost is not substantial enough to not make the people that enjoy this fall into the category of extreme outliers. Additionally, most of the people that comment this mysteriously go quiet or pop back up with a different claim after their luck runs out and they’re suddenly not winning it every time. If you ask later the more stubborn ones will say “oh something must’ve been changed or it was patched”.

• In regards to claims that you “just need a specific momentum” this just isn’t feasible. Humans can train themselves to very precisely repeat tasks through muscle memory but there’s always going to be a level of human error and unless you’ve practiced moving the thumbstick from a specific position with a highly specific amount of force 10,000 times these claims really hold no weight and this idea can be best summed up to a placebo effect + confirmation bias. Also if this were a thing you couldn’t call it a “glitch” lmao. If anything it would be a skill. That’s like claiming to have a glitch to get the max score at the shooting range and then your instructions are “if you get the right momentum you can hit every single headshot”.

It’s great if you’re having good luck on the wheel, but leaving a comment claiming that your way of doing one of the timing methods is the actual sure fire way of doing it is only adding to the wealth of conflicting information out there given how many different posts there are already claiming some variation of the same thing while also proving what I was saying in my post. If you disagree and you’re sure that your method is actually the right way to do it then I would implore you to add evidence to your claim and bring some more substance to your argument. I honestly hope I’m proven wrong - it would be awesome to have a way to win the vehicle without ever having to restart the game - but so far I’m just seeing the same empty claims that have led to so much confusion about it all in the first place.
Now if you have a creative method that you think works and expands upon the timing method beyond just claiming a different specific time or force of movement for the thumbstick I’d love to hear it and test it out.

Guys if you are not following this guy already, then make sure you are following he is probably the most credible source out there: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCqA4Bpg0OP9XZJGNp448Viw
Here is the youtube tutorial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8Sq5J--b4k
​
REQUIREMENTS:
-Make sure you have a couple million in chips (the more the better)
-A friend
TUTORIAL:
Step 1: Make your friend go over to story mode and make him go to GTA Online and make him start up a SOLO SESSION. Once he is in make him start up any stunt race and have him wait in it
Step 2: Now do the SP to MP glitch (here is the link to the other Reddit post so shout out to XDGyt) https://www.reddit.com/gtaglitches/comments/en6z64/sp_to_mp_glitch_2020_ps4_semisolo_possibly_works/
Step 3: Now that you have your story mode character in multiplayer, go over to where the casino would be. You will either see the Diamond Casino from multiplayer or the Original Casino from Single Player. If you see the Diamond Casino ignore the next 2 steps.
Step 4: Find a new session. You should spawn back as your normal Multiplayer character. Hold down on the D-pad and select the Singleplayer character that you managed to glitch into Multiplayer. For ObeseGiraffe it was Franklin so he selected Franklin.
Step 5: You will get a notification when you switch back to your Singleplayer character saying "Do you want to quit the session" and make sure you decline it by pressing CIRCLE or B. Now when you load back up you should see the Diamond Casino
Step 6: Now go over inside the Casino and go to the chip trader and trade in one chip to make sure your chips are frozen. So when you trade in the 1 chip your chips should not move but your money will increase by 1. If it does restart the glitch again
Step 7: Now select all of your chips and start spamming the button to trade them in. If you had $1,000,000 chips then you would be getting $1,000,000 in cash every time you press "Trade-In Chips"
Step 8: WHEN YOU ARE DONE, buy a free Elegy RH8 or any cheap car and wait for the orange save circle in the bottom right of your screen. Once you see the orange circle go away just restart the application to confirm the money is still there.
​
Obese Giraffe said that you can get up to $30,000,000 per second if you do it with $10,000,000 chips.
He is honestly such a good YouTuber and I am sure most of you are following him but if you aren't then you can check him out here:
​
I hope you guys make enough money to retire from Gta money glitches completely.

