Artist: Run The Jewels
Album: RTJ4
Date Released: June 3rd, 2020
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Artist Background
The duo consisting of Atlanta rapper Killer Mike, and legendary underground produceMC El-P, known together as Run The Jewels, originally came together as a result of Adult Swim executive Jason DeMarco who introduced the two in 2011. After his 2011 album PL3DGE peaked at #115 on the US charts, Killer Mike told Jason that he wanted to make his own AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted. Jason informed Mike, “If you want AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted modernized, the only producer I know who comes close to the Bomb Squad-level of production is El-P”. The duo’s chemistry was immediate, as El-P went on to produce all of Killer Mike’s 2012 last solo album R.A.P. Music, and Mike featured on El-P’s final solo album Cancer 4 Cure. Mike and El’s respective albums released within a week of each other in May 2012, and the two embarked on a twenty-city US tour in the following months. After returning from tour, the pair had found a friendship growing between themselves, and made the decision to put other projects on hold and focus on the chemistry that had been sparked. Recording at an upstate NY studio beginning in April 2013, the duo re-appropriated the phrase “Run The Jewels” from the LL Cool J track “Cheesy Rat Blues", and released their self-titled collaborative album, for free via digital download, only a mere 2 months later in June 2013.
36” Chain vs. Pistol & Fist
Run The Jewels discography currently exists in a distinct pairing. With Run The Jewels as their debut, this record set the group's tone as a light-hearted, braggadocious duo with as much confidence in their abilities as swag in their punchlines. Just over a year later, the sequel Run The Jewels 2 took the foundation set from their freshman effort and dialed the insanity up to 11. RTJ2 pushed the boundaries of their aggression and flows to new heights; with incredible energy in their verses, and absolutely impeccable beats, blending El-P’s signature industrial sound with sharp synth arpeggios, chopped Zach De La Rocha vocals, and absolutely bonkers Travis Barker drums.
It was then nearly 3 years before Jamie and Mike followed up their breakout RTJ2, with Run The Jewels 3 being released again ahead of its scheduled release date via free digital download, this time on Christmas Eve 2016. Instead of these two attempting to outdo the pure insanity and in-your-face attitude found in their predecessor, Mike and El decide to evolve themselves as a group. The duo had noticeably pulled back on the swag and dick jokes which made such a splash on RTJ2, instead choosing a more subdued, electronic approach to their beats, as well as a clearly stronger political approach in their lyrics. This change in sound and style is demonstrated in the album cover’s artwork. The first two records featured the distinctive RTJ “Pistol and Fist”, with the fist tightly gripping a chain. The chain, in my opinion, represents the swag and braggadocio that drove the aggressive nature of their first two albums. In RTJ3 the chain is removed, leaving only hands that have transformed from bleeding and bandaged, to a pristine gold.
This brings us to early 2020. It’s been nearly 4 years of living in a post-Trump America, and El-P announces that Run The Jewels fourth record has been completed. Mike and El live-stream the first single “yankee and the brave” on Instagram on March 22nd, 2020. Lyrically and sonically, RTJ4 exists as the successor to Run The Jewels 3, with Mike and El again taking the good from their previous effort and launching it into the creative stratosphere. El-P’s beats are again leaning towards the synthetic, electronic side, this time with the intensity dialed all the way up to 11. From a lyrical perspective, RTJ takes the politically-charged lyrics from their predecessor, and again, up the ante, laying down some of the hardest hitting and politically poignant bars either of these two have ever spit.
Album Review
2020 was a year that none of us will soon forget. An unprecedented global health crisis kept the majority of us inside for months at a time. RTJ4 was announced on May 12th, 2020, with a release date slated for June 5th, 2020. However, with 2020 as the gift that won’t stop giving, the end of May was highlighted by the unjust killing of George Floyd. The phrase heard around the world, “I can’t breathe” instantly became a rally-cry for the oppressed to finally take to the streets to demand systemic police reform, as Floyd’s death was not the first time this phrase was uttered in an unjust police killing. In fact, a 2020 study by the New York Times showed that at least 70 people have died in police custody after using the same phrase over the past decade. As millions of American’s began organizing protests and demonstrations in the wake of Floyd’s death, Run The Jewels made the decision to release their latest chapter two days ahead of the scheduled release. El-P tweeted, just minutes ahead of the drop, “Fuck it, why wait. The world is infested with bullshit, so here’s something raw to listen to while you deal with it all. We hope it brings you some joy. Stay safe and hopeful out there and thank you for giving 2 friends the chance to be heard and do what they love”. In line with all past Run The Jewels releases, the album was made available for free digital download, two days ahead of its scheduled release date, on June 3rd, 2020.
THE RETURN (we don’t mean no harm but we truly mean all the disrespect)
RTJ4 opens with the first single, “yankee and the brave (ep. 4)”. Using the team names from their respective hometown baseball teams, Mike and El use the opening track to prove that they’re not just a hip-hop duo, they’re brothers, for better or worse. El-P kicks this installment off with rapid-fire, machine-gun esque snares, matching Killer Mike’s aggressive flow and tightly packed rhymes, before El jumps in to trade some dense rhymes as well. Mike and El depict themselves as outlaws, with Mike surrounded by cops with only one bullet remaining. He contemplates suicide instead of allowing the police to take him alive, until El-P jumps back in, offering Mike a way out, with a getaway car waiting outside. This tense situation is depicted lightheartedly in this song’s music video, which was released via Adult Swim and features the duo animated.
The trade-off between Mike and El’s short verses are reminiscent of late-80’s EPMD flows, while the production sounds like boom-bap that’s been sent to us from the future. This distinctive blend of old-school rap roots and forward thinking production is what continues to separate Run The Jewels from absolutely all of their contemporaries. While so many artists are continually playing catch-up with the latest trends, RTJ are side-stepping the trendy and moving forward with the mind-bending.
FLEXIN’ (ayo one for mayhem, two for mischief)
The second single “ooh la la” samples a Gang Star track "DWYCK (feat. Nice & Smooth)" as the basis for the chorus. I say “samples” as that’s how it is credited in the album’s liner notes, however it’s truly an interpolation of Greg Nice’s bar, slowed down slightly, and sung by El-P and Greg Nice himself. El-P is a true old-head at heart, and it’s abundantly obvious in his work, even going as far as to recruit legendary producer DJ Premiere to handle the scratching on the back end of this banger.
Out of key piano chords are looped to quickly create an unsettling aura surrounding the track, before El-P’s voice cuts through the infectious piano like a whip. Pounding, up-tempo drums are introduced after the chorus’ first iteration, creating what is possibly El-P’s first danceable beat. Lyrically, Mike and El-P initially seem scattered on this track, however the music video quickly makes their point very obvious.

”we imagined the world on the day that the age old struggle of class was finally over. a day that humanity, empathy and community were victorious over the forces that would separate us based on arbitrary systems created by man.
this video is a fantasy of waking up on a day that there is no monetary system, no dividing line, no false construct to tell our fellow man that they are less or more than anyone else. not that people are without but that the whole meaning of money has vanished. that we have somehow solved our self created caste system and can now start fresh with love, hope and celebration. its a dream of humanity’s V-DAY… and the party we know would pop off.”

The video envisions a society celebrating the fact that the class system we currently exist within has finally imploded. Money is worthless, and we have rejected the desire to bind ourselves to the constraints of capitalism. All creeds and colors unite to burn the system that has so effectively controlled us for over a century. It’s a party, and if there was a song to celebrate the end of the world as it is currently known, “ooh la la” is that song.
Mike’s last verse features a few metaphors and comparisons celebrating the destruction of capitalism, saving the most poignant for last:

I used to love Bruce, but livin' my vida loca
Helped me understand I'm probably more of a Joker
When we usher in chaos, just know that we did it smiling
Cannibals on this island, inmates run the asylum

Premo’s expertly cut scratches lead us into the equally hard hitting sample flip of “Misdemeanor”, by Foster Stevens as the basis for the beat to “out of sight”. Lending yet another nod to the old-school greats that laid the foundation for RTJ, “out of sight” samples the same track as The D.O.C.’s “It’s Funky Enough”, only adding a bouncy, electronic synth atop the inverted chord hits, and uptempo, industrial drums, to create an absolutely infectious groove for Mike and El’s dynamic chemistry to shine, rapidly jumping between each other’s two line flows in the first verse.
“out of sight” shows each MC providing insight into how each of them earned a living and achieved their current status. Mike and El’s opening verse each details themselves robbing people in order to eat. El alludes to the fact that he crossed his accomplices in crime for the whole bag, while Mike details the fact his assailant tells him it’s an “honor” to be robbed by his mother’s only son.
While El-P’s production is the obvious stand out on first listen, Killer Mike comes through with one of the most sonically pleasing and technically proficient verses of 2020.

We the motivating, devastating, captivating
Ghost and Rae relating product of the fuckin' '80s
Coke dealin' babies, never regulating, bag accumulating
It would not be overstating to say they are underrating
The pride of Brooklyn and the Grady, baby
We don't need no compliments or confidence
Our attitude and latitude is "fuck you, pay me"

The dense, intricate rhyme schemes smack you in the face, almost distracting you from Mike’s delivery and blistering flow on the verse; flexing his legendary status while paying homage to his drug-dealing past. This absolutely stunning display of technical skill, story telling, and complex rhyming illustrates how RTJ seamlessly integrates the best of both old school and new school hip-hop.
“out of sight” also features a guest verse from 2 Chainz, and he continues to lay the braggadocio on thick. Considering Tity Boi’s dedication to trap stylings, his verse feels right at home on the flex track, despite it’s late 80’s tribute sample, a considerable departure from his usual sound palette.
Up until this point, I haven’t mentioned any of the El-P’s lyrics specifically. El-P is a great rapper, but Killer Mike… Well, Killer Mike is an incredible rapper. He’s the guy who draws you in. El-P is the one who lays the foundation for greatness and Mike is the show stopper, and that’s generally the case for most RTJ tracks. But on “holy calamafuck”, El-P seems determined to make people stop and ask, “Who the fuck is this?!”.
A sharp, yet nearly minimalistic drum kit backing a heavily distorted synthesizer melody lays beneath rhymically knocking cow-bells. This aggressively set stage allows Mike and El to flex as the dynamic duo they are, until the beat suddenly takes a turn for the chaotic. A gnarled, ultra-menacing synth overtakes everything while Mike screams into the abyss, until a distorted snare, enormous 808s, and skeletal hi-hats cut through and launch the beat switch into another dimension. The minimal, yet incredibly dark soundscape allows El-P to snap in a way I have never heard from him previously. His rhymes schemes are reminiscent of an old MF DOOM lyric notebook, while his topics flawlessly combine flexing, psychedelic use, and his well-cemented legacy in the hip-hop community. Cutting and pasting a few of his bars into this review could not convey a fraction of how stunning El-P’s performance on “holy calamafuck” is.
Slightly later in the track list, making liberal use of the Ether song “Gang of Four”, “the ground below” samples and loops the sharp guitar riff and adds aggressive, pounding drums as the basis for the beat; this is finally reminiscent of the forward-thinking, stridulous production El-P has built his reputation on. Capitalising on the classic RTJ moment, Mike and El both flex in their own unique ways. Mike compares himself to Godzilla taking on Tokyo, and El-P demands respect for his name as the legend he is, threatening to smack dying children for mispronouncing his name with his middle finger to the world; his complete disregard for human life and confidence in his abilities are summed up at the end of his verse.

You see a future where Run the Jewels ain’t the shit
Cancel my Hitler-killing trip
Turn the time machine back around a century

SO¢IAL JU$T-ICE (until my voice go from a shriek to whisper...)
While the first few tracks aren’t without their social and political themes, the back-end of RTJ4 is where Mike and El start to bust out the heavy topics. “goonies vs. E.T.”. starts off light, with El-P pointing to the irony of how once he finally started to make it “big” in the industry, the world began to descend into chaos due to climate changes, increasingly obvious social injustice, and political madness. He culminates his frustration with our disregard for the Earth with a fantastic quotable.

Fuck y’all got, another planet on stash?
Far from the fact of the flames and our trash
That is not snow, it is ash, and you gotta know
The past got a wrath, it’s a lover gone mad

Mike’s verse takes the light-hearted frustration expressed by El-P, and turns the aggression to the next level. Aiming his sights against the ruling class and their society that’s been designed to oppress people for profit, who have very meticulously painted themselves as celebrities and idols to the American public. Mike accepts that he will be villainized by these people for speaking against them, but he welcomes the nefarious role, knowing that the working class will eventually eat the rich, no matter how much they are stomped into the dirt.
And this is just the warmup.
If it’s possible for a song to represent a moment in time that captures the absolute shit storm that has been 2020, “walking in the snow” is that song. It’s release coincided perfectly with the protests for George Floyd which were sweeping the nation. Killer Mike’s verse directly references the phrase “I can’t breathe”, the last words of Eric Garner, which also happened to be the last words of Floyd as well. The fact that this verse was reportedly written in November 2019 perpetually underscores the importance of the content and perfectly represents how persistent this problem is. “walking in the snow” is a true encapsulation of both a defining moment in time and an ever-persisting issue.
But he doesn’t just stop at the racial injustice. Mike goes on an absolute rant about the American education system; how it’s not designed to teach people, but to discriminate against poor populations, limiting their legitimate opportunities, and therefore disproportionately leading them into a criminal lifestyle. He calls out the media as fear-mongers, and the apathy of the American public in the face of indecency. Fortunately for Mike, by the time we finally had the chance to hear this masterpiece, we were already on our feet, using this album as a war cry to mobilize against a tyrannical government that militarized against its own citizens simply for asking that we recognize systemic racism and demanding change. Killer Mike has the best verse of the year, no doubt in my mind.
The only drawback is that Mike’s verse is so fucking good that it completely overshadows El-P’s, which is also amazing. A menacing guitar riff and haunting synths kick the track off into a bouncy groove, where El-P unleashes a flurry of internal rhymes that does not relent for about half his verse. Even adding layers of social commentary within the densely packed bars, El refuses to quit and continues on his political tirade; criticizing ICE’s detainment center practices and the “pseudo-Christians” who support them, with a bar that now lives in my head:

Pseudo-Christians, y’all indifferent, kids in prison ain’t a sin? Shit
if even one scrap of what Jesus taught connected you’d feel different
what a disingenuous way to piss away existence, I don’t get it
I’d say you lost your goddamn minds if y’all possessed one to begin with