I'm probably the only one that thinks this because everybody else here probably has more than 10,000 hours of gameplay and can wipe any player out of existence just by farting on their controller (not an insult btw, kudos to you guys), but I wish I could go online and mind my own business without some little Timmy running me over with his new casino car with money wheels he just wheel glitched for 10 hours for, or some high level no-life blowing my car up as I drive by because he has nothing better to do in the game. And the Oppressors... We all know about those already.
Obviously PVP is inevitable, and is even encouraged by the game with bounties, king of the hill, the lobby messages telling the entire fucking world about how you're transporting goods and actually playing their game, all that stuff. But aside from that, I can't wrap my head around why I personally would want to kill some random player that's doing nothing but driving somewhere, or trying to make progress.
I acknowledge the fact that I'm probably completely wrong. I sound like a wimpy bitch and I seem like I'm insisting that a game that literally has a crime as the title should be a virtual world of utopia that we should all just get along within. Truth is, it's motherfucking GTA. Obviously Rockstar expected and motivates kids and adults alike to play like this, and they should! It would be a cardinal sin if players could only circle jerk and compliment each other's penises in a GTA game. But sometimes I feel like way too many players take way too much of an advantage of the PVP function. Like the people that fly all the way across the map just to shoot a giant turbo dildo at you right after you spawn, or the people that camp outside of Los Santos Customs just to blow your car up the moment you leave, as if there's some reward afterwards for them. As if them going out of their way to chase a player across the map to kill them makes their cumshots a foot longer. On top of that, it doesn't do anything catastrophic to the player they're killing. So why would anyone find it satisfying? That player can just respawn, call Mors if they need to, and go back to whatever they were doing. That is, if he isn't getting killed over and over again by some braindead loser that impulsively just jerked off to the loading screen before jerking off again to Princess Robot Bubblegum.
That leads on to one of five arguments that I'm sure will be brought up in response to this hefty block of text that could be used to build a castle.
1: "Well, you fucking idiot, if getting killed doesn't affect you, why bitch and complain about it on Reddit?"
While that is a valid argument, getting killed every single time you're within a 3 mile radius of a player gets annoying. Getting killed once? Fine. Whatever. But it's getting killed again, and again, and again, for as long as you're online that gets annoying. It keeps me from actually playing, which is kind of counter intuitive for a video game.
2: "Just go in passive mode if you really can't put up a fight."
What if I wanna do CEO missions? What if players use a work-around to kill me? I don't wanna have to turn on a special setting because some retard is smacking their balls on my face constantly. Not only that, but I HAVE to get killed in order to even turn that on in the first place.
3: "Looks like someone hasn't heard of creating a private lobby with DNS settings."
I have. And I've done it multiple times. It feels disgusting and it's a tedious wait, but it was the only way I could play the game when I first started. But I'm not gonna make a private lobby just to go to the casino and collect my daily prize, and the fact that I have to make a private lobby every single time I wanna progress shows how corrupt these braindead players are. Or maybe it shows how much of a pussy I am. I'm not sure!
4: "Stop crying and fight back instead you fucking noob."
You see, sometimes I can if they're respectable about their weapon choice and their play style. But every time I try, they either pull out a bigger, OP weapon like an indestructible titanium brick of a tank, go in passive mode after I kill them once, or run away. Which shows that they're not looking for a fight. They're just looking for easy kills. They're fucking pathetic. I'm not gonna waste my time getting revenge on people that play like that. If I wanted to kill players, I'd play Call of Duty. I don't log on to GTA to fight players, let alone players that don't have the decency to give you the slightest chance to fight back. Bigger guns equals bigger dicks in GTA, I guess.
"You know you can vote to kick, right?"
It takes a number of players to actually get a player kicked unless he's killing EVERYONE and is collectively hated by each one of them. It's not worth kicking instead of finding a new lobby, which is also annoying, but less time consuming most of the time.
Now I've seen arguments here and there about how grievers make the game less fun, and I see a lot of people agree with it. What I find weird is how so many GTA players hate grievers when, in majority, GTA players ARE grievers. I think there might've been two or three times out of my hundreds of login days that I ran into another player that didn't immediately shove bullets up my ass. Where are all of the grievers that would disagree about grievers ruining the game? Are they still too young to use the internet without their parent's permission? Am I just not looking for them?
I know there's probably been plenty of rants about this topic here on this subreddit, and while my account may have been made 5 years ago, I only really started using this site last month, and I'm not in on the loop. You guys are probably sick of seeing people here complain about the same old shit, and to that I am genuinely sorry. But I've always wanted answers to this question because I think about it everytime I log on, alongside the thought of whether I'm gonna spawn right under an Oppressor or not.
With that being said, does anyone agree with me? Am I the odd one out? Am I just blowing this way out of proportion? Am I just sensitive? Does anyone else just leave people alone with no interest in killing and wish they could have the favor returned? Even if you don't, I wanna hear from non grievers about their thoughts on the topic.
And to all of you grievers that might be reading this (assuming you have the attention span to read a couple hundred words) I have a genuine question. What makes grieving fun? What fun is there in killing random players that aren't even acknowledging your existence or doing anything harmful to other players? Do you just want attention? Does it make you feel good at the game? Does it fill that deep hole in your chest that other grievers dug? I'm genuinely curious to see if there's an answer that doesn't involve a K/D ratio, because stats don't matter in this game.
Sorry for the long read. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Xbox and PS4
That's right, there's already a new Off the Radar glitch that works for this dupe!
I average one dupe every minute to 1 minute 20 seconds. The long setup isn't too difficult, and the result is extremely rewarding.
Credit to Obese Giraffe. Video
Requirements for Duper: - MOC with Personal Vehicle Storage - Garage (I know that the arcade and arena work for sure) - Car to Dupe - Motorcycle Club - Lots of Cheap Bikes, none in the Clubhouse
Requirements for Helper: - Eclipse Towers apartment with styles - Heist accessible through the heist room in said apartment - Casino Penthouse with a car in the garage
Phase 1, Off the Radar:

1. Go to an Invite-Only session.
   
2. Helper sets spawn to Eclipse Towers garage.
   
3. They go to their heist room.
   
4. Helper goes into the pause menu, and hovers over Criminal Enterprise Starter Pack.
   
5. They press and hold both A and Start (X and the Pause button on PS4), then release A slightly before Start. It's about a quarter second in between.
   
6. Helper should be able to open their interaction menu with the Starter Pack on their screen. If not, back out and redo steps 4 and 5.
   
7. Helper interacts with the heist board while the Criminal Enterprise Starter Pack is still up.
   
8. They press Y (Triangle) to close the Pack, and should be able to open the interaction menu on the heist board.
   
9. They keep previewing styles until they don't get a black screen, and then they leave the heist board. They shouldn't have a minimap.
   