The combination of two of the best verses spit by any rapper(s) this year and production help from El-P and long time RTJ collaborator Little Shalimar, create a bouncy, aggressive, deeply truthful banger. “walking in the snow” not only encapsulates the crux of 2020 with lyrics that will become more powerful as they age, but will also forever be associated with the Black Lives Matter movement and the determination to expose continuing racial and societal injustices.
The sonic palette of RTJ4 holds an extremely unique place in El-P’s discography. Jamie is the definition of a self-made 90’s hip-hop legend. This is the dude who put New York underground hip-hop on the map with Company Flow, and he did it with his unique flavor of dark, noisy, dense, boom-bap. Whether he was doing it with the help of Rawkus, or completely independently during his Definitive Jux run, El-P has never made music with the intention of becoming famous. Funcrusher Plus, Fantastic Damage,I’ll Sleep When You’re Dead, and Cancer 4 Cure are all highly revered as industrial, technical, abrasive, and completely unsuitable for the radio or a party. The fact that three songs on RTJ4 could easily be heard on the radio, at a party, or in a TV series credits scene is frankly, astounding. In a 2002 interview/documentary on El-P’s budding record label Def Jux, he stated that his friend bet him $500 that he could not make a beat that was “happy”. At the time of the interview, El-P said that he had not won that bet yet. While I might not qualify the beats on RTJ4 as “happy”, if you showed El-P the beat for “JU$T” in 2002, I believe he might have won that bet.
Pharell opens “JU$T” with the pre-chorus, spitting varied examples of how we’re all slaves to our current system throughout the track, over echoing snares and bouncy 808s before bright synth chords and up-tempo hi-hats burst in while Killer Mike delivers the chorus, pointing to the fact that the majority of the people featured on American currency owned slaves at one point in their lives. Mike’s verse touches on the fact that he has committed crimes to get where they are today. Mike is publicly open about his past as a drug dealer. So why is he a criminal, but Benjamin Franklin isn’t? These are the people who built our country, and they built it on the backs of slaves. He illustrates this theme with a more recent examples:

You believe corporations runnin marijuana? Ooh (how that happen?)
and your country gettin ran by a casino owner (ooh)
pedophiles sponsor all these fuckin’ racist bastards (they do)

When corporations are able to sell cannabis legally, but the government continually incarcerates people who trap, our president is a notoriously fraudulent businessman, and the people who helped put him in power run a pedophile ring, yet none of them face consequences and are allowed to continue to profit and remain in power while people suffer; well, we might be closer to slaves than previously imagined.
Rage Against The Machine frontman Zach de la Rocha also makes his mandatory feature appearance at the end of “JU$T”. As the only artist to feature on three Run The Jewels albums, Zach is essentially an unofficial member of the group at this point. His fiery verse is spit with the same “Rage” energy that set him apart in the mid-90’s, ending the track questioning his place in a capitalist society as a recipe for his inevitable demise, since his “breath”, or art, as his weapon to express himself is still being exploited for other’s profit.
Continuing with RTJ4’s heavily synthetic sonic palette, “never look back” features wavering synth leads resting above the slow-jams snappy snares and thumping bass, while a haunting voice echoes in the background. This unsettling aura provides additional gravity for Jamie and Mike to continue self-reflecting on defining moments in their childhood, and as well as how far they’ve come from those moments. Mike and El are both self-made men, and while they have a certain fondness for those gritty moments that defined them, moving forward in life is undoubtedly more important.
Skeletal drums reminiscent of a slowly pounding heart opens “pulling the pin”, before rhythmic hi-hats and textured, watery synths fluttering in the upper register resting above a bouncy synth lead, and punchy 808s, burst in. The track digs itself into a slower, marching groove and shows the duo figuratively doing exactly what the title implies. Painting a portrait of a society that has turned on itself, Mike and El are ready to pull the pin and start over.
The duo both detail their despise for the ruling class, pointing out multiple examples of how the elite have designed our society to keep poor people in their class. Simultaneously recognizing their own hypocrisy for profiting in a system that inherently discriminates; Mike reflects on his own success, knowing that living the lifestyle he enjoys is one built on oppression, and expresses the guilt that has caused him. El-P opens with a brutal metaphor for police, implying that they’re the root cause of the “wretched state of danger” our society exists within, and that the only effective corrective action is to numb yourself with drugs. Despite his advice, Jamie knows this is not a permanent solution, but one that causes more self-inflicted wounds.
The final piece of the puzzle that is RTJ4, “a few words for the firing squad” begins to close the album with ever crescending strings, and loud, thunderous drums which never seem to resolve, continuing throughout their verses. While the drums that lead to nowhere can be sonically unpleasant, the unresolved melodies are intentionally representative of their current mindsets. Their verses are reflective and grim, but simultaneously optimistic and envisions a world where tragedy is a less common occurrence.
El is grateful for what he has now but recognizes his entire life has been skewed by traumas, so out of place feels normal for him. He reflects on his current success, noting that the worst people tend to end up with the most, which makes becoming “rich” something not as desirable as it once was.
Mike opens up about the death of his mother who died while he was on an airplane, admitting his struggles to not cope with his trauma with opioids. However, his wife provides him the most important reason to stay clean “but my queen/say she need a king/not another junkie rapper fiend” while a heartbreaking saxophone solo highlights the gravity of his lyrics.
The track ends with what sounds the like wrap-up voiceover to a TV show, a conceptually satisfying ending, as the opening track “yankee and brave (ep.4)” began with El-P stating:

”This week, on Yankee and The Brave”

This voiceover paints the duo as brothers on the run from the law and crooked cops, and while this does close this “episode” out as intended, the critic in me is bothered by the slightly kitschy outro to such a spectacular album. The voices singing over and over, “Brave, brave, braaaaaave, Yankee and the Brave” would be, simply put, better left on the cutting room floor. The ending of this track alone is what knocks my score of this album down a few points. Despite its stellar lyrical content, with drums that never seem to reach that “holy shit!” moment, and the easily skippable outro, it’s upsetting to me that an album this great ends on such a low note.
Overview
RTJ4 is by far my favorite album of the year. El-P’s cutting edge approach to their sound, blended with lyrical content that continues to be more relevant by the day, the duo have come together with what is objectively their most accessible album to date. RTJ4 is the natural evolution of sound and subject matter for the duo; taking the foundation set by Run The Jewels 3 and evolving it into a more concise, more accessible, and more conceptual album. While I still personally prefer the “fuck the world” intensity and experimental nature of Run The Jewels 2, RTJ4 opens themselves up to a whole new world of exposure, and when you’re as talented as these two, you know they’re going to capitalize on it. RTJ is currently at their apex, and they’ve created an album that will make many new life-long fans going forward.
9.2/10
Discussion Points

• How does this compare to other RTJ releases? How about in comparison to the member’s solo works?
  
• Does the overwhelmingly positive critical reception of this album surprise you?
  
• How will this be looked back on in 5 years?
  
• What are your favorite lyrics?
  

Shout out to u/Misanthropia for the original post — the hive needed more updated art!
This list is current as of episode 234 (2/10/21)
Desus goes by numerous aliases on the Bodega Boys Podcast. These aliases are based on references to pop culture, sports, and hip-hop. The long and ever-changing list of aliases or "AKAs" are one of the many running gags on the show. During an interview with Method Man on Desus and Mero, Desus explained that the idea for aliases was based on the alter-egos of the rappers in the song "Wu-Gambinos" on the album Only Built 4 Cuban Linx... by Wu-Tang Clan member Raekwon. (info via Wikipedia)
Desus & Mero no longer record from Milk Studios (moved indefinitely) and have been recording the podcast remotely from home due to the pandemic. Most of the AKA’s now mention social distancing, hot takes on covid and store closures.