(If the interaction menu doesn't stay open, or they still have a minimap, they will have to rejoin the session.)

1. Duper makes sure jobs are visible on their map, then hosts one next to the casino. Helper joins them, and the Duper kicks them from the job.
   
2. Helper should be on the ground. If they can open their weapon wheel and sprint it means the glitch needs to be restarted. If they get a phone call, it immediately breaks it, as well.
   
3. Helper walks to the Casino, and enters it. They go over to the desk and request a car from the Valet. Choose one from their penthouse garage, but don't click to request it just yet.
   
4. Duper starts a job near the garage you are duping at, then Helper clicks to request the car. They wait a couple seconds on the black screen, until the white loading symbol appears in the botton right.
   
5. Helper joins the job, but will not load in, and will instead be frozen on the ground.
   
6. Duper leaves the job, and then hosts a Titan of a Job.
   
7. Helper joins Duper, but does not accept any of the alerts. When the Helper's join alert shows up, the Duper leaves the job.
   
8. When the Duper is back on the street, the Helper accepts all of the join alerts, and they will be placed on the street. If the Duper can't see the Helper on the map, the glitch worked.
   

Phase 2, Setting Up the Dupe:

1. Duper parks their MOC across the street from their garage.
   
2. Helper stands nearby.
   
3. Duper has their car they want to dupe in their garage.
   
4. Duper registers as MC President.
   

Phase 3, The Dupe Loop:
Repeat this part over and over for loads of dupes.

1. Helper gets into a personal vehicle owned by the Duper.

(Can be a dupe from the MOC, or just a random bike, etc.)

1. Duper runs to their garage entrance, far enough from the Helper that they can request a new bike.
   
2. Duper requests a bike that they want to be duped over.
   
3. Duper goes into garage and drives out the car to dupe.
   
4. Helper gets out of the vehicle they are in, and it should disappear. The car the Duper is in is now a dupe, and it has the plates of the bike that it replaced.
   
5. Put the dupe in the MOC. Drive it out and give it to the Helper for Step 1 of Phase 3.
   

Finally, some info!
I'll divide this into details from the trailer and details from the site (there's a lot of the latter), with a few bits of speculation thrown in (I'll make it clear which details are confirmed and which are just mine though):
The trailer (in roughly the order of appearance):

• It starts with the Goro tries to kill Joker scene, but Joker has a flashback/ vision partway through to a frozen in time street, where he hears a girl's voice through a static television (the new girl, Kasumi's)? This could just be a clever edit for the sake of the trailer, but I think there will be a new ending and this will play into it (more on that later).
  • Edit 5: According to u/Monsieur_Valjean, her dialogue is "私が夢を奪ったんです" (Watashi ga yume wo ubattan desu), which translates to either:
    • (If spoken informally:) I stole/took away my dream.
    • (If spoken informally:) I took away your dream.
    • Edit 7: The trailer has been translated and the translation used is "I took away all their dreams." (*5)
  • The latter could either be benevolent (since she pulled Joker away from his confrontation with Akechi), or something more sinister. (*3)
• Joker's grappling hook from Smash is now in the game (or rather, it made an early appearance in Smash) and has changed the Palaces to suit it. For example there's now a new puzzle involving kicking a giant Kamoshida statue in the mouth to open a door (perhaps the statue and door in the gym?) Okumura's Palace also has a point where you use the hook on a moving platform to reach a new area.
  • Incidentally, this probably means the rope you use to get into Madarame's Palace will be replaced with said grappling hook, or maybe entering his Palace will be changed entirely?
  • Edit 5: Many of you have pointed out that Joker always had the grappling hook, but he only used it in menu transitions. Thank you, all!
  • Edit 19: Assuming this trailer is also for newcomers to P5, showing off the first dungeon in the game makes sense - there's not much to spoil, but why Okumura's Palace - and why just a single scene? Note that the scene shows Joker being carried somewhere by a small platform through space. Is this a sign that the infamous airlock puzzle has been cut, with the team using grappling hooks to traverse those areas instead?
• Edit 12: There's a cutscene with Joker seeing Kasumi outside and the two greeting each other. I didn't think it was worth mentioning before, but this does confirm that the two have some rapport before she's roped into the Phantom Thieves business/ when they're away from the other Thieves. But Morgana's poking out of Joker's bag when he smiles at her and makes no effort to hide himself - does this mean she already knows about him (and thus the Metaverse and Joker's double life)? Or does she simply think Joker smuggles his cat to school? At least she doesn't consider him a threat like everyone else!
  • This could either be because he helped her out (more on this soon) or because she simply doesn't believe/ care about the rumours surrounding him (like Shiho)...but maybe it's because she knows more about his situation (and Shido and/ or his Metaverse dealings) than she lets on?
• There is a new location in the game (more on this later), home to a variety of hangout locations including a darts board and aquarium.
  • Edit 15: Thanks to MysticDistance, we see that the train transition now includes a backdrop of Shibuya through the train's windows! What an awesome little detail to add!
• There's now a counsellor working at the school, though there's more info on him on the site so I'll address him there.
• Edit 13: We see a silhouette on the TV screen from the start of the trailer, and Joker seems to recognise it. While it's of course hard to judge the identity of a silhouette, it does have a slim figure and a rounded head, much like the hair of our new Thief...
  • Edit 17: Here's a better shot at the figure. While Kasumi's uniform gives her the appearance of having broad shoulders, the silhouette doesn't look too much like her. While there's still a chance it is her, here's my speculation from that post:

Those shoulders look too broad to be Kasumi's (and doesn't seem to have long hair or a ponytail), but they have hair so can't be Shido. But those are definitely seams on the edges of the shoulders...it's Takuto, isn't it?
Maybe Kasumi talks first and Takuto hijacks the message and/ or kidnaps or attacks her while she's delivering it? Maybe they're the same person under different personas personalities? Atlus has done weirder stuff!

• Futaba has an AOA now!
  • Edit 11: If you look closely, she's thrown out of the bomb when it goes off, heading towards the right side of the screen (where the Phantom Thieves always pose at the end of their respective AOAs). She can't catch a break!
• Unison Attacks from P4G make a return! Think of these as mini-AOAs featuring pairs of Phantom Thieves. The examples in this trailer are Haru/ Morgana and Ryuji/ Makoto.
• New story events! There appears to be a sports-day event that Makoto is overseeing. Joker also steps in to save Kasumi from a creep - presumably on his way back from the aforementioned event since he's still in his sports clothes.
  • Edit 18: There's a new option in cutscenes like this. While "Skip" is still mapped to Options, Square is now "Auto-Advance" and the Log has been moved to L3. This'll be really useful for those cutscenes that auto-advanced by default despite being unvoiced in the core game, those always bugged me (especially since you couldn't predict when they'd occur so going to the menu between cutscenes was always a waste of time).
• We see Kasumi in the Metaverse, followed by more scenes of the new location, Kichijoji, where we can hang out with the full PT group at once instead of hanging out one at a time (at least in the darts/ pool area). Kasumi isn't here though, which suggests she joins the group last (or that she is simply unavailable at this point of the story).
  • Edit 16: Note that Makoto has just thrown a dart right before we see Joker do the same. Is this part of a cutscene (story or otherwise) or does this mean we'll get to compete here against the other Thieves; maybe even as sub-teams?
• We see Kasumi in action, scoring a Critical Hit to boot! She wields a rapier and...I can't tell if it's a pistol or a sawn-off shotgun, but I can tell that it is fan-cy!
  • Edit 2: Thank you, u/Enzo-Unversed for pointing out that Kasumi isn't using a rapier. I did some further research and it looks like she uses an estoc, which is a narrow blade used for thrusting as she does in the trailer. The example on Wikipedia has a curved hilt while Kasumi's has a straight hilt, but I don't know if that means anything for estoc-kind.
  • Edit 2: u/AvatarWanderful identifies her gun as a lever-action rifle. I initially thought it was a hunting rifle before seeing its length, but that fits the description! And I still think the engraving is really neat!
• We get some scenes of the Thieves in a new crumbling place in the Metaverse, interrupted by a scene of Kasumi dancing in front of a crowd hard enough to work up a sweat (more on this later)*, ending with Joker falling off of whatever he's holding on into what appears to be a floating staircase. This looks an awful lot like the stairs in the background of the Velvet Room in PQ to me and, coupled with the blue hue to everything, makes me think the new Palace will be related to the ol' VR in some way. Maybe we change Igo Yaldabaoth's heart directly?
  • * Edit 18: Could this be how we first see Kasumi? It uses a lot of dynamic camera angles and plays up the mystery of who she is, so perhaps this is her first appearance and we later meet her "for real" after the sports day incident mentioned above. Also, if she's already showing her skills and drawing a crowd, does this mean Kamoshida has his sights set on her this time around? We know how he gets when someone threatens his volleyball team, and he's no stranger to blackmailing female students. He may still be messing with Ann, but why not Kasumi as well? What's an extra year in difference to him?
• Edit 7: The start of the above scene features a shot of Haru inside Morgana. More importantly though, is the bottom right of the image. You may have assumed it was Makoto driving, but her arms don't have stripes like that! Thank you, u/quitethewaysaway, for pointing out that Goro is still with the party at this point in his Loki attire!
  • Edit 20: A small detail, but this may mean we can buy equipment for Goro now, as well as access The Hero with a Bow, the book on Robin Hood we would have gotten from the library when he joined but was removed from the final release. This is in addition to Kasumi's equipment and book of course, unless she's the one to miss out this time. Which would be suspicious now that we know why Goro didn't get a book or weapons! (Also, it'll be interesting to see how their weapons are categorised, since both use swords.)
• Edit 16: As many have noted the trailer bares a striking resemblance to Into The Spider-Verse's intro, with the various logos and box art "glitching" into alternate versions as they appear - could this be another hint that the characters enter into separate "dream" worlds at some point in the game? Maybe even multiple times?

Edit 8: I wrote another post analysing the English fan-translation of the trailer, including some further speculation about Gnostic influences. Please check it out too if you have the time!
The website:
There's a ton of stuff here, as I said before!

• Edit 5: Again from u/Monsieur_Valjean, the text below the shot of Joker at the top of the page ends with "arata na kyoteki," meaning "new powerful/ultimate/grand enemy," which again hints at a new villain and thus new Palace to beat.