Desus

Desus is extremely consistent with his aliases, almost always presenting them in the exact same order and without any exclusions:
Desus Nice — In a Hot 97 interview on April 13th 2017, Desus explains that people started calling him Desus as a play on his government name, "Daniel", and "Jesus", because he worked miracles with people's computers
Young Chipotle — Desus’ original alias, he explains in one podcast that it originates from when he was broke and buying Chipotle was a genuine treat
Pockets stay fat like Terio (Pockets stay fat like 'here we go') — A reference to viral star Terio, a young, obese African American boy whose videos of him dancing launched him to very brief viral fame. Recently, Desus added the more politically correct and kid friendly “here we go”
Eli Litby — A play on Eli Whitney, inventor of the cotton gin
Boutros Boutros Gully — A play on Boutros Boutros-Ghali, former Secretary-General of the UN, “Gully” being Jamaican Patois for an impoverished area
Slobodan Might-know-ya-bitch — A play on Slobodan Milosevic, former President of Serbia and important player in the Bosnian War
Young Day Party — I believe this was adopted in the summer of 2016 after Desus recounted the story of a day party in D.C., which seemed to invigorate his love for partying during the day
Young Hot Take — He has hot takes, pretty obvious here
Desus H. Fuego — Another moniker to describe his hot (“fuego”) takes on topics
Mr. Nandos with a rando — Nandos is a portuguese chicken restaurant chain which originated in South Africa and is big in the UK and Australia. Rando is slang for random person. Having Nandos with a rando is eating chicken with a random person (credit to u/deweez)
Mr. Mil Novecientos Noventa Y Cuatro en Nueva York — In later episodes Desus rarely adds the “en Nueva York” bit, but it translates to “Mr. 1994 in New York”. "The Knicks team in 1994 made the finals and is a legendary team amongst all Knicks fans who were around at the time. That team got to game 7 of the finals against the Rockets. NYC rallied around that team hard body because that team absolutely embodied NYC to a T with guys like Ewing, Charles Oakley, Mason, Starks, and Derek Harper." (credit to u/Okieant33)
Mikhail Goin-off — derived from former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev (credit to u/GhettoFob) converged with an allusion to losing ones temper in an act of random violence.
The Jouvert Boss — “Jouvert” is a carnival held in Caribbean/West Indian culture, involving a lot of partying
MC Likkle Gungo Pea — Gungo pea is a type of peas (also known as pigeon peas) often used in Jamaican dishes. Reference to his Jamaican heritage (credit to u/hopelessromcom)
"Pullin' up from 40 with your shorty" — Desus will “pull up”, or make a pass at, your girl even when the odds are slim or unlikely, much like a 40 foot shot in basketball
"Don’t talk to me in the Uber Pool, I don’t know you" — Uber introduced a service where you can share rides with other Uber users for a discounted rate. Desus has expressed his reluctance to engage with strangers when he is using it
The original “my plus one got a plus one so don’t make a fuss son” — When Desus shows up to an event with a girl, he brings two, and he's intimating that the host shouldn’t have a problem with that
Desus Rothstein, the Jamaican Jew — Originated around when Mero began his house search in Bergen County, NJ where a number of wealthy people of Jewish descent live. Desus envisions a version of himself who would fit in there
Jermaine Avocado Toast — Desus has gotten more cultured as a result of their success, and as such he has been able to indulge in things usually enjoyed by privileged white people, a stereotypical example of that being avocado toast. This is Desus’ gentrified, hipster persona
Young PA — Possible reference to the sound of small amount of air being expelled from a loose butthole, which is an impression Mero occasionally does (credit to u/jimsternub). This is also a reference to Brooklyn rapper Young MA.
The Ghost of Mufasa — A reference to Lion King, but beyond that I have no idea why he adopted it. Still hilarious though, and the nickname that most often makes Mero laugh
Young Charcuterie without the coonery — Charcuterie is considered very hip and trendy right now, and Desus is again saying he has a taste for the finer things, but is no longer interested in “coonery”, a derogatory term used to describe stereotypical African American behavior
Chile Limon, the left handed reliever for the Yankee’s (Que lo que?) — A fictional persona that seems to be a Latino version of Dock Ellis, who famously threw a no hitter while high on Acid. Chile Limon is also a popular seasoning/flavor with the Latino community
3 Phone Jones — Desus originally adopted "2 Phone Jones" after he reluctantly bought an iPhone to go with his Samsung Galaxy. He then received a Google Pixel, making it 3 Phone Jones (credit to u/ArtSorr0w)
Desus Ex Machina — A play on the common plot device “deus ex machina”, or “god from the machine” in which an unsolvable problem is suddenly resolved by some unexpected intervention. Desus also used to have a tumblr entitled "Desus Ex Machina" (credit to u/hardcore9)
Jay Chuckles — Revealed in episode 55 to be a reference to a now-defunct shoe store in NYC. Did Desus read this thread?
Stanley Cups — Desus' former rap alias, as revealed in episode 53.
The Human Dr. Bronner’s Label (Dilute! Dilute! Dilute!) — A reference to the concentrated soap Dr. Bronner’s Castile soap, which needs to be diluted. I didn’t quite understand how Desus applied this to himself, but it came from a joke in Episode 51 or 52 about Sean Spicer trying to defray controversy surrounding President Trump's decisions
Dionardo DiTrappio — A play on “Leonardo DiCaprio”, the actor, but referencing “trapping”, a slang for selling drugs.
Mr. 240p because I like my Pino blurry — Desus longs for the days of very low resolution pornography. 240p refers to the resolution, which is extremely low by modern standards
DJ Woolite AKA You're listening to Washed FM up next we got 24 hours of — The host of the fictional station “Washed FM”, a fictional radio station that is sometimes referenced along with “WSMK, Smack City Radio”. Woolite is a brand of fabric softener. Desus said multiple times on the podcast that now that he's single and living alone, he washes his clothes with extra fabric softener. As a kid, his clothes would get washed and be hard as nails. Again, he's got a taste for the finer things in life. (credit to u/Okieant33)
The Curried G.O.A.T. — A double reference to Desus’s Jamaican heritage, where Curried Goat is a popular culinary item, as well as referencing the phrase “G.O.A.T”, short for “greatest of all time”
Desus Spicer — A play on the former White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, who is often referenced on Desus & Mero as “spicing up” or “adding spice” to his takes
Jamal Hashburn — A play on Jamal Mashburn, a former NBA player, about Hash
The Bronx Celine Dion — Refers to the fact that Celine Dion is very popular in the Jamaican community, and so Desus is like Celine, but from the Bronx. (credit to u/chefboyardu) This is especially present with foreign and immigrant culture which means he is of mogul or iconic status for the Bronx (credit to u/courtofdacrimsonking)
Wray and Nephew's Nephew — A play on J. Wray and Nephew rum, which has its origins in Jamaica like Desus. Also, Desus drinks a lot, which you probably should have figured out by now. Introduced in episode 58
The Moreno you can't contain-o — A play on "moreno", a Spanish term for someone with dark skin
The Human Meme, Word to Ja — A play on Ja Rule's infamous mistake of believing that the word "meme" is pronounced "may-may"
Young Erewhon — A reference to a bourgeois health food store in LA, which makes this nickname in the vein of "Jermaine Avocado Toast", demonstrating Desus' taste for finer things now. (credit to u/a-1-since-day-1)
The Racist Provocateur — Desus flipped an angry tweet from April 28th 2017, in which someone called him a "racist provocateur" into a new alias
Henrik Bud-qvist — A play on NHL goalie Henrik Lundqvist, who currently plays for the New York Rangers
Nelson Bang-dela — An old alias resurrected in episode 65, a play on South African civil right's icon Nelson Mandela
Sergio Can't-see-me — A play on Sergio Tacchini, an Italian fashion designer and former Tennis player
Vladimir Boofin' — A play on Russian president Vladimir Putin, "boofin" being a reference to smuggling something by sticking it inside one's rectum
The Human Werther's, melting in your mouth — A reference to Werther's Originals, a brand of caramel hard candies favored by old people. Not really sure what this one means otherwise.
Mr. Becks on Deckington — The first time Desus introduced this one, he accidentally said "Mr. Becky's on Deckington" which was an incredible Freudian slip since Desus has been accused of not being into black women, and "Becky" is the stereotypical white woman name in pop culture. This is a reference to Desus always drinking Beck's, a cheap beer he favors along with Heineken. Adding "-ington" to words is New York slang, as Mero explains at some point.
Rikki-Tikki-Squad-bi — A play on Rikki-Tikki-Tavi, a character from the Jungle Book
Greg "Paaa"-povitch — A very meta play on San Antonio Spur's head coach Greg Popovich and the onomatopoeia of spreading butt cheeks apart (according to Mero)
Morris "Say it with your chest"-nut — A play on actor Morris Chestnut
Mahatma Gone-B — A play on famed pacifist Mahatma Gandi
Not Macka B but I got the cucumber — A reference to a viral video in which Reggae artist Macka B raps about healthy food in his "medical monday" series, Desus is unsurprisingly referencing his penis
The juices are pressed but your boy never is — Being "pressed" means someone is applying pressure to you, and no one would do that to Desus. The juices he is talking about are probably the morning drink he has with lemongrass and cayenne pepper that he makes reference to many times in recent episodes of the podcast.
I am the Art, dammit! — Not sure if this is a reference to anything specific or just a Kanye-esque line a crazed creative might yell out at some point
The Don Dada Ganoush — I believe this is a reference to the Meditteranean dish Baba Ganoush, "Don Dada" is Jamaican Patois slang (I believe) for “top pimp” or “big player” and a sort-of homophone for "baba"
No more Cup of Noodles — I don't know if this is a reference beyond the fact that Cup of Noodles is a struggle meal and Desus is no longer struggling
The Prince of Peckham — A reference to Peckham, a diverse neighborhood in London
The Fashion Nova Casanova — Fashion Nova is an online clothing retailer that specifically targets curvy women that Desus and Mero reference pejoratively (saying it's for bottle waitresses), Desus is saying here that he excels at seducing these kind of women ("Casanova" is a term of a man who excels at seducing women derived from the name of Italian Giacomo Casanova)
"William H. 5 Cent, 10 Cent, Dolla... Forget the small change, give me the the big money wine" — A reference to Soca Boys song "Dollar Wine (one cent, five cent, ten cent, dollar)" which apparently was super popular in the West Indies. "William H Holla is something Jay-Z used to call himself back in his hey day. It comes from the fact that Bill Gates' full name is William Henry Gates. Jay-Z used to give himself nicknames back in the day. J-Hova caught on but he used the term William H Holla because Jay-Z also coined the phrase "Holla At Me" and "Holla Back" and just shortened it to "Holla". So put the two together and you have William H Holla. He first said it on the song "Stick to the Script" off the Dynasty album. So Desus took it and made it his own." (credit to u/Okieant33)
The only anthem I salute is Dipset — A reference to the ongoing national anthem protests in the NFL, Desus is saying the only anthem he salutes is "Dipset Anthem" by Harlem rap legends The Diplomats
Mister Sauga, Catch me at Square One Top Left. Mans is marved. (Dont cheese me bro) — Finally a Canadian-centric reference, which makes sense given that the Bodega Boys have performed there multiple times. This is a reference to the Square One Shopping Center in Mississauga, Canada (where Desus alleges his mysterious wife and kids live), and "top left" is Greater Toronto Area slang for "truthful" or "seriously". "Mans is marved", means "I'm hungry" in Toronto slang (credit to u/Fortehlulz33)
Trill Rizzuto, holy cow! — A reference to former Yankees player Phil Rizzuto who would later go on to be a commentator, where his trademark expression was "holy cow!"
Mister Soft Palms because all I do is count checks and jerk off — I don't know if this is a reference to anything except Desus bragging about his lifestyle
"We got OJ, uh purple stuff, soda, and it's me! Sunny D!" — A reference to an old Sunny D commercial (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQE3jWYuGiw), and a play on the fact that people likely used to called Desus by the nickname "D", so "it's me! Sunny D" would be like saying "it's me, Desus!". Also kind of ironic since Desus is not a particularly sunny person (cue Dark Desus).
David Yerp-man — A play on David Yurman, an expensive jewelry company, and NYC slang exclamation "yerp"
Desus-expensive, Desus-Red Bottoms, Desus-bloody shoes — A play on a lyric from fellow Bronx native Cardi B taken from her song "Bodak Yellow"
Smo-a-kim Noah — A play on NBA player Joaquim Noah who played for the Knicks
Andrew Coooooool-nanan — A reference to serial killer (most notable for killing Gianni Versace) Andrew Cunanan
The Junior Energy God, come sit down 'pon me charger — Originally just the "Energy God" until Desus realized that that was fellow Jamaican Elephant Man's aliases. I thiiiink this is referring to the phrase "bring the same energy", the idea that if one is saying something behind someone's back, when confronted by the individual they should stick to their original statements. This alias started after the infamous Desus & Mero visit to the Breakfast Club, in which DJ Envy accosted the boys about a joke they made about his wife. Desus & Mero didn't punk out and therefore "brought the same energy". Someone tell me if I'm reaching here.
Call me PetCo cause I got your bitch-on-freeze — A play on words for the dog breed Bichon Frise
The Topic of Gossip in Syosset (Shout out to 11791 ah ah ah) — Syosset (zip code 11791) is a town in Long Island, NY. it's real bougie and suburban so Desus is saying basically he's got reach and is known not just in the hood but in the wealthy burbs too (credit to u/terminal-chillness)
Grandpa Joe, When you see Charlie you see me don't touch that golden ticket — A direct reference to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Grandpa Joe) and Desus's cats name (Charlie)
Dead Eye Desus (Mornin’ Sherrif) — Dead Eye Desus refers to the 2018 video game Red Dead Redemption 2. The game features a gameplay mechanic called "Dead Eye" that allows the player to slow time to achieve easy head shots and kills. The game is also set in the late 1800's, early 1900's in the old West, which is why Desus typically references a Sheriff after saying Dead Eye Desus. (credit to u/biggak)
Mr. Shopping at StreetEasy with a bad breezy like I'm Yeezy, please believe me — Another one of Desus' tongue twisters, this one is in reference to shopping at StreetEasy, a NYC real estate website with an attractive woman like Kanye West might do
The Black Asiatic who will crack your back like an automatic craftmatic — Added in episode 54 after Desus' continuing gag about "big Black Asiatic men" (often referencing their penises). Here Desus is implying that sex with him (a Black Asiatic man) is very vigorous by saying he will change your posture like a Craftmatic mattress, which is a brand of mattress whose shape and orientation can be controlled electronically
Mr. La Marina in a mesh Merina with a fresh misdemeanor and a cold demeanor — This one is a doozy, but was adopted after Desus mentioned his frequent trips to La Marina (a bar on the water in Manhattan) in episodes released in the summer of 2016. A mesh Merina is a a mesh tank top (I think). The other two parts are self explanatory. Not sure how he always gets this one right without mixing up the words.
The Sheet-Mask Killer (No one could be iller) — A reference to Sheet Masks, a skin care routine some might find to be bougie. "No one could be iller" is a reference to how ODB introduces Ghostface Killah on "Da Mystery of Chessboxin" by Wu Tang Clan (credit to u/atorMMM)
The Black Zack Morris of Port Morris — A take on Zack Morris for his problematic schemes on Saved by the Bell. (credit to u/justic3bon3r) Port Morris is a neighborhood in the Bronx (credit to u/m9rockstar) home of The Bronx Brewery and Bodega Boys Beer
Young KPI — More than likely a reference to the various random office jobs Desus had (KPI = key performance indicator) (credit to u/atorMMM)
Your Personal Desus — Desus sometimes will recite lyrics by Depeche Mode “Personal Jesus” (1989) More than likely this is a play off his main alias (credit to u/justic3bon3r)
The Pelé of Peleton — Pelé (Edson Arantes do Nascimento) was a former Brazilian soccer player and considered one of the greats. Desus is an avid Peleton user so much he deems himself the greatest of all time
Your problematic bae — Desus occasionally says problematic things, but you still love him, hence him being your “bae”. He always ends with this one, followed by an exaggerated kissing sound.
*After Desus's last aka he gives some sort of problematic advice sometimes followed by explosions*

Mero

Mero (u/THE_KID_MERO) is far less consistent with his aliases. Depending upon how smacked he is, he will often exclude or repeat some of his aliases. He also adds them far less frequently than Desus.
The Kid Mero — In a Hot 97 interview on April 13th 2017, Mero explained that this alias comes from the fact that his father and uncle wanted to name him "Ramiro", but his mother vetoed it and named him "Joel". His father and uncle continued to call him "Ramiro", which was shortened to "Miro" as a nickname. When Mero started tagging, he changed Miro to Mero because he found E to be a nicer letter to write (credit to u/atorMMM) as well as he just didn't like how the "i" looked. Also tagging the name "Ramiro" that long would get you arrested
The Human Durag Flap — Mero’s original nickname, and a reference to how hood he is and his uncircumcised status, something that gets referenced very often (credit u/ZeddyG2 and u/chandlersokay)
Curve Gotti — A play on “Irv Gotti”, former boss of Murder, Inc. records
Donovan Mcdabb — A play on former NFL player Donovan Mcnabb, in reference to dabbing, which could have two meanings (smoking THC oil or the dance move created by the Migos)
Trizz Khalifa — A play on “Wiz Khalifa”, but substituting the first part of the name with the slang “Trizz”. Usually said in a fake patois, imitating Popcaan's cry of "Fuck Wiz Khalifa!" at a Mixpak event
SKKRRRT Loder — A play on “Kurt Loder” former host on MTV News and editor at Rolling Stone
James St. Fatdick, I'll Ghost on you shorty — Originated right around the premiere of season 4 of Starz hit show "Power", here referencing the main character James St. Patrick, whose street alias is "Ghost"
Tiger Backwoods — A reference to pro golfer Tiger Woods and Mero’s love for smoking backwoods
“I no fucking baby, I fucking man!” — A reference to the viral video that sent friend of the brand Pioladitingancia to fame
“Check the guest list again because my name is definitely on it, and no I’m not stepping to the side while you check! ” — Not so much a nickname but something Mero might have said back in the day when he was broke and had to lie about being on guest lists to get into clubs
CC Dab-bathia — A play on Yankees Starting Pitchers name, CC Sabathia (and close friend of the brand)
Goldman Shm-achs — A variation of the phrase made popular by Bobby Shmurda and a reference to Goldman Sachs.
Mensch Montana — An alias borrowed from French Montana (who is from South Bronx) and popular artist with the Bodega Boys. They have mentioned his classic Mac and Cheese mixtapes numerous times on the podcast. Also this is a nod to his Jewish family connection; Mensch is Yiddish for "good guy." (credit to u/chefboyardu)
The Da-da-da Dad of the year — A play on a lyric from ScHoolboy Qs song "Man of The Year" (credit u/ZeddyG2). Mero already has three Mero Jr’s and the bodega princess, and as far as we can tell is an awesome dad, thus earning such a title. Confirmed to be a ScHoolboy Q reference in episode 56
Been-Smacked Biyombo — A play on “Bismack Biyombo”, a professional basketball player on the Charlotte Hornets
Di-Yayo Maradona — Reference to Argentinean soccer legend Diego Maradona and slang for coke (credit to u/terminal-chillness)
Dick-in-ya-bae Mutombo — A play on Dikembe Mutombo, former NBA player. Mero now respects the woman’s agency and asks for permission first before entering
Barlos Santana — A play on famed guitarist Carlos Santana and Xanax bars
The Dominican Don Dada — Jamaican Patois slang (I believe) for “top pimp” or “big player”, and as we know Mero is of Dominican descent, hence “Dominican Don Dada”. The phrase "Jamaican Don Dada" is used by the character Lennox in the movie "Belly", which is a classic in hip hop culture (credit to u/a-1-since-day-1) He follows this up with "catch me at Locksmith throwing up on myself". Locksmith is a bar on 192nd & Broadway in Inwood, which is a REALLY Dominican NYC neighborhood (credit to u/terminal-chillness)
Some variation of "swipe my card again, put the bag over it, there's definitely money on it!" — A reference to a familiar experience for anyone who has been broke, in which you lie and act like it's the store's fault when your card gets declined
Romeo Xantos — A reference to famed Bachata artist and Xanax, Bachata being a dance and music style originating in the Dominican Republic. Also the added "Sooo xanny, lemme black out" is a play on Romeo's adlib "sooo nasty, lemme find out" (credit to u/terminal-chillness)
Light-an-L Dutchie "Hello? Is it weed you're looking for?" — Another weed double entendre referencing Lionel Richie and his famous song "Hello"
Papa Sushi, The Dyckman Don — A reference to often-referenced MamaSushi, a fusion sushi restaurant on Dyckman Street in Manhattan
Tom Brazy, your girl got my balls deflated — A boastful play on the Deflategate controversy surrounding Tom Brady and the New England Patriots after the 2014-2015 AFL Championship game
Feel-da-ass Tyson (CONSENSUALLY WITH YOUR PERMISSION) — A play on “Neil DeGrasse Tyson”, a well known physicist
Lil’ Snoozie Vert— A play on the name Lil Uzi Vert. This is also in reference for when Mero actually ‘tapped out’ on Instagram Live
Fry-an-L Messi — A play on Lionel Messi, a famous Argentinian soccer player of Italian descent, and smoking an "L", slang for blunt
Joe Hookah "I dare you! To smoke with me! At MamaSushi!" — A reference to rapper Black Rob's song "I Dare You" that features Joe Hooker on the hook. MamaSushi is a high-end restaurant chain located in New York
Ben Barson my hands are gifted — During the 2016 election cycle, famed neurosurgeon Ben Carson engaged in a brief campaign for the Republican nomination. Mero took to doing impressions of him, exaggerating Carson’s urban upbringing by saying he was “Ben Barson”, in which the “C” was replaced with a “B”, as a Blood gang member would. Unlike Desus, who almost never fumbles his nicknames, Mero has maybe said this one correctly one time
Xaniel Bedingfield — A play on Daniel Bedingfield followed by Mero playing "I Gotta Get Through This" a popular song by the artist Daniel Bedingfield with lyrics that are about Xanax (credit to u/KTTeal)
Some variation of “I’ll open your medicine cabinet and take all of your Benzos” — This is self-referential in two ways: 1. The earlier reference here is to when Mero admitted to Desus that he will unashamedly go through people’s medicine cabinets in order to snoop on their lives and 2. After the boat party story in which Mero got drunk and took some Xanax’s, he added “I’ll take all of your benzos” bit to express how much he enjoys the feeling Benzodiazepines create
The Xandman — This is a play on the musical artist “Scatman John” who was most known for his song “Scatman’s World”, the chorus of which Mero imitates with this name and the accompanying vocalization
Rico Sabroso — Spanish for “Rich Tasty”, but I’m not sure what the reference here is beyond that
Baby Newport — I assume a reference to Newport brand cigarettes, stereotypically popular in urban areas
Niño Brown — A reference to the main character of the film “New Jack City”, in which Wesley Snipes plays a crack dealer named Nino Brown, but pronounced like the Spanish word for "kid", giving it some Latino flavor (credit to u/Okieant33)
The East Tremont Stevie B — East Tremont is a predominately Hispanic area of the Bronx, while Stevie B was a recording artist from the 80’s with some incredible Jheri Curls. Sometimes sings "I want to be the one your Titi is fucking" after
I met Mike Francesca im never gon’ fail — A direct reference from when the Bodega Boys actually met Mike on the last episode on Desus & Mero on Viceland. In translation, this means after finally meeting with the iconic Sports Pope this makes him unstoppable. This is also a reference to Kanye West's song 'Ultralight Beam' where Chance the Rapper says "I met Kanye West, I'm never gonna fail" (credit to u/RemyDWD)
The Plantain Supernova in the Sky — A reference to the Oasis hit “Champagne Supernova”, but changed to reflect Mero’s Dominican heritage, which often uses plantains in its cuisine. Occasionally he will sing an extended version, which goes “One day you will find me, smoking weed on Tremont/in the Plantain Supernova in the sky”. How does he hit these melodies so perfectly every time?
Tom Petty and the Ball Breakers — A play on the rock band name ‘Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers’. Mero sings the chorus from Tom Petty’s solo project “Free Fallin’” as “Free Ballin’” suggesting that he feels free doing his Zoom calls without pants
Barmelo Xanthony — An incredible play on the Bodega Boy’s favorite NBA player, Carmelo Xanthony, and Mero’s beloved Xanax’s. (credit to u/terminal-chillness) Most recently, Mero has changed his references to him making sound financial decisions and balancing his portfolio since the interview with Carmelo himself on Desus & Mero on Showtime
Some variation of “If you see me in Target approach me like a bear” — Originates from Mero’s love of getting really high and hanging out in Target. Being high sometimes makes him paranoid, so he doesn’t like people just running up on him. Desus suggested people “approach him diagonally, like you would a bear”. Mero interchanges “bear”, “Ursine Mammal”, and “Oso” (Spanish for “bear”) at random
Benzo the Clown — A problematic clown for kids that ruins birthday parties and not refunding your $50 deposit. Originated on Episode 96, Desus starts talking about rolling up to Mero Jr’s bar mitzvah smacked. (credit to u/outtaspite) Benzo’s antics are normally cut short by Mr. Fun Fun (voiced by Desus) normally ending with the problematic light
I sold fake Lean to your favorite SoundCloud rapper — Not sure this is a specific reference other than the fact that Lean is pretty much a guaranteed accessory for any SoundCloud rapper and Actavis discontinued their codeine/promethazine cough syrup in 2014 due to abuse, so a lot of people are drinking fake Lean.
"Llego el hijo de Tito y Fifa papi"/"The son of Tito and Fifa has arrived, papi — In later episodes, Mero began to include some Spanish phrases at the end of his list of aliases, usually beginning with this phrase and building off of it. When Mero does this he also says "Hassan tira me lo pita" which is slang for "Hassan drop me a beat". Mero is making pretend that he's a DJ on NY's Spanish Radio Station 97.9 La Mega. Mero from here goes on to talk all kinds of shit about how hard and gangster he is. (credit to u/bobbuddha and u/Okieant33)
Please correct me if you have ideas or see mistakes!
​
Discontinued aliases:
Desus