From the opening "reel" of screenshots:

• The box art: Goro looks much more sinister here than he did on the base cover, which makes me wonder if his betrayal is more...upfront this time around.
• There's an event with Ren, Kasumi and Goro at a french cafe. This could be part of one or both of their Confidants, which makes me wonder when this happens - after all, Goro's only part of the team for a month and this makes you wonder when Kasumi joins. (*1)
  • Edit 15: Thanks to a translation by MysticDistance, we know that Akechi's line is "Say, Kasumi-san, what's your opinion on things regarding the Phantom Thieves?" Isn't this exactly what he asked her in the teaser trailer?
  • Edit 18: Given what happens later on, this question couldn't work in the later stages of the game due to how the story progresses (and would be utterly impossible due to Goro's situation near the end, whether he survives this time around or not). And because Kasumi's answer was important enough to be the basis of the teaser and seems important to her character, I don't think it's something wed be able to miss. In other words, I believe this to be a fixed event in the story. (It may also confirm that she isn't a founding member of the Thieves, though she may also be lying to throw Akechi off...in which case it'd be interesting if she's telling the truth about her lack of faith in the Thieves while being one herself, especially with her leader and possible love interest right beside her!)
• Kamoshida in boss form now has Mishima as a lackey instead of the masked students he had before.
  • Edit 15: Thanks to the same tweet as above, we know Kamoshida is saying "You're too slow, Mishima! You simpleminded fool!" Which seems to confirm Mishima is his new lackey in this boss and that he'll speak directly to his minions. Also note the "warped" text box: does this change affect all Shadows, Bosses or just in-combat dialogue? And if the latter, will there also be UI changes for when your own allies comment on the battle or when you issue commands?
• Another image confirms that there is a sporting event at Inokashira Park where Joker hands something back to Kasumi. (Possibly something she dropped while being harrassed?)
  • Edit 6: u/FrozenKlondyke suggests this could be her student ID and that this is when she and Joker first meet (properly, at least) since she's introducing herself as a first-year here (you can see the 1 in her speech bubble too).
  • Edit 15: As pointed out in this tweet chain, it's a nice bit of characterisation that Joker is still willing to help out a girl being harassed despite what happened the last time he tried. D'aww...
• There's a cutscene featuring the girls in kimonos, but more on that later (also, it seems there are a LOT of new cutscenes in Royal!) The next image is very suspicious as it features Futaba sitting with someone who looks very like her mother. Even Joker - in a new winter outfit (again, more on that later) - is confused! Maybe Wakaba is only in a coma or something this time around? Could this be tied to Futaba & Sojiro's Confidants a la Chidori in P3? Or a "true" ending?

Section 1: Kasumi Yoshizawa and Takuto Maruki:

• Kasumi is a skilled gymnast. She's been great at it even since junior school, so Shujin has high hopes for her. She also joined at the same time as Joker (she is a first year, after all), which is probably how Kamoshida hasn't gotten his claws on her yet. This explains why her outfit is basically a gymnast's uniform plus a jacket (besides just fanservice) and her dancing to a large crowd in the trailer. The sharp mask and flower on the other side of her sheath are nice touches though~ (*4)
  • The first Kasumi screenshot seems to confirm the ability to have lunches with your friends at school. For those who don't know, this was an intended feature in the base game but removed (though removed late enough that the necessary files are still in the game). You could also have lunch with Kawakami - and anyone else who went to Shujin really, which of course now includes Kasumi (but not Futaba or Yusuke :/)!
  • Edit 1: The site also describes her as being key to the plot, so chances are she is indeed the voice from the start of the trailer and it does indeed tie into a new ending.
  • As u/icecreamsnow pointed out here, her being a gymnast may be why her cosplayer did a ribbon dance at the end of today's concert.
    • Edit 10: On both days, her cosplayer ends with a nervous look on her face before looking around and smiling. She did the exact same thing twice, so could this be a hint towards Kasumi's own personality? Is she shy despite her talent, and will we see this after her dance from the trailer?
  • Edit 3: In addition to being an epic shot of Kasumi in action (her black outfit goes really well with her red hair and eyes!) This shot also shows a new location in the Casino Palace. I'm confident in saying it's the Casino Palace because of the dice and enemy design, but this looks to be some sort of storage room? Almost like the backstage of a performance hall!
    • Edit 14: Also, there being enemies behind her - in Shadow forms at that - leads me to believe this is a cutscene. Note that her pose is different from when she performed a Critical Attack in the trailer; her gun is on her shoulder instead of her firing yet and her feet are in a different position. It's an amazing pose all the same, of course! And it really highlights the frills on her sleeves\~
    • Edit 19: But this begs the question: why is she the focus of a cutscene at this point, and such an action-packed cutscene at that? Could this be how she makes her appearance, already having her Persona and Thief outfit? It'd support the evidence that she's one of the last members to join the team and the suggestions that she has her own motives for joining the Thieves if she can already fight and hold her own in the Metaverse before meeting them. It'd double as a nice parallel to Haru and Akechi, who also join partway through a dungeon and are already capable of fighting respectively. Also, her fighting "guards" in the middle or end of the Casino for her debut would also parallel Joker fighting multiple guards in a cutscene in the prologue/ end of the Casino as his debut. Of course, this in turn means the shot of Kasumi in a blue room would have to come from the end of the game OR as a flashback to whenever she got her Persona and whatever event shaped who she is today.
    • Edit 20: Following from the above paragraph, she does seem awfully confident with her rifle to just sling it over her shoulder single-handed like that. Granted, every Thief is an instant expert with their weapons, but something about this seems especially proficient. Maybe it's just the leathe epicness of the scene and her outfit.
    • Edit 20: Regardless of if this is Kasumi's introduction and whether she's an adversary or if this is just a cool moment for her in a cutscene, let's go back to the reasoning of this being some sort of storage room - why are we here? In the core game we had to "un-cheat" in the Casino's games. Could this be related to one of those? If so, will there be a reworking of the two games we directly interfere with (i.e. the first two), or will we get to fix the second two games this time around - for example, are we currently on our way to/ back from fixing the lights from the Dark Room challenge? And all of this hinges on: are those games still in the Palace? Or have they been removed/ replaced completely, and this room is something completely unrelated to them or tied to (fixing) a new game?
  • Edit 18: I couldn't find this information for myself on the site or magazine, but a lot of people have talked about this so it's highly likely I just missed it. Anyway, this tweet (again from Mystic) elaborates on her bio, adding that she's also a transfer student (this part I still have doubts about) and despite joining the Thieves has her own motives (more on this later on and in my follow up post). The second tweet also states that she "holds Ren in high regard" despite her opinion of the Thieves. Perhaps this is why her Thief outfit is so similar to his; without even seeing Joker her psyche was affected by Ren's ideologies enough that her image of rebellion changed match his? Or is she fond of him because they were already similar despite their ideologies?
• Takuto is a new Confidant and comes in as a counsellor for students after Kamoshida's confession. As the trailer shows, there are voiced scenes for him interacting with Ann without Joker needing to be around, so I assume he works similarly to the confessional in the base game. He has the Consultant Arcana which doesn't exist in the standard or Thoth set, but the number is 1, meaning he's a renamed Magus (like how Hunger from P4G was a renamed Lust). This makes sense, since the Magician (the basis for the Magus Arcana) is meant to be the Fool's guide/ first ally on his journey to the World.
  • Edit 15: For those thinking her may be evil, the Consultant Arcana depicts people thanking/ worshipping the sun. This could be seen as a good sign of his trustworthiness, but also a sign of his intent to control people. Also note how the people above him are falling or look scared. Another hint at his true intentions?