• Young Green Room
• Desus Vice
• Vice-K Matsuzaka
• Kristap Por-sling-dick
• The Human Jerry Curl

Mero

• Blem de la blem
• Young Pap Smear
• Metro Bloomin' Onion (credit to u/raybegleiter)
• Fry-an-L Messi (Mero at one point said this instead of "Light-an-L Messi", he'll probably go back and forth)
• Papi Shampoo
• Lucious Lyon-ass nigga
• David Trizz-Dale

Artist: Eminem
Album: Music To Be Murdered By & B Side
Listen:
Youtube
Spotify
Apple Music
Background
Eminem is a household name in hip hop; with the highest sales of all time and worldwide appeal he stands commercially as biggest rapper of all time. Following Dr. Dre's discovery of Marshall Bruce Mathers III's Slim Shady EP, music was dominated on a level comparable only to that of Elvis, The Beatles, or Michael Jackson by classic after classic from Eminem, paving the way for future rappers in previously inaccessible avenues. The Slim Shady LP, The Marshall Mathers LP, and The Eminem Showremain cemented as classics even in the eyes of Em's harshest critics. Unfortunately the run of success came to an end; in the mid-2000s, Eminem fell deep into opiate and benzodiazepine addiction, going on a hiatus from music during which he was devastated by the death of his best friend, fellow Detroit rapper and member of D12, Deshaun Holton AKA Proof. This culminated in a 2007 overdose that nearly killed Em as he recounts in the song "Deja Vu", a few following which he eventually reached sobriety (a streak which turned 12 in April) and return to music with Relapse. With his daughters aging, a sober Eminem found himself separated from the partying of his earlier days and took on a position much more isolated from his old lifestyle and the rest of the hip hop world. Relapse's current status as a cult classic and its inspiration of prolific artists Tyler, the Creator and Earl Sweatshirt didn't save it from disappointing lukewarm critical reception, which Em responded to by appealing to the critics and the billboard with the simpler pop approach of Recovery, once again topping the charts and sweeping awards and making him the best selling male artist of the 2010s. However, the formulaic commercial approach of Recovery was largely ditched for an ambitious retro-sounding, life and career reflecting 2013 project, The Marshall Mathers LP 2. With each project in his post-hiatus trilogy, Em had reached boldly in new creative directions and found partial success in the eyes of critics and fans, but his struggles frustration persisted as he aged and could never quite retain the universal captivation or level of artistry from his peak, even in his own eyes.
Em's career took a turn for the worse in 2017 with the release of Revival, an album where he attempted some of his most vulnerable cuts yet, including "Walk on Water", "In Your Head", "Castle", and "Arose." However this album was bashed almost universally by critics and fans; its tracklist was plagued with disappointing pop features, some of Em's worst-ever punchlines, and an overall failure to deliver to listeners sonically and stylistically even on tracks with poignant messages like "Untouchable." Eminem took Revival's criticism personally, but he had no interest in another Recovery-esque "comeback" in the eyes of commercial audiences; in 2018, less than a year after Revival's release, he responded to criticism and took shots at a slew of his detractors and peer rappers from MGK to Joe Budden to Tyler, the Creator. With that uncharacteristically short recording period, the album was Em's shortest and structured loosely with less aggressive or thematic tracks like "Stepping Stone," "Venom," and "Normal" sharing space with the album's more thematic tracks from "The Ringer" to "Fall," giving Kamikaze a strange place in Em's discography. The project stands more as both a response to Revivaland a collection of Em's songs at the time than a cohesive and full Eminem album.
Following Kamikaze's debacle surrounding Revival, 2019's Mathers found himself, for the most part, back at square one artistically. During the recording process, Em found himself exploring in old and new directions; he collaborated with long-time close partners like Royce Da 5'9, Dr. Dre, Denaun Porter, and Skylar Grey, but he also chased a long-awaited modern sound update after largely ignoring contemporary sounds for years prior to Kamikaze. To help achieve this he collaborated with a number of new generation artists for features including Anderson .Paak, Young M.A, Don Toliver and perhaps most notably the now-late JUICE WRLD, whom the new album is dedicated to (as well as Em's bodyguard CeeAaqil Allah Barnes, who also passed in 2019). Following Em's new release strategy of choice, Music To Be Murdered By and its "Darkness" music video released without any prior promotion or announcement on January 17th, 2020.
Over the course of 2020, Eminem was almost uncharacteristically quiet in terms of promotion of MTBMB (aside from his video for "Godzilla"), at least in part due to the Coronavirus pandemic and lockdown, and it seemed that any plans for post-release MTBMB content had been scrapped with rumors of an entirely new Eminem album circulating by October; that all changed days before December 18th, 2020, when the cover and title of Eminem's coming release leaked. On that date he mirrored the album's original release with a "Gnat" video and sudden release of its supplemental piece, Side B.
Review:
I'll start by taking a look at Eminem's original release and Side B as projects in and of their own track by track, and then, in Part 3 of this review, take a look at the grander scheme of Music To Be Murdered By.
Part 1: Side A Track By Track
Music To Be Murdered By opens on "Premonition" with a skit that begins the loose horror core association with Alfred Hitchcock's album of the same title; Em sleekly rides the beat and gives his last full address to the buzz surrounding Kamikaze before diving into the new experience and new point of view that this project takes.
Following it, "Unaccommodating" has a verse from Young M.A., one of many surprising features from the album, and an impressive Eminem performance that has one of the smoothest flows on the album, showcasing a newly slickly performative, intense as ever but once again relaxed and calculated Eminem and the sort of unpredictable collaboration that hints at what is to come.
"You Gon' Learn" is an undeniable standout of the project. With Bad Meets Evil over Royce Da 5'9's production, we receive a standout powerful verse from Royce describing his personal struggles that builds into a more conscious verse leaving us with the line, "Segregation is bein' told where I'm gonna go / Separation is bein' woke and goin' wherever I wanna go." Em follows with, in my opinion, the best verse on the album, where Eminem takes us from another retelling of his own young struggles to an aggressive and epic layered verse declaring and, in a way, reclaiming his own greatness with shots at Tee Grizzley and competition in general along the way.
On "Those Kinda Nights" Em playfully reminisces on simpler times on another Ed Sheeran collaboration, showing his more personal fun side as he does often throughout these projects and developing a new type of playful edge in his modern middle-aged music.
The following "In Too Deep" brings Eminem's most developed relationship track since Recovery, deeply detailing Eminem's melancholy and desperate entanglement with a married woman in the midst of his own entanglement. The most striking feature of this track is that Eminem grows very specific and almost realer in the track, while many of his post-hiatus relationship-focused tracks have been fairly generic and generally regarded as misses, Em here drops the shyness in his writing and presents a complete story with renewed emotional pull.
"Godzilla" with JUICE WRLD absolutely slaps with Eminem delivering energetic verses over an incredibly infectious bass line, complemented wonderfully JUICE WRLD's hook, among the most memorable moments on the album, meshing perfectly and proving that an unlikely intergeneration collaboration with Eminem can succeed, which we see become a pattern throughout the album. This track easily ranks among Em's most iconic post-hiatus bangers, is one of the most repayable tracks on the album, and, in my opinion, showcases how effective Eminem's modern reinvention of himself can be.
"Darkness" is a chilling note on the album and a feat of a double entendre. Eminem's always-strong storytelling shines at its best on this song as he unravels a tale of a breakdown of his own and gives us a very sobering look at the 2017 Las Vegas shooting, the largest mass shooting in American history and one that remains largely shrouded in mystery. Eminem does not directly call for gun control in the song (though he does in the previously linked music video), but certainly makes for an effective commentator on the state of American society and succeeds in a classic political stands of his prime like those of "Mosh," "Square Dance," or "We As Americans." The latter of which is notably a track he has clearly changed since the making of as the modern equivalent of the line "They took away my right to bear arms / What I'm 'posed to fight with, bare palms?" is now flipped on its head with lines like "Finger on the trigger, but I'm a licensed owner / With no prior convictions, so law says sky's the limit / So my supply's infinite, strapped like I'm a soldier," so he's clearly pulled from a variety of viewpoints over the course of time.
Eminem continues with another dark note on "Leaving Heaven," where he addresses his father Marshall Mathers II's 2019 death in a bow-out track where he lashes out with a final release of anger towards his father. Its verses flash back to Em's youth and struggles that ultimately all tie into his father's abandonment. Its last verse is extremely potent and finds Em in a final climax of rage, after which he mutters "so I'ma let it go now" in the outro. There's a palpable potency and rawness in this song, and it feels like Eminem is finally, but painfully, closing a chapter of his life.
"Yah Yah" bursts into one's ears with an obnoxious, loud, and fun instrumental. We get a lineup of standout verses here Royce Da 5'9", Q-Tip, and Black Thought here, along with Denaun's assistance on the hook. Black Thought's verse is particularly impressive here and one of the album's standouts. Eminem himself finishes the track off with a skilled verse that pays tribute number of past icons. This track featured one of the album's most memorable and energetic instrumentals and an all-star lineup from a rapping standpoint.
On "Stepdad" Eminem does oddly playful and exaggerated storytelling of a conflict with his stepfather over a nice instrumental from Alchemist. The hook is a bit bizarre here. This was an interesting and even divisive song for Em to put out. It also brings us solidly into the out-of-the-box segment of the album.
"Marsh" delivers some of the album's most bizarre verses and content. Wordplay and off-the-wall deliveries are at the center here, and the second verse is definitely the standout. He's aggressive but "alien" on this track in a way that remains fresh, compelling, and surprising after a number of listens. Em's direction here seems to further develop on "Little Engine" with the strange, playful, and sometimes a bit nonsensically "alien" energy he brings.
"Never Love Again" is another track-wide double entendre but in a vein very different from "Darkness." Em delivers verses comparing a relationship to his drug addiction and uses said relationship as a vehicle for a passionate expression of his lingering yearning to break his sobriety. In the final verse the song grows more intense and Em grows more emotional in his voice with allusions to a downward spiral and relapse that he seems to feel all too close to actually resorting to. The instrumental here is also a standout that smoothy matches him before and after the transition to that final verse, and I'd say this was all-around one of the best executed tracks.
"Little Engine" comes in with an eerie beat from Dre and one of the album's zaniest and smoothest deliveries as Em delivers where he's both playful and seems to fully let himself loose with fun and entertaining verses. It's one of the best sounding songs with perhaps the most Hitchcock-y horror touched synth line and overall lands very successfully sonically. Em's delivery here is also at its best with his rapping sounding at its smoothest and most relaxed while still backflipping with his rhymes.
The Anderson .Paak collaboration, "Lock It Up," is another great unlikely collaboration from this project. The beat manages to fit both parties, and Paak leads us into the song with an excellent verse that keeps one engrossed in the song with the smoothness of his voice; he excels on the hook too. Em's verses here are well-done and fairly standard for this project, but perhaps the most impressive part of them Em managed to combine his verses here with a very modern and currently hot sound in territory that seems very far from his own and still deliver a banger without compromising his own style or artistry.
"Farewell" is a more lighthearted heartbreak song with an upbeat sound that approaches a dysfunctional concept again, similarly to "In Too Deep," but with the more frequent wordplay and tone Em takes here with the hook, this track definitely doesn't run as deep and resembles a fairly typical modern Eminem frustrated relationship song.
"No Regrets" with Don Toliver again infuses a modern hook with Eminem with a surprisingly strong mesh. Eminem takes to reflecting here and finally directly returns to the Kamikaze beef and others since; he ironically expresses regret (semi-backhandedly at that) for his comments on "Fall" towards Tyler, the Creator and Earl Sweatshirt and expresses his feeling that they didn't really deserve his attacks. His verses here are again pretty strong and settle Em again into a Mathers LP 2 form of hindsight.
The project closes with "I Will," featuring Slaughterhouse minus Joe Budden. Royce and Crook deliver excellent aggressive verses here and Crook's John Wilkes Booth scheme features some of the album's standout lines. Eminem takes us out in the latter portion of the track befittingly with one of the most dense, memorable, and epic verses of the album featuring his reply to Lord Jamar. Em's long verse here is more than enough to end this album on a high-note. "I Will" also has one of the more intense and certainly most memorable hooks on the project.
Part 2: Side B Track By Track
Eminem bring us into this album with "Black Magic," a relationship track that touches on the more personal themes of this project, detailing a faithless and failing relationship of his and imagines himself murdering his partner, transitioning into the skit that opens Side A on "Premonition." This is a track to watch as it is one of the threads we can see woven throughout the collection of songs, one in a similar vein to "In Too Deep," and one with a theme that will be pay off in one of my favorite tracks from Em here.
"Alfred's Theme," with its clowwnlike beat, finds Eminem hitting his stride and making a very effective statement about his place in music-making. He's playful with every line on this track, but he absolutely murders the beat with some hypnotizing cadences, slick alternating flows, and classic lyrical backflipping; he's said in interviews that he feels many of the lines and songs he's made are taken too seriously. It becomes evident here that Eminem is embracing the fun element of his music-making, and with this standout track it becomes easy to have fun with him.
"Tone Deaf" is "Alfred's Theme"'s obnoxious twin and (ironically) solidifies the tone of Side B. With another lighthearted beat Eminem continues some of his lyrical gymnastics mixed with trolling and a hook and some points of the song that reference Eminem's long discussed "tone deafness," and stating that it's "okay not to like [his] shit." The track in conjunction with its predecessor establish pretty clearly that Em has nothing to do but continue making music for himself and does so often with playful intent. Some people might not listen, but Eminem could not explain his current direction more clearly than he has here.
On "Book of Rhymes," Side B heats up with assistance from DJ Premier. Eminem transitions from the early album sarcasm to more aggressive rapping and flows and standout verses towards the end of the song. It also marks the beginning of a lineup of collaborations that complement Side A's.
The Ty Dolla $ign collaboration "Favorite Bitch" presents a familiar concept for Eminem, the feeling that music has passed him by. The memorable hook from Ty, the intro, and the beginning all seem critical of contemporaries or even bitter. As the song progresses, though, Em builds the concept to a more serious and personal point of expressing his own frustration with having left his childhood and "golden age" hip hop behind, recounting memories not from his prime but from days before he really even rapped. He finishes the track by sort of reversing the concept Ty presented in the intro and breaks the relationship symbolism, saying "truthfully it was never you and me exclusively" and expressing both his current ambition and an optimistic take on the future of hip hop. He grapples with and seemingly moves forward from the dismay of leaving his simplest, happiest times behind along with his generation-divide-driven frustrations in recent years.
"Guns Blazing" is a long-awaited Dr. Dre Eminem collaboration that we haven't seen on an Eminem album since 2009. Dre's rare appearance is warranted; on the track he expresses his post-breakup disillusionment and takes shots at his ex-wife, Nicole Young, whom he split with in 2020. Dre had perfect timing as Eminem's verse becomes the culmination of not only the strong hook and post-breakup anthemic nature of this track but of the many, sometimes-vague relationship tracks he's done for years, more specifically the ones where he explored his relationship troubles in greater detail like "In Too Deep" and "Black Magic" from this 2020. He almost suddenly reveals way more details than he has about any relationship of his post-Kim (or Mariah Carey?) despite the volume of 2010s relationship tracks he made, and his strained relationship of the two tracks mentioned has now apparently gone sour entirely. With his verse matches Dre's fierce shots at his mysterious now-ex Michelle. This track paid off majorly with Dre's appearance and Em's intense and captivating verse on his mysterious "In Too Deep"-type relationship. It's the necessary serious note of Side B.
"Gnat" is Eminem finding his modern element once again with verses and a hook largely focused on current events over more d.a. got that dope beats. It's another track where Eminem is very playful lyrically and makes a variety of plays and references on the situation surrounding Coronavirus. The highlights in his rapping here are certainly in the post-beat switch portion with a bizarre and surprising flow.
The anthemic "Higher" with its staticky production line is familiar territory for Eminem and a pretty familiar concept for Eminem. He feels more optimistic than ever and delivers verses both content with his success and ambitious streak; similarly on Favorite Bitch, he describes an itching ambition to exceed his own peak and boldly claims that career highlights remain.
"These Demons" may be the most unexpected 2020 Eminem collaboration. The MAJ hook connects sonically surprisingly well with Eminem's verses, and Em jumps across a variety of topics and flows gymnastically again, touching on public frustration with him, his frustration with policing, and a myriad of comic moments.
"Key" is the only skit on either side of this album and is extremely entertaining in a way reminiscent of the funnier moments of Encore. It's more apparent than ever here how playful and comical Em was in the creation of Side B.
"She Loves Me" is a bright-sounding song with poppy catchy brass elements and effective execution on the hook where Em revisits some flirtatious tropes and lightheartedly tells the story of a woman infatuated with him only because of his image and status as a superstar. "You only love me 'cause I'm superman" gives us an idea of how Em's level of fame can trap him, but Em isn't bogged down at this moment.
"Killer" is an effort at a club banger but with 48-year-old Eminem. I feel that with this track Em finally attained his ideal fun track. The song may dad-joke lines, Em's middle aged style style, and no chance at actual club play, but the beat sure slaps. Em's slick, calm gymnastic flow is also at its very best on this track, and he blends perfectly with a Tyga-type beat with his own unique brand of middle aged but bouncy energy that fully realizes a concept Em has attempted in recent years. It's a new, not equivalent, modern realization of Eminem's direction on a song like "Shake That."
"Zeus" with White Gold sees Em reflecting on his own position and how trends, fans, and peers, will often flip on artists and music for the sake of narrative or even just having something to rag on; it's also got the most widely discussed content on Side B. White Gold's chorus is another standout feature and a surprising collaboration that was pulled off surprisingly well. Em names Drake and other peers and addresses them with a warning as they age, audiences will ultimately disregard them one way or another. Most notably Eminem mentions Snoop Dogg in the context of the fellow Dr. Dre protege and once-collaborator of his' comments downplaying or disregarding Em's music quality, recently stating that he "can live without" Em's music, though he's made similar comments on multiple occasion. Em doesn't seriously attack anyone in this track Kamikaze-style, but he does reciprocate shade in many directions.
"Discombobulated" is the fan favorite of this album for obvious reasons; Eminem comes together with Dr. Dre in the studio for a track that resembles Relapse, sort of. He uses an accent similar to those of Relapse towards the beginning and on the hook in a way that certainly adds to the feel of the song, but this song is no Relapse 2 leftover. The verses, even , but what invokes the energetic feel similar to that of say..."Old Time's Sake," is Eminem's zany off-the-wall deliveries where he finally seems to let himself get carried away with his energy and rapping in a way that brings the listener in with him along with an instrumental and hook to match. He's doesn't try to replicate the old sound he revisits, but he brings the same out-of-the-box and zany energy to make an infectious closer that lives up to Relapse in Eminem's latest direction.
Part 3: Overview
Interludes and references to Alfred Hitchcock's largely instrumental album of the same title are scattered throughout both albums as a motif, but Music To Be Murdered By definitely isn't defined by this motif on either side. This definitely doesn't really stray from Hitchcock's album seeing as it literally directly includes most of the "lyrics" from it on interludes. Em alludes to himself "murdering" things and compares himself to Hitchcock, but when looking at his releases here as a whole we find Eminem exploring a number of concepts and delivering a fairly loose collection of songs.
There's a lot to love in Music To Be Murdered By. He delivers a good amount of everything; there are tracks with a surprisingly modern appeal and successful collaborations all over both sides from "Godzilla" to "Zeus" to "Lock It Up," or really close to every other track you look at, that wouldn't have seemed feasible in 2019. On Side A, Em focuses on some of his gravest themes with tracks like "Leaving Heaven" and "Darkness" and pulls that off, and he still traditionally approached tracks like "You Gon' Learn," "Yah Yah," or "I Will" where he collaborates with rappers in his own wheelhouse. He builds upon concepts and carries them from song to song and side to side that make the project more refreshing overall with both the zanier tracks and the relationship threads. All four relationship songs on both sides of the album seem to touch on a similar topic; the compelling storytelling of the mystery girl in "In Too Deep" pays off majorly in "Guns Blazing." The icing on the cake to a "Marsh" or a "Little Engine" is the direct Relapse throwback elements of the fan favorite "Discombobulated."
Side B here is shorter and is definitely a bonus round; most of the tracks on it feature a consistently much less serious Eminem, but as a supplement it works fairly well and complements many of the threads in Side A. It absolutely matches the energy of Side A outside of the heaviest moments of its predecessor, which make sense considering the most important pieces shouldn't be in the deluxe. Beyond some of the goofy lyricism though, Em really seems to be relatively relaxed and in his zone and improves his flows and comes back with production that at points exceeds Side A's.
Em's project here isn't overtly conceptual or a united statement; he has artistic moments where he reaches in a variety of directions and succeeds in many of them, and from the standpoint of 2020 Eminem and his 2020 fanbase, he absolutely got it right. Eminem gets a real stylistic update with Music To Be Murdered By, and he explores a variety of directions that have a variety of appeals. That's not to say the transitions are jarring or that the album isn't worth listening to, of course. Eminem takes a very necessary step back following Kamikaze and a period where his primary focus in music was embroiling himself in feuds over criticism of his music, which only could've grown more stale and meta as time went on. Instead the project feels like a fruitful and refreshing reinvention where Em returns with new sounds and explores a number of types of songs and directions across it. For a fan or a fanbase, an album like this almost guarantees some highlight moments because it has a touch of everything.
With all that said, all I can say that the quality of this album is definitely impressive and has many many tracks that I enjoyed, and as I said, as its not united in the directions it takes, meaning what may be a dud for me will be many another fan's favorite track. Eminem's collaborations with younger artists on a song level have definitely been surprisingly great across both sides as has his direction with the relationship tracks that seem specific to "Michelle" or whoever the person from "In Too Deep" and "Guns Blazing" really is; the more personal content seems to help him craft "Eminem relationship songs" that finally don't feel as tired or generic as many he's put out. I've focused on singing the praises of most of these songs for obvious reasons; though I'm not crazy about some, I do genuinely appreciate and really enjoy the quality here in my own listenings. Eminem's removal from the post-2017 fiasco yielded a lot of great songs that amount to a strong and interesting project that really returns him to form and some promising artistic directions.
Standout Songs
"You Gon' Learn," "Godzilla," "Darkness," "Leaving Heaven," "Yah Yah," "Never Love Again," "Little Engine," "Lock It Up," "I Will," "Alfred's Theme," "Guns Blazing," "Killer," "Zeus," "Discombobulated"
Favorite Lyrics (with some assistance from u/Botiz's Eminem server)
"Why do I feel responsible for these kids? / All of whom I'm a father to / I'm a God to you, y'all better worship the water I walk on / Or y'all gonna meet your Waterloo" - You Gon' Learn
"I'm asking for a pass to go to Hell / So I can whip your fucking ass" - Leaving Heaven
(specifically memorable in the context of his dad dying)
"Now this will probably be the most illest shit that I've ever said / God bless the dead and let Biggie possess the pencil lead" & "My image, I have zero time or regard for A never-was, been claiming rap when it's not yours If it was anyone's house, G Rap and Rakim would be havin' you mop floors Run-DMC would be havin' you cleanin' sinks Yeah, your group was off the chain, but you were the weakest link" - I Will
"I can rhyme orange with banana, oranana" - Tone Deaf
Discussion Questions
How'd you feel about these albums? Do you prefer Side B or Side A? Both? Neither? What were your favorite songs off each?
Are you happy with the current direction, or would you like to see Em do a more streamlined or concept-driven release? Would you prefer a project with a different arrangement of some of these songs?
Since Eminem seems to be collaborating with so many younger artists that you'd think clash with his style, who would you like to see him collaborate with in the future? Which feature was your favorite?
What's your favorite (or least favorite) of the many, many laughable or tongue-in-cheek Side B lyrics? Side A moments in the same vein welcome too.
What are your expectations for Eminem music in the future as he enters his 50s?

The human gazed at the aliens around him and knew, just knew, he was in a LOT of trouble.
They were not much to look at. Small. Furry. Possessing faintly rodent like features. Their powerful hindlegs had them leaping quite large distances. When humans first encountered this species their initial impression was of some kind of hybrid of Kangaroos, harvest mice and Hobbits.
Their gentle and passive nature and their habit of communal sleeping had led humans to call them ‘Dormice’ out of affection.
The human wanted, very much wanted, to go back home and inform his fellow humans that this was a bad idea. A very bad idea.
The Yucani did not appreciate the term. The Yucani did not appreciate a lot of things. Mostly, right now, this group of about 400 of them did not appreciate him.
Their angry chirps and trills grow in intensity as they hopped angrily around him. Younger males would seemingly leap towards him at high speed, before landing close with a furious hissing noise. While the human could speak Yucani, he could barely understand them as they trilled so quickly. He held up his hands in what he hoped was a universal sign of surrender.
The human may not have been an expert on Yucani culture, but he was fairly sure he knew what a lynch mob looked like. The mass of small creatures had cornered him against a wall and continued to gaze at him balefully. Each passing moment they seemed to increase in anger, in their aggression, in their potential for violence.
A stone slammed into the wall besides him.
Three things happened immediately. The human saw the stones arrival seemed to give the Yucani the idea that this was a brilliant innovation.
Oh crap! They are going to stone me!
The largest Yucani in the mob, stood about seven feet away from him, suddenly removed a vicious looking knife, with a long serrated edge.
It’s gonna stab me!
And a roar of a Yucani constabulary patrol ship suddenly was heard, its distinctive sound causing many of the small creatures at the back to turn their heads.
The police! They’re gonna save me!
As the vechicle moved closer, more and more of the mob heard it and the human was very relieved to see that they didn’t start picking up rocks and the one with a knife, his large brown eyes filled with fury and rage, slowly returned the knife back to his clothing.
The craft landed, and six Yucani got out; their green uniforms were armoured, which made them look actually impressive (the human had long ago realised that only the larger members of the race were ever chosen for their constabulary).
They slowly hopped towards the mob, who had now turned and were trilling and squeaking in high pitched tones towards the newly arrived officers.
The human gulped down a breath of air. The sense of relief and gratitude he felt was immense. He was saved. As the officers made their way towards him, the crowd parting, he felt his legs go weak. He wanted to collapse. But he managed to hold it together long enough, to offer a grateful smile as one finally made his way towards him, dividing his fellow Yuanci like the Moses before the Red Sea.
“I am very happy to see you,” says the human, smiling down at the Yucani constabulary officer. It responds by removing a short grey metallic pole and jabbing it into the humans leg.
Pain. SO much pain. A searing, agonising, exploding pain that begins in his leg and races through every single nerve cluster in his body. The human convulses and screams, his bladder empties and he almost instantly drops into unconsciousness from the agony. He falls into a crumpled heap against the wall. The Yucani officer, ignoring the little cheer that had began from his fellow species, gazed down at the human with contempt and spat.
Two months later…
The young human, manacled and bound is thrown into the small conference room the aliens had built for this meeting. His eyes glance up and fall upon the first human face he had seen in many weeks.
“Oh God, thank you. Are you here to save me?”
The other human was in his fifties; his eyes bore the look of a man who had seen many things, perhaps too many. His suit was well made, sensible, if not slightly on the conservative side.
In response to the question he smiles gently and says, “Kid, I’m fairly sure only God can save you. But I am here to try and help with the mess you are in.”
Relief, mixed with wild joy fill the prisoners face. The younger man spots a chair to sit in (the room had the familiar setting of two human shaped chairs and a desk between them), and falls into it in a heap, his manacled hands landing heavily upon the table.
“Oh, thank you! You need to get me off this planet. The conditions I’ve been kept in have been awful. I am totally isolated. A hole in the ground with a large vent in the ceiling. They throw food down to me. The place stinks.”
The older man raises an eyebrow, “That’s good. You getting off lightly.”
“Lightly? The entire thing stinks like a sewer.”
“That’s because it probably IS a sewer,” shrugs the older man, reaching for a briefcase by his side.
“What?”
“Yucani prisons. They don’t incarcerate anyone but worst offenders on their world. The closest they have to prisons are specially made sewers.”
“That’s…”
“Tell me, have random Yucani been coming along and urinating and crapping into your cell as they pass?”
“What? No. That’s horrible.”
As the older man places his briefcase upon the table between them, he smiles a cold, tight smile, “The Yucani word for ‘prisoner’ literally translates into English as ‘Eaters of Our Shit’. I think the fact that they are throwing you human food and not pissing on you qualifies as light treatment.”
The younger man’s jaw just drops. A stunned look of absolute horror crosses his face. The older human uses this as an excuse to open his briefcase, remove a heafty file in a manilla cover out (it lands on the table with a satisfying heavy sound), closes the briefcase and places it on the floor besides him.
“Are you from the Embassy?”
“No. I just arrived in-world an hour ago. Four days at warp. My guts feel mushy.”
“Oh. Are you a lawyer?”
“I afraid not. Formally the excuse the Embassy will give you is there are no humans conversant in the intricacies of Yucani jurisprudence to be able to offer effective advice. Off the record? No lawyer in the entire solar system would touch your case. So, they sent me. I’m a specialist.”
“What in?”
“Apparently being human,” says the older man, who opens the folder and begins scanning the pages underneath. The younger man is too confused to say anything which suits the older one just fine. He glances up into the scared eyes of the prisoner.
“Andrew Montgomery Eversham, born 2118, Britain. British? Should have figured. Father was an engineer on Ares station, mother was… French. Well that explains much.”
“What does my mother have to do with anything?”
The older man gazes him up and down and asks, “Only child huh?”
“Yes. Why?”
“Thought so. Right, Mr Eversham. Do you know what they are charging you with?”
“No one has told me anything at all. I was performing, and the next thing I know I was being chased by a mob of angry Dormice, and then one of their police…”
“Yucani. Not Dormice.”
“What?” Eversham’s eyes widen, and he nods, “Yes, right. I know. I figured that out. But you know its just us here.”
“Saying Dormouse to describe a Yucani is like being home and using the word ‘Kike’. It’s a derogative term. An insult. Maybe not enough to get you punched, but we don’t do that.”
“Alright. Yes. I understand. I will try. Good job you ain’t Jewish eh?”
“Bad news I’m afraid. I am.”
“Oh.”
The older man scans through the documents and frowns.
“You are charged with a multitude of offenses. The first of which is Causing Great Disgust of Public Morals; Crude and Offensive Language; Heresy towards the Gods of the Yucani; Causing a Disturbance of the Peace… what were you doing?”
“I was doing my routine.”
“Routine?”
“I’m a comedian. Stand up.”
There was a raised eyebrow.
“You are comedian?”
“Yes.”
“And you caused this reaction?”
“Apparently.”
“Gonna say Kid, I’d work on your act.”
Eversham blinks and his face contorts with frustration, “Are you here to help me or not?”
The older man however just gazes at the file before him, “As well as the above you are charged with Inciting a Yucani to Wish to Commit Violence- this is a serious offense by itself, but they have charged you with inciting every individual in the crowd who heard you. So that’s 496 separate charges. And given each one carries a possible death sentence…”
“Death sentence? I could die?”
The older man smiles coldly across the table, “And we haven’t even gotten onto the serious allegations yet. So far, its just been the warm up. Now it says here that you perform under a different name.”
“Yeah. Abe Froman.”
“What?”
“Abe Froman. You know from that old movie.”
“What old movie?”
“A 20th century classic. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. The character of Abe Froman- the Sausage King of Chicargo? You must have heard of it?”
The older human raises his eyebrows high.
“No ‘Abe’ I haven’t. Neither have the Yucani. Which means they arrested someone called Abe Froman, only then to discover his real name is Andrew Eversham.”
“It’s my stage name.”
“The Yuctani don’t have concepts for ‘stage names’. All they know is a human arrived on planet with one name and then started using another name once here. And THIS is why they have charged you with espionage.”
“ESPIONAGE!!?”
“Yes. Specifically, because of the two names thing. And THEN because they think you are some kind of human agent, but don’t know what exactly you could have been up to, they assume the worst and charged you with everything they think you COULD have been here to do. That’s what the rest of the folder is.”
Andrew gazes at the thick pages with a look of absolute terror. The older humans eyes begin scanning; “So, from the top, ‘Suspected of Wishing to Assassinate the Emperor of the Yucani; Suspected of wishing to Assassinate the Chancellor of the Emperor of the Yucani…”
He moves forward a few pages.
“Suspected of wishing to put poison in the water supply of the cities of Heshis and Jebin…”
“But I…”
The older man lifts up more pages and smiles, “Suspected of seeking to violate the sacred virginity of the High Priestess of Rho- that’s impressive.”
“Are you serious? This is a joke.”
“Deadly serious,” hisses the old man, who closes the file with a loud thump. He fixes Eversham with a fierce stare.
“I gotta tell you ‘Abe’- you are in so much trouble right now that EarthGov is an inch away from washing their hands of you, throwing you to the Yucani and letting them take dumps on your for the rest of your short life. I am, literally, the only hope in hell you have of surviving and if I’m being honest- it aint much of a hope.”
“But it was just a few jokes,” mews Eversham, his eyes welling up with tears.
“Who thought it would be a good idea to travel to another planet and do stand up comedy?”
“My agent.”
“Your agent? What did you do? Sleep with his wife?”
“No,” comes the panicked reply.
“Didn’t you even do some basic research on what the Yucani considered humour?”
“No. I thought it would be more interesting to just turn up and see how they reacted to human jokes… you know… see the raw reaction.”
The older man is briefly speechless. He takes a breath and says quietly, “Gotta admire your chutzpah Kid. Not smart but that’s a LOT of chutzpah…”
“Why would EarthGov throw me under the bus? I don’t understand. I screwed up sure, but…”
He stops as the older man just holds up a hand. He gazes into his eyes as the first human he has seen in months speaks very quietly.
“Here’s the deal. As far as we can tell, a couple of months ago, this young human leaves Earth and flies to Yucani homeworld. He passes customs, checks into a Yucani version of a hotel and asks if they have versions of ‘clubs’. He discovers that, being social creatures, Yucani do indeed have these places where they gather to be entertained. Brilliant says he. The human goes to one of these. This human, he is not entirely ignorant- he’s learned basic Yucani. Not much, but enough to converse conversationally.”
The older mans stare nails the young man to his chair.
“So he goes there and meets the Yucani in charge. Explains that he is a ‘human entertainer’. Asks if he can perform. The Yucani, like the rest of his species? They get on well with us. We share similar traits. We have had good relations since the Treaty of Commerce and Travel was signed fifteen years ago. Sure, he says. He announces this human. Who gets on stage. But does not sing. Doesn’t dance. He talks. He talks to them. He says some pretty damn insulting things about them. He ignores their obvious growls of displeasure.”
“I thought they were laughing!”
“You thought wrong kid. The crowd sat for about twenty minutes getting madder and then decides enough is enough. They chase him out of the club, across two streets and corner him outside of his hotel. Where he is arrested and not lynched because the club owner rang the constabulary. Have I missed anything out?”
“No,” says Eversham quietly.
“So the EarthGov embassy gets informed of all this and do what they do and move to smooth ruffled fur. It’s just a misunderstanding they say. It’s an easy mistake they say. Their records show he is JUST a comedian. But here’s the thing kid. Yucani don’t have comedians. They don’t get it. So the Ambassador tries to explain it to them. Which in turn leads to a discussion about a very unique trait we humans have that Yucani do NOT have. Know what that is?”
“A sense of humour?” Eversham says, literally unable to help himself. He is surprised at the response.
“Well spotted. They have one but it is nothing like our own. They became fascinated at our sense of humour and then in quick measure, horrified at it. They find the very essence of human humour to be offensive, aggressive, cruel and vicious. Their government is considering tearing up the Treaty between our two races. Literally, your little stunt has caused the MOTHER of all diplomatic incidents.”
“I… I had… no idea,” stammers the Englishman.
“That comes as no surprise to me whatsoever,” comes the hissed reply. The older man sighs and rubs his eyes and continues. “Now the GOOD news is, given the severity of the charges you face, the nature of the issue, and the sheer monumental insanity of this whole thing, the Yucani have decided to not bother with all the minor courts, judges, appleant proceadures. You are going to be tried by the top court on the planet. The Ultimate Court. One trial, one hearing, one.”
Eversham just nods.
“The bad news is, it won’t be you alone on trial. It will be the entire human species. And our sense of humour. Somehow, just somehow, we have to convince these creatures that actually our sense of humour isn’t just an awful trait that they find offensive. And that means somehow, just somehow, I’ve got to defend human comedy in front of a species who has no concept of comedy at all.”
The older man sighs.
“And I thought raising my eldest daughter was tough!”
There is a silence. The full weight of the moment clearly hits the young man. He lowers his head and fights back tears. Eventually, without looking up, he says quietly.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sure you are kid.”
“I’ve been a fool.”
“This much EVERYONE can agree upon.”
“I never meant to cause this…”
The older man sighs again, “I know you didn’t kid. Everyone knows you didn’t MEAN it. Doesn’t make it any easier for folks back home.”
Andrew Eversham nods. Displaying the stoicism his nation was famed for, he remains very quiet. Tears drip off his nose but he makes no sound. The older man just looks at him, an iota of sympathy creeping into his sad eyes. Moments pass. Eversham finally speaks.
“It… maybe it would be better if everyone just wrote me off. Said I was insane. Aberrational. Throw me under the bus. Let everyone get on with it?”
A small sad smile crosses the older mans face.
“To be blunt, that is what a LOT wanted to do back in EarthGov. A lot still do. But it’s too late for that. The whole race is in the mix now. Like it or not, we gotta jump on this ride and see it through to the end. And this is why they sent me. Because some fool thinks that if anyone can win this, can somehow get you off, its me.”
“Are you a diplomat?”
“No, no, nothing like that.”
“So why did they send you?”
“Beats me kid. I mean I have a rough idea, but really? I think they sent me because they are desperate.”
“What do you do for a living?”
A smile.
“For my sins? I’m a Rabbi.”
Four Days Later; The Grand Chamber of the Yucani Ultimate Court
Rabbi Johnathan Cohen had to admit- it was impressive. For such a small race, the Yucani could do ‘grand’. As he looked around the chamber of the highest judiciary on their planet, he could imagine it being used for an equally impressive purpose back on Earth. Of course on Earth the décor and colour scheme would be a tad different. More imposing.
Regal even. This?
It reminded him of the garish interior of some Western Bordelo from the 1890’s if he was honest. Still, the gold and purples and reds didn’t distract from the gravitas of the assembly or the importance of the room.
Or the size of the crowd.
EarthGov told him it was going to be a big show. They were not kidding. The five judges (known as a ‘claw’ the standard designation in all Yucani trials apparently) were looking impressive in their yellow robes of office, but they were upstaged by everyone else. The importance of the nature of this trial had demanded that anyone who was anyone would be here.
Rabbi Cohen could see the heir to the Yucani Empire had arrived (representing his father and 83 siblings); the Minister for Relations With The Hairless Ones (the formal designation for the poor Yucani official who dealt with humans) was also there, talking to him in hurried trills.
There were delegations of all the great and the good of this species, including The High Matron of the Sacred Priestesses of Rho, whose arrival caused him to smile inwardly. And it wasn’t just the Yucani who were here.
The unique nature of the diplomatic spat had caused interest from a half dozen other species. He saw the Ambassador of the Tu-Kek sitting within a glass encased sphere; the Emissary of the Golden Hive, which sat unmoving upon a perch, witnessing all that it relayed to the collective hive mind of the crew of the colony/ship that had arrived in orbit a few days before.
There was even a Frosh there, hovering enigmatically in its encounter suit, and the Frosh didn’t seem interested in anything except fractal mathematical equations most of the time. None of the species knew a damn thing about them- highly advanced but utterly abstract.
And there were the other humans. The Ambassador was there looking nervous (he was partly to blame for messing up the aftermath of the event- his job was on the line); the Commodore of Human Forces in the nearest sector was to his right, looking bored (only here because EarthGov was slightly worried this could end in a war). The attractive secretary (who everyone whispered the Ambassdor was sleeping with), sat on the other side of the Commodore, his handsom eyes glancing at the proceedings nervously.
And this ignored the several hundred normal Yucani who had managed to gain attendance to the trial. Rabbi Cohen took a sip of water and muttered to himself, “No pressure then Johnathan…”
“What?”