Section 2:

• This says we'll be able to experience the third semester of the year that we couldn't in the base game. The second screenshot supports this by showing Joker (in his winter jacket), celebrating with the PTs (including Kasumi but not Goro) on Jan 1st, despite being arrested the previous week. However, the first shot shows a boy with blue eyes but otherwise similar appearance to him. I guess Morgana got his wish after all! He's not in the group shot though - maybe he takes the fall in Joker's place? Seems harsh to just celebrate without him though... (*2)
  • Edit 3: Persona Central's translation states that the new boy speaks in a familiar way and uses the first person pronoun "wagahai," which I think is what Morgana uses (any help from Japanese speakers will be greatly appreciated)!
  • Edit 4: Thanks to u/Elisianthus, u/shabonsong and u/Kulzak-Draak for the translation! The boy is named Ikemen (meaning "pretty boy") and says:

And now Lady Ann and I will finally... happy cat noises

• Edit 5.5: On the topic of the mysterious boy, note that he wears a black jacket (like Morgana's fur), white trousers (like the pads of his feet) and wears a yellow necklace (like Morgana's scarf). It has to be him! The only question now is whether the change happens as part of the story or as a result of completing his Confidant, and thus if his Confidant is optional now.

In any case, this confirms a "Golden" ending where Joker doesn't need to turn himself in to ensure Shido gets punished. Maybe this involves the "vision" at the start of the trailer and getting Goro to confess on his behalf instead? Or maybe the Yaldabaoth situation is handled differently in such a way that gives Sae the evidence she needs to convict him (assuming the bonus dungeon is in fact the Velvet Room)?
Edit 1: But this also begs the question: what will we do in those three months? Will the Metaverse survive the final boss this time around, or will the last three months be purely for social stats and Confidants? Will at least Mementos survive, so we can complete Confidants, or will they be re-written (by default or after the end of the game) so that Mementos won't be necessary for them?
Section 3:
This details the additions to the overworld and Metaverse.
School Life

• The new location, Kichijoji, "represents Tokyo" and is "a place where people of all ages and genders can enjoy themselves". [Note that there is a new icon on the minimap with an "i" in a yellow circle. Some sort of tourist guide?] Even in the trailer it looked huge! The darts stuff seems to be a collaboration with a real life company, Dart Live (This particular image seems to be taken after Madarame's Palace and features one of many examples of redone character art/ sprites!)
• The aquarium is confirmed to be a date spot (which is why we only see Joker with one other person there as opposed to a larger group at the darts/ pool place). There's also another amusement park here where he's seen with the twins, which also confirms...
• You can hangout with the twins! P3FES and P4G added hangout opportunities with Velvet Room residents, so it seems the pattern will continue here.
• There will now be extra text conversations based on group hangouts, complete with pictures. This also makes me think the subsets of PTs we hang out with will be fixed - the photos are prerendered, after all. Joker has a nice smile though.
  • Edit 18: MysticDistance pointed out that this selfie is taken from the buffet the founding members of the Thieves attend after dealing with Kamoshida. The table and outfits match and everyone's even sitting in the same positions they are in that scene, so I'm strongly inclined to agree!