He turned to the rather pathetic figure of Andrew Eversham besides him. He wasn’t chained, and he had been issued new clothing, but his eyes were sunken and he looked the very image of a broken man.
“Nothing kid,” he says kindly, “you ready for this?”
“No,” comes the dispondant reply. For some reason Johnathan smiles at this.
“That’s the way. Honesty is always the best policy.”
The beating of a gavel is enough to start the proceedings. Ear pieces to allow fluent translations of all sides words are donned, and Rabbi Cohen takes a deep breath. Yucani trials followed a slightly differing format than humans- but the jist was roughly the same. The ‘prosecution’ he noticed was a grey furred alien, whose somewhat rotund body revealed him to be a corpulent and well fed member of his species. No doubt some great legal mind.
The trial passed quickly enough- the facts were not in dispute and indeed the defence case being as it was (the human in question was ignorant of any harm he could cause and meant no malice) was not even seriously contested by the state. No, in truth the real reckoning lay in the deeper issue of human sense of humour, and how in would colour future Human-Yucani relations.
Eventually, after about an hour, the rotund alien hopped back towards his table and began trilling in low, dark tones. In Cohen’s ear the translation came across clearly.
Which leads us, most supreme claw, to the crux of the issue. The human’s case rests upon a simple defense; he was innocent of any illwill towards our peoples, but sought to ‘entertain’ us with an example of human ‘humour’. This has led to our people investigating this aspect of the aliens personalities, and what we have found is disturbing indeed.
Johnathan watched closely as little creature trilled and squeaked in strong tones, his brown eyes forever gazing around him; while he was no expert on Yucani bodylanguage, Cohen knew showboating when he saw it. The little fat furball was playing to the crowd, playing upon the sensibilities of his race.
We have found humans delight in mockery; in lampooning; in deriding. They claim they do the same to themselves, as if this excuses them, as if it gives them the writ to inflict such things upon the rest of the galaxy. For a human, mockery of their institutions and their leaders is to be expected. But as we all KNOW- such things are anathema to we Yucani; where the familial bonds of love and honour are as natural to us as breathing…
The Rabbi tried hard not to roll his eyes. The prosecution was laying it on thick. Really thick. He watched as the creature hopped and trilled, waving its little arms about, modulating its voice expertly. He could see every Yucani in the room moved by this; their noses twitched, eyes welled up, their tails would go back and forth violently.
Carefully the Rabbi listened as the little creature moved onto the mainstay of his argument.
Is it not said by the Goddess Rho, that ‘all things shall be in its natural place, from star to planet, from ruler to bondman’; does not Rho teach us that there is only joy to be found in ‘careful appreciation of the natural order of all things’? Is it not said within our most sacred texts that ‘The ONLY path towards elevation of a soul, is through acceptance of its time within the body’? These are the foundations of our very society, our very civilisations…
The prosecution begins waxing lyrical about the virtues of the civilisation of the Yucani, but Johnathan was only half listening. There was a religious aspect to this after all?
As he mused on the sacred words of the Rho, part of him wondered if the wiley President of Earth was smarter than he liked to appear. Did the old guy KNOW this was going to be their approach? Is this why he sent him?
His thoughts are broken as the prosecution brings his long and somewhat vaudevillian diatribe to its conclusion…
…which bases itself upon mockery, and lampoon and cruelty towards living things are ideas we Yucani cannot afford to allow infect our civilisation. They gnaw at its roots. They will in time infest our nests. Supreme Claw, I must ask, no implore, no BEG of you, to issue an edict which petitions our Emperor to reconsider allowing these humans access to our world. Lest one night, one terrible night, the scenes we saw, where a single voice defiles the virtues of our culture are repeated… but this time by one of our own children.
Cohen takes a breath and smiles to himself. He glances over at the ambassador who looks back nervously. Besides him the quiet voice of Andrew Eversham says, “I really screwed this all up didn’t I?”
“Yes kid. But look on the bright side?”
“There’s a bright side?”
“It’s not everyday you get to be accused of defiling an entire civilisation. Think about how it will look on your CV?”
Rabbi Cohen stands as his opposing side sits down heavily. He picks up a small card wherein the correct honourifics needed to address the court are clearly printed and runs through the formalities quickly enough. That done he gazes at the five judges for a moment, and shrugs.
“The human sense of humour. Where do I, one of our species, even BEGIN to start describing this complex thing that lies at the heart of who we are, to your most Supreme Claw? There are great minds on Earth who have wondered about this for many centuries and reached no conclusion. And yet it is clear, I must. So let me try and break this down into a way I feel the Yucani can understand and I hope, accept it, for all its imperfections.”
“It is a question often asked by us humans- what makes us laugh? What is the source of our humour? The prosecution would have you believe it is cruelty and mockery. And from the surface it would appear so. But allow me to illustrate that human humour is complicated and made up of many levels.”
He strides out from behind his table, keeping his voice low and his eyes focused on the judges.
“The starting point is incongruity. We humans like you Yucanti had an issue with incongruity. Evolutionary speaking our ancestors, like yours, lived lives fearing predators; both our species in our ancient past? We would gaze, eyes to the horizon, forever searching for danger. We learned well the safety in patterns, the formal, fixed nature of our surroundings. Anything out of place, incongruous, we would be drawn to. It spelt danger, it spelt threat.”
“For my species, long after we had evolved past the need to spot such things, we had this trait inherent still within us. Why do I stress this? When humans spot an incongruity in nature, when it does not threaten us? We laugh. An exclamation of relief. Identical to what Yucani call the ‘musk of fear ending’. For your species it is natural and normal. Same with ours. Yours is scent. Ours is sound. Identical reactions. A thing we have in common yes?”
A few aliens nod at this. A good start.
“However this is not the full basis of our humour. Incongruity cannot be the full extent of our humour. If I was to find a shoe in a dishwasher, or you were to find Gurnix inside a Flubuton, that in itself would not be the cause of humour to us. It would be odd, but not humorous. The key for us humans is that incogurity has to be of a correct kind. For humans it has to involve a shift of perspective. The great human psychologist, Koestler, pointed out that for humans this shift is all important. An example would be…”
He nods to one of the technicians and displayed in the air in both languages are words.
When is a door not a door?
When it is a jar!
“This is an example of that type of humour. Incongruity presenting a perspective shift.”
There is utter silence from the audience and he scans the translation and smiles.
“Of course the joke does not translate at all to your race. The play on contexts and language is entirely lost to you. But notice how my fellow humans did not laugh either. Such things are primitive; plays on words, sudden perspective shifts. Proto-Jokes almost. I raise it to establish the baseline of our humour.”
“We humans have many of these jokes. We call them things like ‘knock-knock jokes’ and ‘lightbulb jokes’. They are not truly appealing to our humour, the highest compliment they can get is to be called clever, for you see they are missing a particular element of humour which the prosecution has done well to highlight.”
“What they miss, is a degree of cruelty.”
The little rotund advocate for the state stands and begins trilling in high pitched tones. Cohen waits for the translation to come through.
So you admit that humans revel in cruelty?
He smiles, “No.”
But you just said that your humour needs cruelty!
“A certain type, yes. But not the type you described.”
Semantics! Your supreme clawness, I urge you end this nonsense…
We will hear the human defence, intones the oldest, long whiskered judge, As we are curious as not how they will justify this.
“I thank the indulgence of the court,” smiles Cohen, and he takes a breath.
“There remains, there always will, an aspect of human behaviour that is mistaken for our humour but is not. This is how we humans use laughter. Laughter is a physical response to things. Mostly to humour yes, but also, and this is where the prosecution made their mistake, it can be a sound of triumph. At such times the sound is indeed dark and unmistakably cruel. Many have observed that for all the love we have of the sound of laughter it is by volume and in ferocity, an aggressive sound. And there exists many examples of our species using laughter when committing acts of cruelty.”
He shrugs, “It was only a few centruies ago that it became unfashionable to visit the places we kept our psychically and mentally disable for the purpose of laughing at them. We thought it good sport to look upon their pain. All of human history contains accounts of how public executions were raucous affairs, we would attend and celebrate the killing of one of our own, often with laughter as the guillotine came down upon them…”
Rabbi Cohen sighs heavily, “When I was younger I once saw a picture. Germany. The 1930’s. A small child, a Jewish boy, was being forced to clean the street on his hands and knees. Around him stood adults and they were laughing. This isn’t human humour, it’s cruelty. There are countless episodes of torturers laughing as they inflict pain. Of laughter being heard from mass shooters, from soldiers in war, at our most darkest moments. These things I do not refute. But point out a similarity of experience between our species.”
“Every species in the galaxy knows Yucani are fastidious in cleaning, how they value healthy and clean fur. No Yucani would ever dose another in urine for example. What then of your treatment of prisoners? Are we to take that as indicative of Yucani finding such things acceptable? Of course not. It is a certain, dark aspect of your society, misunderstood except BY your species. This is the same as using laughter by humans in moments of cruelty. It is separate FROM the debate about humour.”
He takes a breath and a sip of water before continuing.
“No, to say human humour is incognuity mixed with cruelty is too simplistic. It has to be the right type of cruelty…”
What do you mean the right type of cruelty? asks the supreme judge.
Johnathan Cohen thinks for a moment and smiles, “On Earth, a wise man called Mel Brooks once asked the question- what is the difference between tragedy and comedy?”
What was his answer?
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down a manhole cover and die.”
The Ambassadors secretary bursts out laughing, the sound carries across the room, ALL eyes fall upon him. Hurridly he covers his mouth, going red in the process.
“And you see the very nature of it right there. A sudden juxtaposition of incongruity and a certain element of cruelty, producing an involuntary response. Laughter.”
He pauses for a moment and says quietly, “In our distant past, in the year 1991 of our calander, a human writer called David Barry said the following, “The most important humor truth of all is that to really see the humour in a situation, you have to have perspective. ‘Perspective’ is derived from two ancient Greek words: ‘persp’ meaning ‘something bad happens to someone else’ and ‘ective’ meaning ‘ideally someone like Donald Trump’.”
At this all the humans bursts out laughing and Rabbi Cohen holds up his hands, “Again- the involuntary reaction. I won’t bother to explain it your honours, just to say that last statement was a joke designed to highlight something.”
“The core cruelty here is that someone must lose dignity. As we humans say be brought down a peg or two, or be knocked off a pedestal. It can be used by the mob as a weapon, and YES, it does have a subversive power. One of our ancients, a man called Plato, thought humour was destabalsing to the state and should be banned from it, which for us humans? Tell us much about the kind of guy Plato actually was.”
See? This is my allegation Supreme Claw. The human ADMITS what I am saying is true…
“What we do you got right, WHY we do it you got wrong. I heard you speaking about how Rho says we must appreciate the time our souls connect with our bodies correct?”
The prosecution’s whiskers twitch a little, and carefully it says Yes
“Well, the most basic, the most universal, the most raw and successful brand of comedy, the one my clients version was but a verbal variation of, the one that transcends the many human languages, is humour based upon just that. The realisation that there is a split between the soul, the essence of a human, and these dull, mundane frail bodies we exist in. What a psychologist once called the ‘dualism of subtle mind and inert matter’. “
“We call that humour, slapstick.”
He grins to himself.
“The core of all slapstick is the ‘the blow and the fall’. It can be as simple as a human slipping on the skin of recently eaten fruit. Or elaborate and detailed, but at its core is something very important. We understand, totally, the immortality of the soul, what the Goddess Rho holds to essence of being, but we also recognise the limitations of the body. Your species finds solance in holding to the immutable structure of the universe to reconcile this correct? We reconcile it by finding humor when we are reminded that these frail bodies cannot match the perfection of what lies within.”
“All of this is just by way of explaining this…”
An image appears on screen. It is a small human infant, wearing a sundress, maybe aged about 2 or 3 years old. Walking towards them is an image of Rabbi Cohen. He smiles at the child, and walks towards her and then, suddenly, slips and lands on his backside, a look of mock shock on his face. And at that, the court room is filled with the sound of the small child laughing, laughing hard; uncontrollable laughter, a sound that makes every human in the room smile. The image ends.
“Your honours, THAT is the most beloved sound on my home planet. The sound of an innocent child laughing. It transcends cultures and languages, transcends time. It delights us like NO other sound. We can spend hours just trying to get children to make it.”
“Consider then what you just saw? An innocent- capable of no higher functions of thought; an infant. It’s reactions are primal. But what DID you see? An infant is able to identify itself as a being, and me as a separate being. It saw the classic imposition upon my being by this mundane body. I tripped and slipped on my tuchus. A sudden juxtaposition of incongruity. One second I am stood, the next I am not. Mixed with the RIGHT kind of cruelty. Misfortune happening to another. But notice my reaction- my mock smile? My grand daughter realises that it is not hurting me and responds with a spontainious reaction of laughter.”
“THIS is at its base, the core of ALL human comedy and humour; it is based on empathy, and innocence. Not for her convoluted explanations involving cruelty and mockery. Just instinct. As we grow we develop more sophisticated methods to find humour but at its core? That is it. Is that not a demonstration of how our humour is as identical as your veneration of the soul within the body? The acceptance of the duality of body and spirit?”
Rabbi Cohen smiles, gently and turns to the Judges.
“Your honours, I urge you to dismiss this case. And I urge you to do so because let me tell you what will happen to the defendant. He will be released. He will return home. And when he does? He will become the subject of many, many jokes. He bore no ill will in his heart towards your race- but he was a schmuck.”
What is a schmuck?
“It’s a certain type of human. For the Yucani? A schmuck will forever be my client.”
In his chair the stand up comedian opens his mouth and then closes it. Defeated.
“He will return home and we will make stories about what he did. We will laugh at his foolishness, his ignorance, his pride….”
And we so gonna have fun with you little fat gerbil, he thinks but does not say as he eyes the prosecutor.
“And our ambassador will sit down with the Crown Prince and they will add a provision to the Treaty of Trade and friendship that says, based on the psychological underpinnings of our two species, and given we recognise that we share in common a belief of the duality of our existence and indeed of the existence of the soul, that human humour is a natural byproduct of our evolution like musk scenting is part of yours. Neither of our species share these traits, so lets not inflict it upon the other huh?”
“That would seem to me to be a most equitable and fair solution.”
The judges consulte one another, the Yucani remove their translation devices, but Johnathan can see their chirpings are appreciative. He may not have convinced them humans are FUNNY… but he may have convinced them to let this slide. He sits down at his table, gathers up his case note and begins to place them inside his briefcase.
Besides him, the comedian gazes over and sees there, amidst the papers in the briefcase, a hard backed book… ‘On the origins of humor: why Neaderthals can’t take a joke’ by Dr Johnathan Cohen, and a sudden realisation crosses his mind and he whispers, “You wrote that?”
“When not studying the Torah, I dabble in evolutionary psychology. It pays the bills.”
“Thank you.”
“Hey kid, what we gonna do? Let aliens say we bad for liking to laugh? What’s next? We are sinful because we breath?”
As the court recesses, and the judges leave to make their judgement, Rabbi Cohen stands and turns to make his way over to the Ambassadour when he is stopped suddenly. There, before him, stands the representative of the Frosh. It’s towering form, its huge encounter suit, obscuring the being from within. It’s cold black visage, plain glass of some kind, looms balefully over him.
In all the hustle of the Yucani leaving, no one notices this member of the most elusive and obscure of all the alien species, make his way to stand before the human. Johnathan clears his throat and goes, “Hello?”
The alien just stands.
“Can I help you?”
The black screen suddenly flashes brief, fractal images upon it, who flare in and out of existing as quick as a human blink. At the same time a warbling high pitch noise emits from deep in the chest area.
The Rabbi blinks and says, “What?”
The images and the noise is repeated again. Realisation dawning, Rabbi Cohen places down his briefcase and picks up the translator device he was using back on the table.
“Say that again please?”
The images flash and the noise is made and two seconds later words form in the humans ear… a simple message…
Pull my finger.
There is a silence. Around them the Yucani chitter and trill but Johnathan Cohen begins to smile…

Hello to all of the capitalists, cocaine connoisseurs, ethnonationalists, and Oreo fans joining us today. Today we begin one of the biggest, most controversial, and most sonically diverse rates popheads has ever taken on. Notably, popheads voted to include a man amongst a sea of white pop girls, and also folklore is here.
Last year, as many have noted, was perhaps not the world’s best. However, what stayed good from January 1st until December 31st was the pop music (except for Justin Bieber’s Changes, but we can ignore that for now). Floods of beloved comebacks, surprise releases, and out-of-nowhere rises to acclaim pervaded the year, and made everything that much more bearable for us. Many of these albums were intended for the dance floor, but every one of them has provided a great sense of escapism during a year where most people needed exactly that. Dua Lipa, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, and The Weeknd all released year defining, career reinvigorating albums that captivated the general public and pop fans alike. So my cohosts (the brilliant u/ignitethephoenix and u/hikkaru) and I want to invite you to celebrate them all in one place, and stage a friendly, not at all bloody competition to see which artist and what song comes out on top.
If you’re as fucking illiterate as I am and you’ve done a few of these rates already, you can start rating right here:
Spotify & Apple Music playlists
Pastebin Ballot
Submission Link

The Weeknd - After Hours

Spotify | Apple Music | Other
Released at the cusp of everything shutting down in North America in March (remember when things actually shut down to prevent COVID from spreading...fun times), After Hours is the fourth studio album and seventh project released by Abel Tesfaye, also known by his stage name The Weeknd. After Hours is a synth pop, new wave and r&b inspired record featuring the Weeknd’s signature writing style of themes such as turbulent relationships, loneliness, indulgence and self loathing. It blends what OG Weeknd fans love about him; the moody, somewhat toxic and dark lyrics with songs and elements that brought him newer fans; grand pop music with catchy melodies and soaring vocals. After Hours, although it contains grand radio friendly singles such as the #1 smash hit “Blinding Lights”, “In Your Eyes” and future number one hit “Save Your Tears”, this album very much follows a narrative from beginning to end. The Weeknd grapples with a lost relationship and how he in fact was probably the reason why it didn’t work out, as painful as it is to come to terms with. He copes and tries to distract himself, and yet he still can’t let his love go and wishes it could still work out. But eventually comes to realize that she is gone for good and he is alone again.
After Hours received many positive reviews when it came out, with many critics praising how it was his most fully realized project and consistent project yet. It also was a commercial success, debuting at number one on the Billboard Hot 100 with 444,000 units sold, 10 songs charting within the top 40 of billboard at it debut and being the 4th best selling album of 2020 in the USA. And yet the album, as well as Blinding Lights, were controversially snubbed from the Grammys awards in 2021, which led to a lot of outrage from the internet and as well as the music community. Nonetheless, the Weeknd continued to push forward and embraced the success of this era through his multiple psychedelic and classic movie inspired music videos and also booking the largest music gig of the year with the Super Bowl LV HalfTime Show. - u/ignitethephoenix

1. Alone Again
2. Too Late (Music Video)
3. Hardest To Love
4. Scared To Live
5. Snowchild (Animated Video)
6. Escape From LA
7. Heartless (Music Video)
8. Faith
9. Blinding Lights (Music Video)
10. In Your Eyes (Music Video)
11. Save Your Tears (Music Video)
12. Repeat After Me (Interlude)
13. After Hours
14. Until I Bleed Out (Music Video)
15. Nothing Compares
16. Missed You
17. Final Lullaby

Dua Lipa - Future Nostalgia

Spotify | Apple Music | Tidal
In 2019, Dua Lipa was a joke among pop music fans. Many liked a few of her songs, but because of her live performances and because of her perceived lack of a visual or sonic identity, she became a punching bag for stans of all kinds. She had immense pressure on her from fans and the music industry to overcome the sophomore slump, so she did the only thing she could do.
She did a full 180.
From the moment she dropped the first single, it became clear that this was not going to be another collection of disparate tracks like her debut: this was a true era. That only intensified as more singles were released and she began to perform them live. Even though the era had a bit of a damper on it towards the end due to the growing COVID-19 pandemic, Dua’s maskless antics, and the album leaking, Future Nostalgia still became one of the most critically acclaimed, commercially successful, and intensely stanned pop albums of the year. The album was exactly as streamlined, cohesive, and full of bops as everything had indicated. It yielded great success for Lipa as well: it debuted in the top 5 in both the US and UK, eventually hitting #1 in England, and yielded multiple top 10 singles around the world. It also established Dua Lipa as an undeniable pop force to be reckoned with, even outside of Europe.

1. Future Nostalgia
2. Don’t Start Now (Music Video)
3. Cool
4. Physical (Music Video)
5. Levitating
6. Pretty Please
7. Hallucinate (Animated Video)
8. Love Again
9. Break My Heart (Music Video)
10. Good In Bed
11. Boys Will Be Boys
12. Fever (with Angèle) (Music Video)

Lady Gaga - Chromatica

Spotify | Apple Music | Other
While Lady Gaga began her career with gay-approved electronic dancefloor bangers, she eventually decided to change it up and show off how versatile she really is. She teamed up with legend Tony Bennett for a jazz album in 2014, put on her pink cowboy hat in 2016, and delved into acting in 2018, but eventually she had no choice but to go back to her roots and return to the dancefloor after much begging and hoping from her fanbase. Enter the world of Chromatica, which was introduced with the leak release of Stupid Love, a triumphant electropop track produced by Bloodpop, who would go on to aid in the production of the entire album alongside acclaimed producers such as Madeon, Skrillex, Axwell, and Tchami, among others. As a whole, Chromatica dabbles into strong house influences, which compliment the lyrical theme of "dancing away the pain". Such theme is expressed clearly in the Ariana Grande collaboration Rain on Me, which earned Gaga yet another #1 hit - Ariana is joined by icon Elton John and trailblazing K-Pop group BLACKPINK in the album's vocal collaborations. Chromatica debuted on the Billboard 200 at #1, but unfortunately the album's promotional cycle was heavily impacted by world events and initially saw a delay in release date due to COVID-19. However, Gaga thankfully came through despite all that was against the album's success and Chromatica Oreos are now available at your local supermarket! - u/hikkaru

1. Chromatica I/ Alice
2. Stupid Love (Music Video)
3. Rain On Me (with Ariana Grande) [Music Video]
4. Free Woman
5. Fun Tonight
6. Chromatica II/ 911 (Music Video) [the two tracks combined bc you deserve it]
7. Plastic Doll
8. Sour Candy
9. Enigma
10. Replay
11. Chromatica III / Sine From Above (with Elton John)
12. 1000 Doves
13. Babylon
14. Love Me Right

NOTE: We have decided to include Target Exclusive Deluxe track Love Me Right. This song is not on streaming services, but we have provided a link to it here.

Taylor Swift - folklore

Spotify | Apple Music | Other
Taylor Swift shocked the world when, with no lead up whatsoever, she announced that she would be releasing her eighth studio album in 16 hours, a mere eleven months after her album Lover had released. The only album in this rate written and recorded during the COVID-19 pandemic, folklore marked the first time where Swift lyrically downplayed her personal life in favor of fictional stories and imagined scenarios (in addition to a few distinctly personal songs). Instead of worrying about the pop trends, she went for a drastically different, indie-folk inspired sound, collaborating primarily with Aaron Dessner of The National, in addition to Jack Antonoff, Bon Iver, and William Bowry (aka her boyfriend Joe Alwyn, in his debut as a songwriter). This album marked the first time that Swift completely bucked all expectations, and as a result, it was heralded as her best album yet, one of the best albums of the year by many publications, and an album that was genuinely reflective of the time period it was made. The album and its lead single, “Cardigan”, peaked at #1 on their respective Billboard charts, and folklore eventually became one of the best selling albums of the year.

1. the 1
2. cardigan (Music Video)
3. the last great american dynasty
4. exile (feat. Bon Iver)
5. my tears ricochet
6. mirrorball
7. seven
8. august
9. this is me trying
10. illicit affairs
11. invisible string
12. mad woman
13. epiphany
14. betty
15. peace
16. hoax
17. the lakes

Bonus rate

All of these artists are extraordinarily prolific, and as a result, we’ve created an optional bonus rate to highlight a few loose songs from each of them. Ranging from loose singles, remixes, collaborations, certain “sellout tracks” that were actually bops, and whatever the fuck Macavity is, each of these songs provides more of a look into these artist’s recent output.
In Your Eyes (with Doja Cat) - Remix (Animated Video)
Blinding Lights (with Rosalía) - Remix
Hawai (with Maluma) - Remix (Music Video)
Over Now (with Calvin Harris) (Music Video)
cardigan (cabin in candlelight version)
betty (Live from the 2020 Academy of Country Music Awards)
Macavity (scene from the film because lol)
Love Story (Disco Line Remix)
The Cure
Heal Me
Why Did You Do That?
Hair Body Face
Levitating (feat. DaBaby) (Music Video)
Un Dia (with J Balvin, Tainy, & Bad Bunny) (Music Video)
Levitating (feat. Madonna and Missy Elliott) [The Blessed Madonna Remix] (Music Video)
Love is Religion (The Blessed Madonna Remix)
Reminders and Notes: You do not have to do this rate!!! This is completely optional, but it is way more fun if you do participate. But since this is not part of the main rate, you cannot give your 11 or your 0 to any of these songs. Save those for the main rate. Your favorite artist is going to need that extra point. Additionally, we have decided to include the Love Story Disco Line Remix, aka “that tiktok version of Love Story”. This remix is not on streaming services, but we have provided a YouTube link to the song.

Rules

Many people are already familiar with these rules, but since there may be some brand new raters, people who haven’t done rates in a while, and/or people who need a refresher, here they are, lightly plagiarized for your enjoyment:

• You have to listen to and rate every song. We will not accept any ballots with missing scores
• You have to give each song a score between 1 and 10. You are allowed to give up to one decimal place for each song (for example: a 7.5 will be accepted, as will a 5.7, but not a 6.67 or 3.1415926535897932384). If you use decimals, please use a period/dot ( . ) and not a comma ( , ).
• You may give one song in the rate an 11, and one song a 0. This should be reserved for your favorite and least favorite in the rate, to give it an extra boost in scoring. You do not have to, but again, it makes things more fun. NOTE: You only get one 11 and one 0 in the entire rate, NOT one 11 and one 0 per album. You cannot give any other scores above a 10 or below a 0.
• Your scores should not be considered confidential. We will share them with your username attached to them, and if your score sucks, we very well might publicly shame you for it (all in good fun). This is just to say: keeping your scores secret will not save you from my wrath.
• Use the prepared link/ballot HERE to send in your scores. If that link fails you for any reason, feel free to just privately message me (aka u/akanewasright) using the ballot format in THIS pastebin link
• If you want to change your scores for nearly any reason whatsoever, feel free to privately message me (once again, my username is u/akanewasright) and I will do so.
• If you want to spice things up, you can add a comment next to your score. If you wish to do so, please use the following format:

Scared To Live: 10 I personally hate being alive, so I can relate

• Anything variation from that format will not be accepted. Here are a few examples of what not to do:

Pretty Please: 0: Pretty please turn this song off
betty: OMG my lesbian queen deserves an 11
Replay: (4) Iyaz outsold

• Comments are not required at all, but they are highly encouraged and will make the eventual reveal much more fun.
• If you want to give an overall comment to the album, you can, using this format:

Album: Chromatica: Why yes, I am a home of sexual, why do you ask?

• Do not attempt to sabotage the rate scores. The hosts WILL NOT accept your scores if we have any suspicion that you are trying to mess with an artist’s or song’s scores. What we will do is privately make fun of you for trying to pull that shit. So please don't.

(The bolded words are reflective of common mistakes among first time raters. I'm not trying to be passive aggressive. That'll come after I get your scores)
Thank you so much for reading (for those of you who read any of that shit, I mean), and happy rating!

Once again, here's the link to send in scores

Emergency Pastebin ballot

Spotify & Apple Music playlist