Phantom Life

• Some enemies will now appear with a purple aura (similar to those that go berserk) and will be stronger than ordinary ones. They appear as soon as the first Palace it seems, which is an interesting way to keep new and old players on their toes.
• Something can happen in the Velvet Room which turns the place red, though no-one seems to notice.
  • Edit 3: Persona Central's translation states that the red light is part of the alarms going off, though what this means is still a mystery.
  • Edit 8: Since Goro seems to be sticking around, the alarm could be him joining as a fellow resident of the Room. Maybe even Kasumi (too), as suggested by some of you!
    • Edit 27: Remember how everyone gets limited access to the Wild Card because the P3 and P4 Heroes are in close proximity in PQ? What if everyone gets the Wild Card here for the same reason, wouldn't that be an amazing late-game boost for everyone, add a ton more complexity and nuance to team-building and give you a way to keep your favourite characters on your team? And what if having Kasumi around (Wild Card or not) means Joker and Goro keep their full potential instead of losing it like in PQ? What if having Kasumi around gives the three of them (or even the whole team) even more benefits, like a new evolution to their base Personas? I keep forgetting to add this one...
    • P.S. It'd also be interesting to spend the new semester in the Velvet Room with the door unlocked too. Maybe we'll be able to explore it and see the dungeons where everyone else gets imprisoned - if not even more? (Speaking of, while Goro may be arrested and feel like he deserves it to boot, will Kasumi? She's a mysterious one after all!)
• New items can appear in dungeons, on plinths that looks like they came straight out of the depths of Mementos.

Spec-Up

• There are new Network functionalities added, though what they are isn't explained. You can warp immediately to the hideout though, I'm looking forward to that! (Even if it isn't available in this particular screenshot...) Edit 18: Is the option unavailable because there's no Palace to infiltrate? If so, what about Mementos? Or is the Metaverse unavailable for story reasons (as it sometimes was in the core game)? But why so early on - is the reason related to the new story? By the way, I think it's safe to assume the Circle and X options will be swapped in the Western release - Japan often uses Circle for "Yes" and X for "No" in menus and worldwide releases almost always swap these around (e.g. in the base Persona 5 as well as in other games like Nier:Automata).
  • Edit 18: This tweet from MysticDistance explains that Co-op Assist and Status Assist represent your Confidant and Social Stats respectively (the Japanese version of the game uses "Cooperation" instead of "Confidant"). Given these are two menus you'll be visiting often throughout the game, especially on your first play through, having them accessible through a quick menu is a wonderful QoL change!
• Shoji Meguro and Lyn have done new work for the game, with the latter also singing new opening, ending and battle songs. Maybe we'll get a battle theme on the level of Rivers in the Desert!
• The game will be PS4 Pro enabled, meaning better graphics on that system. Also, the game is PS4 exclusive. Hopefully P5S will throw a bone to our Switch brethren!

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Edit 1: Thanks to the screenshot in this thread (thank you, u/ZuskatoIsR3D) we can see Kasumi's stats in relation to everyone else's. Her numbers are lower than the other three, though this could just mean she recently joined the group and needs to catch up, but her SP is less than half her HP. This could mean either:

• She's a melee/ gun-fighter. The latter would be interesting since we don't have one of those in the base roster (save Haru, but she's also the Psy character of the group so chances are you'll specialise her in one or the other field).
• She's P4G!Naoto levels of OP and the low SP count is to mitigate that.
• She's badly optimised OR that this is simply an early build of the game :P

The next batch on information will come on May 9th. However, there's also a talk show tomorrow with Joker's VA that was supposed to give P5R info, which makes me think tomorrow will just have a recap of today's stuff (along with info of an upgrade deal for existing owners, I hope).
Persona 5 Royal releases on Halloween in Japan and 2020 in the West (the English trailer also confirms the Western name drops the "The" in the Japanese title as many suspected, following P4G's example). 'til then, enjoy! I hope you found this useful!
Edit 4: Theories (marked with "(*X)" above):

1. It's possible that the meeting between Kasumi, Ren and Akechi is where we hear the dialogue from last month's trailer ("What do you think of the Phantom Thieves?") After all, them meeting at all means she isn't restricted to only meeting him at the TV station, and this gives her more time to form an opinion on how they work - at least until finding her way into the metaverse and seeing what they do and why.
2. u/TheReaperCreeper had a much better suggestion than me: what if Akechi is the one who turns himself in for Ren's sake? As another user of the Metaverse he can also answer questions about it to get Shido sentenced, while also paying for his own crimes. Better still, he could claim to be the leader of the Thieves to keep the law off everyone else's backs, thus getting to redeem himself while also being punished for the things he did. Thanks, Reaper!
3. I was going to say Kasumi may only be important because she was in the right place at the right time, but this certainly hints at a more supernatural cause if true.
4. u/hypercombofinish suggested Kasumi's Persona could be Dorothée, and since her outfit shares so many similarities to Joker's I think this is highly likely. For those who don't know, Dorothée is the lead character of the novel The Secret Tomb, the only Arsène Lupin book in which Arsène himself doesn't appear. Instead the plot is about Dorothée solving one of his "four fabulous secrets". This could be highly fitting for someone initially disagrees with the Thieves before becoming one herself and would also tie her into Joker's "mythology" the same way Marie and her backstory tied into Izanagi's (and thus Yu) - assuming Kasumi is the Aeon Arcana and not a Fool or Jester or something completely different, of course.
5. The trailer as a whole has a small narrative running about Kasumi trying to dissuade the Thieves from their work, while Morgana tells her they won't be swayed by the danger or not getting results. This provides some early insight into her character, but maybe she eventually goes off the deep end and tries to control everything as a way of keeping everyone safe? Morgana telling her that "granting everyone's dreams is bad" and her saying she "took everyone's dreams" is also quite interesting. Maybe Wakaba and human!Morgana are just illusions? I plan on making a full post about the translated trailer tomorrow, but this is just something to sleep on until then.

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(Just search for "Edit X" to see what each change entailed. Check the time stamp to see if I added anything you missed or want to correct!)
Edit 1: Just added a few tweaks based on stuff I've seen elsewhere on the sub and stuff I forgot to add the first time.
P.S. ...am I the only one who thinks Kasumi looks better in her school uniform? ^{Anyone? Maybe because I like clothed people and the pose shows her off better?}
Edit 2: Amended the descriptions of Kasumi's weapons.
Edit 3: Added a detail I overlooked the first time and clarifications from Persona Central's article. (Edit made at 16:53 UTC.)
Edit 4: Added translations for the new boy and a theory section, 17:31 UTC.
Edit 5: Added more translations, a correction about Joker's grappling hook and a new theory! 21:47 UTC.
Edit 5.5: Added a quick note I forgot to under the "mysterious boy's" section. 21:54 UTC.
Edit 6: Another edit, another translation! 22:22 UTC.
Edit 7: Added information from the translated trailer and u/quitethewaysaway's observation. 22:50 UTC.
Edit 7.5: Edited theory 5, 22:53 UTC.
25th April
Edit 8: I wrote another post about the translated trailer and added some new speculation there including possible Gnostic influences! Also I added a possible explanation for the alarms ringing in the Velvet Room. 9:40 (am) UTC.
Edit 9: This has nothing to do with Persona 5 Royal, but I wrote a post for P5S too! It's nowhere near as detailed as this one (since we have nowhere near as much info), but I hope you find it worth reading nonetheless! 14:39 UTC.
Edit 10: Added a shower thought inspired by Kasumi's cosplayer. 16:19 UTC.
Edit 11: Added a detail about Futaba's AOA that I noticed on rewatching the trailer. 18:14 UTC.
Edit 12: Finally managed to snag a picture of the above, and also added a scene from the trailer I didn't think worth mentioning before but have since changed my mind on. 21:13 UTC.
27th April
Edit 13: Added a new observations from the trailer. 08:35 UTC (am).
Edit 14: Added more info about a screenshot. 13:05 UTC.
Edit 15: Added some info from Twitter. I wish I knew of MysticDistance's work sooner! 13:54 UTC.
Edit 16: Added some observations from the trailer. 20:15 UTC.
Edit 17: Added a screenshot of the mystery figure on the TV screen. 20:47 UTC.
28th April
Edit 18: Added more details from Twitter, some speculation and a feature about the cutscenes I keep forgetting to add! 10:09 UTC.
Edit 19: Added speculation about when Kasumi joins the Thieves as well as a theory on Okumura's Palace. 14:05 UTC.
Edit 20: Added some speculation and further observations. 16:52 UTC.
UPDATES: This post is now too long to add to, so further updates will be added in the comments (along with text from here to show where the new details fit in.
Edit 21: Can be found here. 22:17 UTC. (Edit 21.5: Added a link to the magazine article and boldened the links to the trailer and site. 22:25 UTC).
29th April
Edit 22: Can be found here and contains some further speculation! 19:13 UTC.
Edit 23: Can be found here and details Kasumi's animations and possible symbolism of her stats/ potential playstyle. 19:36 UTC.
Edit 24: More speculation! 20:03 UTC.
Edit 25! 21:32 UTC.
30th April
Edit 26! 20:12 UTC.
(Edit 26.5: Added the above date and italicised it and the 29th for better clarity. 21:13 UTC.)
Edit 27: Added something I've been forgetting to add ever since adding the speculation of Goro (and Kasumi) joining Joker as "inmates," followed by some shower thoughts! 21:48 UTC.
Edit 28! A big one if I say so myself, about Kasumi's theorised code name, "Swan". Now I really hope we were right! 22:06 UTC.
4th May
Edit 29, 30 and 31: I was able to cover a lot over the past few days, including an analysis of Kasumi's character and name so far and translations for everything on the trailer and website! 16:49 UTC.
Edit 32: A new thought and an old thought. 23:00 UTC.
5th May
Edit 33: A thought regarding the narrative impact of the similarities between Kasumi and Joker's outfits. 10:01 UTC.
Edit 34: Wrote an analysis of the main song, Colors Flying High, and added some suggestions for the origins and implications of Kasumi's powers! 15:14 UTC.
6th May
Edit 35: More theories based on suggestions from the comments! 14:16 UTC.
Edit 36: New theories from the comments and something I keep forgetting to mention. 14:43 UTC.
Edit 37+ listed here!